for both of us

Merry Christmas my handsome man.
 I find comfort in this place talking to you.
It sounds crazy, but I feel a little bit better after I write to you here.   Don't get me wrong I still miss you terribly.  I still wear your ring around my neck and close to my heart.

I was at a community gathering last night and I saw a loving husband reach for his wife's hand and they held hands during the rest of the gathering.  I had to look away because that loving gesture will never be again for us.  I was with our little girl and I had to look away and concentrate on something else.  I tried so hard, but the tears just came.  They were silent, brief, and she distracted, thank goodness.

I haven't slept well these last few weeks, and being tired makes everything so much harder.  I need to have better sleeping habits and exercise more.  I know I sound like the stereo typical new year's resolution.  I do feel loads better after I run, just to get the energy out, I just need to get motivated to do it.  I still remember you tracking me on the phone when I trained outside.  Checking on me to make sure I was not lost and doing ok.  You would come and pick me up with a water bottle of course.  Look I've pulled a mini Javier Marias :)

We didn't get a ton of Christmas cards this year, then again I couldn't bear to look at them really, I pretty much tossed them as they came, a few I did put up.  It's that time when you hear from those once a year friends and you realize there are a handful of people that don't know my world is a much darker place these days.  I've sent a few cards out with personal notes to share the information. There is one cousin I thought knew you were gone, but his card had your name handwritten next to mine & our little girl's name.  I'll have to write to him and cut out your obituary and send it along.

No more mail with Mr & Mrs, well no more important mail with Mr. & Mrs.  No more Kate & Richard or Rick & Kate as the older friends recall.  Next month it will be nine months you've been gone, long enough for a baby to start so small as a tiny spec of life and become part of the world.  Something we chose to do only once and it was the best thing we ever did.  We chose only once for many reasons & now I am on this earth determined to love her for both of us.

I love you handsome man.

take care