Looking for ying

 It's been a rough few weeks.  Emotions are so overrated and I think at time unnecessary.  I stood my ground and I think it's done, it starts again and I'll be fine I'm sure, I always am.  I've been missing you alot lately.  The utter support, the knowing it would work out because we would figure it out, together.  The ying to my yang.  We were so balanced.  I do everything on my own now.  It really sucks.  The balance is hard, the silly and the serious.  

We lost the intimacy, the closeness, the sharing of everything.  Well, I did at least.  I didn't feel loved, I didn't feel important, a sign doesn't fucking cut it.  It has to be meant, always, not just when it's gone.  To threaten me to leave because fun was not had, I was dumbstruck.  That's not what partners do, not the kind that are 'til death do us part.  The absolute last straw was the deal breaker from the beginning.  No going back, you don't fuck with my kid, my decisions about my kid.  It may seem small, but you don't fuck with my kid.  I know what's best and if you agree or not doesn't come into it at all.  I always gave you that respect even though there were times I didn't agree.  I respected your role every single time.    

I'm in scary territory right now.  ER trip, doubt, coming up with a bag of tricks that are not always successful.  Navigating waters, looking for my ying.  So much on my mind, my plate is full.  My Dad, my daughter, I'm only one person.  Support was not there, help yes, alway helpful, but not what I needed.  You said you didn't know how, well I need someone that knows how.  I need someone during the fun and not fun of life.  Doesn't matter how long or how much time either of those are.  I need to let go,  I need to focus on what is here in front of me.  She needs me the most right now.  One minute I feel like she's on thin ice and others it's solid.  I'm really learning as I go here.  My mind is a jumble.  I am tired. 

take care,