Stoic

More and more things I see these days remind me of you.  It's like I'm becoming more sensitive.  All I remembering these days are your last.

Those last days when you were in so  much pain & I had to make the hardest decision, I absolutely knew at the time I made that choice that it was the right one, with all I knew and all I saw and watching you suffer, I knew it was the best decision, I had to convince you, put your mind at ease.

 Please tell me it was right, please show me something that says it was right.  I know with my mind that is not possible for you to show me now that it was the right thing to do, but my heart and my soul just aches to know you wanted to stop all the pain.  It was not even 24 hours when more news came with the optimistic bearer.  Did I listen to the pessimist too quickly, was my judgement clouded by all the pain you were suffering?  It was my decision to stop the treatment that moved you twice a day, that caused you so much pain, the treatment that gave hope.  Did I kill the hope?

You would never lie to me, I only made the decision because the pessimist gave his expert opinion.  I truly did what I thought was best, please please forgive me.  I watched you suffer and yet you were so kind and friendly to those that helped, those that caused the pain with hope of relief in the coming weeks.  You told me you wanted to continue, yet you told another you wanted to stop.  I know in my mind the choice I made was the inevitable decision, but did I take away any last precious moments you could have had with your princess? I am so sorry, I just realized that.  I stole time from you, please forgive me.

I broke my word, I said I would bring you home, and I didn't.  I am so sorry, I did absolutely everything I could.  Please know I would never ever have left your side, I had to think about our little girl.  The one night I did spend with you in that room was absolute torture for her.  I know you would want her to be taken care of first.  It absolutely crushed me, I was being pulled in different directions.  I was your wife, best friend watching you suffer.  I also have the professional background to understand what was happening to your body.

 I am the mother protecting her child, giving her the honest truth in words she can understand and live with, giving her the example of how to grieve and keep living with memories of her Daddy.  That is the hardest part, I have to be strong for her, she is the one who needs to understand that it's okay to fall apart and feel sad.  Yes, she & I do cry together sometimes, many times she will sob uncontrollably and I will use the skills I've learned and tools I have to make her feel loved, help her remember good things, and provide distraction.  I can cry with her, but I can not sob or stop being strong.  I can't have her think she needs to take care of me, that would be damaging to her life.  I have to think of her first!

She is the reason I get out of bed.  She is the reason I keep going.  When I am alone I am just consumed by the emptiness, I physically feel different, like there is something in my throat, like the breath entering does not fill my lungs capacity.  This fog comes over me and I just want to stop.  I want to stop thinking about what you would want me to do, stop feeling the emptiness that creeps into my throat.

It was not like this when my Mom died, you were here, you helped me.  I feel so alone.  Though I interact with people every day, I'm alone.  Someone once told me I was a cold person, that I didn't give off "warm fuzzies" and that assessment of my personality hurt, but rang true.  At my own mother's funeral a family friend was disgusted & could not believe how stoic I was being. You know what kind of person I am, you know how I think, you loved me for that.  I think I'm a good person and I do my best to contribute in this world, to think of others before myself, but I don't think people see that because I have this cold persona.

I don't feel loved anymore, I'm alone.  Yes I give off this cold persona, but you saw my tears when there were people I couldn't help, you saw my joy when I was able to make a small difference in someone's life. I trusted you and only you with everything that makes me tick. You understood what I meant before I could come up with the words to explain my idea; then you used your talented words to help me put that idea into action. You embraced me physically & made me feel safe.  You embraced my personality and made me feel loved.  I don't get hugs anymore, I think people see this cold person and don't want to embrace me, physically or personally.

I'm sorry I broke my word, I'm sorry I stole time, & I'm sorry I killed the hope.

I love you handsome man.

take care