Nothing stops

April is here.  Nothing stops, days end and then begin.  Sometimes it's hard to remember and other times the details never leave me alone for a moment.  I'm not lost, I stay the course yet sometimes I take a detour just to see where it goes.  A side trip for selfish reasons, a detour for me alone. Sometimes I'm scared I'll lose my self in the detour and not be who I am.

Your princess asked me something today, really made me think about the person I am.  She asked me how I do it.  How do I not show my feelings?  She remembers details after your death, when she was upset, sad, angry, and so many emotions flooding all at once.  She said I didn't seem upset and wondered how I do it, not show my feelings.  I told her it was not a choice, it was like being right handed, it's just how I am.  I told it wasn't necessarily a good thing.  Inside you are just torn up and broken yet outside nobody has a clue and thinks everything is fine.  They comment on how strong you are, how you're doing everything right.  I guess I don't know what to expect, what I want.  What do you say?  It's a journey, a path I must take on my own I suppose.  I don't know how to reach out to people when I'm sad, I don't know how to ask for a hug, it is so incredibly difficult for me to ask for help for myself.

I relive those last weeks of your life when I am alone.  I remember all the details, the decisions, the driving back a forth to the hospital wishing I could just stay with you all the time.  Reading to you as we wait for the staff to take you to the procedure.  Reading to you as a distraction from the pain, searching, searching for the right passages to read, passages you found the most beautiful.

I miss you so much.  I miss who I am when I was with you, I feel that person is slipping away, she's barely recognizable.  She was beautiful, confident, smart, I only know because you constantly told me, made me feel that way, allowed me to be her, encouraged me.

Nothing stops, the new day begins.


take care