Long and boring. Too young to know.

BOOK OF LOVE

scattered

Tuesday everything starts again.  I've been thinking about you a great deal I've also been thinking about my Mom too.  Every thing is flooding to my mind, the memories bring back so much pain.  I am so tired, yet I don't allow my self the rest my body and mind so desperately need.  My chest hurts, literally hurts, it's difficult to obtain a full breath of air.  When I move my upper body it feels like my breast bone is trying to escape my chest.  I am so tired I am not making sense.  My fingers move across the keys and the words just come from my thoughts, scattered and everywhere and no where.  Where are you? I'm tired of being alone.  I give up, I will go to bed.


love you handsome man

take care

The consuming hollow

Hello Handsome
It's been a rough few weeks.  I've been cooking lately, I think you'd be proud.  We're remembering things that happened two years ago.  I can't believe it's been two years, you feel so much further away from me.  Time does not stop and it cycles, so many memories, trying to remember the happy but the pain continues to consume the day to day.  At this moment I feel nothing, except empty and dread.  It's like I'm choking, suffocating on the hollow that fills me, takes the space where the happy memories should be.

I'm moving forward, without you, that causes me so much guilt and pain.  Our little girl is so different now, she's funny and clever and so many things you'll never see.  She loves to read and she is so creative, she's coming up with ideas for books and stories all the time.  I'm doing my best to foster that creativity.

This is not easy, it never was easy, before it was a team effort we leaned on each other we balanced.  It was you and me doing everything together, figuring out what was best for her and for us.  Now it's all me.  There is no team, no reassurance, no sounding board to figure things out.

take care

moment to share

I have crashed.  I'm stuck, I can't get out.  I'm struggling and so is your princess.  She cried for 45 minutes tonight.  We told stories, we cried, she felt better before she went to sleep.  I am so tired, but I won't let myself get into bed, I just want to sit here, aimlessly look at social media, I want to talk to you.

You know those jokes we had just between the two of us, there are so many times something would happen and it would be that perfect moment to share that laugh.  I smile and sometime catch myself chuckling, but there is no one who gets why it's funny.  There is no one who gets many things at all.

It hurts to smile these days, I haven't felt like that since shortly after you left this world.

My eyelids are heavy yet my soul is empty.  I shall sleep and hope for a better day tomorrow.


take care

beginning of the end

It's a new month, a new season is coming.  Spring, new life, the return of growth.  I'm stuck.  I was doing great and having some wonderful days, happy times, laughing, confident.  I'm tired and I've fallen and I don't want to get up, I don't want to keep going forward.  I just want to stay in here.

Our daughter & I were talking about planning for the summer, and she said, "now that we're a family of 2" my heart just fell like a rock, thud.  She is so much older now, so mature, critically thinking, she is so quick witted like you.

I still remember that March day when we were outside, you in the gurney being transported from the ambulance back into the hospital after your therapy.  You just wanted to feel the sun on your face and see the outside.  It's the beginning of the end.  That's what's bothering me.  Spring, new life, bull shit, it's the beginning of the end, the end of my purpose.  I convinced you to be admitted, I convinced you to stop treatment, I convinced you to give up.

It's not fair god damn it!!  I just got through the holidays, the horrid lonely worst time and now the spring brings back the most painful memories.  I have no purpose.

It doesn't matter if I'm here or not, yet tomorrow comes.