Afraid to sleep

Afraid to sleep

Afraid to sleep I lay awake

Thinking of you fishing on a lake

With a fly and some lure

A new jargon procured 

Now mounting a large mouth bass

On the wall you yell kiss my ass

Women are fierce you shout

Sheepishly looking about

Too polite to offend

To hurt or to harm

You wipe away tears

As memories they swarm 

Not long ago she wasn't too old

Your princess you held to keep from the cold 

Dangers still deeper you couldn't yet name

Still stabbing; a silent dagger it came

The C word they called it 

Was nothing but shit

Turning your world totally upside down

Screaming in the shower hoping the water to drown

You lie there awake too afraid to sleep

Too many thoughts you now have to keep

Bills to pay, taxes, social security to change

Maybe tomorrow will come but isn't it strange

Now you lie restless, your whole world gone

Maybe just maybe in some far away dawn

These tears of ash will once again be joy

Will one day forever

When a girl loves a boy 

          -JLH

The Mysterious One

 The Mysterious One

You sit there looking all alone

Caught up in your thoughts again

How come you never say

Where you go or where you've been

Lost in a world so long ago

Tripping over silent memories

You think your silent thoughts

You go where I can not reach you

Here I am patiently waiting 

For when you come home to me

Ready to hear a story or a tale

Of where you used to be ... 

            -JLH

the hurt of getting better

 

How true it is that "It gets better but even that has it's own hurt too..." 

It's like there will always be guilt or a feeling of betrayal when my days are filled with happiness.  Not happiness with C, but happiness that's mine.  Today was really hard to smile.  I've been in this funk, in hermit mode.  Escaping reality, staying indoors with the curtains drawn.  I have no motivation.  This would have been 20 years, in four months, it would have been my turn.  I realized something today, she has more memories without you then with you.  Right now you're tied with my dear and soon those will surpass yours. It doesn't seem to bother her, something I should be grateful for; I guess.  It's like I want to hold on, but you're slipping away, the pain is slipping away, but it's not. Maybe I'm just not letting it.  I don't know, it's so hard to explain, ineffable.  

I think I'm still upset you didn't leave me anything, something to hold onto, something to cherish.  You gave her Summer, a special gift she will always have, remind her of Daddy.  Your favorite animal.  Maybe you knew that someday she would outlive the memories of you and that was your way to give her something tangible so she would never forget you. I don't need anything tangible I suppose, but today I definitely could of used something to hug.  The hollow was consuming today, I don't even know why.  

I will close my eyes.  I am tired, tired of the hollow and confused by the hurt of getting better.

take care, 

Sparked

 Something you said sparked a memory and it's been on and off my mind ever since.  It crowds my mind when I am alone and doing meaningless tasks.  I was at the grocery store today on my own and it just enveloped me.  I use to hate going to the grocery store on my own, it was something I never did 7 years ago, the last time you were healthy on this planet.  Going to the grocery story on my own was crippling, I did it because I had to.  It doesn't bother me as much any more.  Isn't crazy the fact that I'm not stricken by sadness down the aisle of the grocery store bothers me.  I'm forgetting things, like how you use to always go to the grocery store, like a few times a week.  You either went on your own or we went together.  This life of solo adulting, adjusting, well adjusted now I have my own way of doing things.  I generally only go every two weeks.  Part of that is because I'm still the bread winner and I'm tired after work and don't feel like doing anything, especially dealing with people.  I'm forgetting what it's like to automatically go to the passenger side front door.  I don't know if it's good or bad, it just is.  They didn't have any cracklin' oat bran today.  I was fucking crying in the damn store because there was no cracklin' oat bran.  It's one of my last connections to you.  I know it's expensive, you were definitely a food snob, I mean foodie. 

The memory was of me sleeping on the couch and you in your chair.  You were so weak and in so much pain, not that you let on.  I remember giving you a bath and you just shivering sitting there on the medical grade bath bench.  Teeth chattering and all. I digress, my memory was of us being a team all the way to the end.  You would need to go to the bathroom and I would help you right there in the living room.  You'd barely be able to stand I'd have the urinal at the ready and we just had it down pat.  Just like getting in and out of the car to your appointments.  You would sit in the passenger seat and I'd lift one leg and place it in then the other.  A team through and through, a team until the end, 'til death did us part.  

I was thinking about the phrase "can't live without you" that's just utter bullshit.  You can do anything, the sun rises, the sun sets, life keeps going.  I know I've always been a strong person.  I think when I was a young wife "can't live without you" was kind of a thing.  Not in my mind's forefront, but in the background.  Now I know I can live through anything because I have.  So, maybe not "I can't live without you" for this strong woman, how about "I can enjoy life with you" 

My widow title is still there,  I've learned to navigate the waves, I'm still learning how to live this life and be ok with happiness. 

My best girl awaits and we are going to solve some old crimes, Govna. 

take care,