It hurts to smile.

There have been more bad than good days lately.  I thought things were getting better, finally moving forward, but I don't know what happened, I'm just absolutely consumed by this emptiness.  It hurts to smile, I'm having a hard time faking it these days.  We went to the store the other night.  I returned the cart to the cart return and walked to the passenger side of the car and opened the door, it was only then I realized I was expecting you to drive us home.

I remember when you taught me to drive stick, 5 speed.  I can still remember the shift positions in that little ford aspire.  You told me a story about someone mistakenly put the car in reverse meaning to put it in 5th gear.  It no longer became 5th, it became go.

I still remember you coming with me to the grocery store, just so we could be together.  You sitting in that library watching me study.  Me with my earphones listening to lectures I attended and studying until it was part of me, not realizing the friend bringing me coffee in the library was becoming part of me.

The very first time we ever danced it was so natural, it was like we fit.  We were the best of friends and slowly realized that would be our life.

You taught me what love is, I know that sounds so corny and totally bad song lyrics. Before I ever laid eyes on you, I had not been in a relationship, not that I didn't want one, it just never happened.  I had friends in high school & college and did things as friends, but never had a "boyfriend" in high school or college.

I made some major life decisions in my early twenties.  I seriously considered joining a convent & becoming a teacher.  I was already working in pharmacy, but I felt that is where my calling was pulling me.  Part of my decision was how my Mom would feel if I went the convent / teacher route.  I had a discussion with a friend and chose to pursue pharmacy as a career.  That was the right decision: lots of hard work, lots of growing up, and I found you.  Now I feel lost and aimless.  I go through the motions, taking care of our little girl,  loving her for both of us, working, & doing my best to think of others.

I don't know what to do about this emptiness.  Who will make the pledge with me on your birthday, to make the year the best ever. You came up with that pledge and we've recited it every year since December 31, 1998.  I miss you so much.

I love you handsome.

take care.