the hurt of getting better

 

How true it is that "It gets better but even that has it's own hurt too..." 

It's like there will always be guilt or a feeling of betrayal when my days are filled with happiness.  Not happiness with C, but happiness that's mine.  Today was really hard to smile.  I've been in this funk, in hermit mode.  Escaping reality, staying indoors with the curtains drawn.  I have no motivation.  This would have been 20 years, in four months, it would have been my turn.  I realized something today, she has more memories without you then with you.  Right now you're tied with my dear and soon those will surpass yours. It doesn't seem to bother her, something I should be grateful for; I guess.  It's like I want to hold on, but you're slipping away, the pain is slipping away, but it's not. Maybe I'm just not letting it.  I don't know, it's so hard to explain, ineffable.  

I think I'm still upset you didn't leave me anything, something to hold onto, something to cherish.  You gave her Summer, a special gift she will always have, remind her of Daddy.  Your favorite animal.  Maybe you knew that someday she would outlive the memories of you and that was your way to give her something tangible so she would never forget you. I don't need anything tangible I suppose, but today I definitely could of used something to hug.  The hollow was consuming today, I don't even know why.  

I will close my eyes.  I am tired, tired of the hollow and confused by the hurt of getting better.

take care,