Sparked

 Something you said sparked a memory and it's been on and off my mind ever since.  It crowds my mind when I am alone and doing meaningless tasks.  I was at the grocery store today on my own and it just enveloped me.  I use to hate going to the grocery store on my own, it was something I never did 7 years ago, the last time you were healthy on this planet.  Going to the grocery story on my own was crippling, I did it because I had to.  It doesn't bother me as much any more.  Isn't crazy the fact that I'm not stricken by sadness down the aisle of the grocery store bothers me.  I'm forgetting things, like how you use to always go to the grocery store, like a few times a week.  You either went on your own or we went together.  This life of solo adulting, adjusting, well adjusted now I have my own way of doing things.  I generally only go every two weeks.  Part of that is because I'm still the bread winner and I'm tired after work and don't feel like doing anything, especially dealing with people.  I'm forgetting what it's like to automatically go to the passenger side front door.  I don't know if it's good or bad, it just is.  They didn't have any cracklin' oat bran today.  I was fucking crying in the damn store because there was no cracklin' oat bran.  It's one of my last connections to you.  I know it's expensive, you were definitely a food snob, I mean foodie. 

The memory was of me sleeping on the couch and you in your chair.  You were so weak and in so much pain, not that you let on.  I remember giving you a bath and you just shivering sitting there on the medical grade bath bench.  Teeth chattering and all. I digress, my memory was of us being a team all the way to the end.  You would need to go to the bathroom and I would help you right there in the living room.  You'd barely be able to stand I'd have the urinal at the ready and we just had it down pat.  Just like getting in and out of the car to your appointments.  You would sit in the passenger seat and I'd lift one leg and place it in then the other.  A team through and through, a team until the end, 'til death did us part.  

I was thinking about the phrase "can't live without you" that's just utter bullshit.  You can do anything, the sun rises, the sun sets, life keeps going.  I know I've always been a strong person.  I think when I was a young wife "can't live without you" was kind of a thing.  Not in my mind's forefront, but in the background.  Now I know I can live through anything because I have.  So, maybe not "I can't live without you" for this strong woman, how about "I can enjoy life with you" 

My widow title is still there,  I've learned to navigate the waves, I'm still learning how to live this life and be ok with happiness. 

My best girl awaits and we are going to solve some old crimes, Govna. 

take care,