Monday, March 7, 2016

take each breath

What happened?  Everything was going so well, I felt like I could conquer the world.  I'm so tired, physically and tired of this world without you.  I have no motivation to do anything.  You know a few weeks ago I was cooking from that fancy French cook book you got me.  I'm just back to this emptiness and selfishness.  It's hard for me to focus.  I gave up on "Lord of the Rings" I just couldn't focus on it.  After work I tried a mystery "The Woman Who Walked in Sunshine" but just couldn't get into it, I don't know if I was just tired from work or if I'm just tired of this existence.

I learned something last week, you changed your mind.  Please know I wasn't giving up on you, I was doing my best to help you, to help you find peace, to help you have moments without pain.  Those decisions weighed so heavily on me.  I know in my heart of hearts those are the decisions that had to be made, they just weren't easy.

Someone asked me what would you say right now?  All I could say to that person is "I don't know" but I've been thinking about that question a great deal.  My gut reaction is you're dead, you're not going to say anything.  In your own words you've just "turned off" and you're gone.  Part of me thinks you would be mad at me because I just can't let go.  I sit here after she's gone to bed and just cry because I ache for you, or I'll be in the shower and just fall against the tile and let the water and fan conceal my grief.

What would you say to me now?  As I sit here and take each breath, feel my blood pulsing through my head, feel my chest pound, I wouldn't want this for you.  If we can't be together then I wouldn't want you to suffer like this.  I love you so much.

take care,

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