Monday, March 21, 2016

Eight thousand seven hundred sixty

It's not the same & obviosly never will be.  I see parents interact & a couple interact with each other, we were so in sync in everything we did.  I miss you so much every day even still.  I'm trying so hard not to loose focus, not to enter that fog.  When I think of this place I think of it has the setting in chapter one of our life.  The introduction took place in Des Moines & December 1, 2001 marked page one, chapter one.

I saw some friends that I haven't seen since our wedding day including the man who interviewed me for a position that shaped my career.  He not only opened the door, but was my mentor as I learned what it meant to perform tasks in a pharmacy.  He transformed those tasks into compassion & opened my eyes to a career where I could live out my passion: to help others.  

All the anticipation of this trip, the excitement of being on vacation has warn off & the emptiness has returned to the forefront.  I'm glad we had the big reunion lunch right after we got here I don't know if I'd be able to do it now. 

The last few weeks have been such a struggle with our little girl.  She thought I had the knowledge & power to save you, but I didn't & I let you died.  She didn't want to go to school, there was even a day she had to leave school.  She had an anxiety attack & I nearly took her to an emergency room.  Some how idea after idea came to me & finally I got her calm.  

I am doing the best I can & making decions with her well being as my goal.  I want to go & pay my respects to my Mom & Gram, but as I lay here with her next to me I don't think that would be a good idea.  

She & I went for a walk today, things were getting a bit much for her.  We were on the sidewalk along a busy street & my mind was racing & I was frightened she would run into the street.  I am so scared of losing her too, that would be the end.

As this first year of this existence without you  comes to an end I'm starting to realize that there is no magic & all will not be whole again.  It seems that society expects me to be "over it" after this first year.  I'm so tired of people telling me the first year is the hardest, like day 366 will be the dawn of a new life.  All I see is dusk.  

I love you handsome man & miss you so much.

take care

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