time

 You should be here!  She passed and she's so excited to learn and do well.  You should be here.  My mind swims with thoughts.  Reminiscing the past five years.  A deal breaker from the beginning, and so it is.  

I'm at a point I don't want to share her.  I want all the time to be with her, I don't want to miss a thing.  I do miss the companionship, the chats, the jokes, the comfort of familiarity.  I will not miss the lack of effort, not feeling special, not being fussed over I deserve those things.  I will not miss the forever and constant 180 turn of every emotional conversation.  Little by little topics were no longer comfortable.  There was no substance, that went away to, really that was always forced it seems or initiated by me and then only for so long because though we agreed on topics, emotions got too high and we couldn't even converse on something we agreed, but the other would get too upset.  

I still miss the conversations, the silly, the intellectual, the challenging discussions, the eloquence.  

A member of my club asked if he was coming to see me, because it was expected, no matter what you want to spend time.  That was not in the cards.  If there was any kind of inconvenience it just didn't happen.  We had different situations and I couldn't keep it balanced.  Helpful, not supportive.