Hospice time of year.

Autumn use to be my favorite season.  The weather changed, it was comfortable, not scorching hot or so humid it's hard to breath and not unbearably cold.  It's the season my birthday occurs.  It is full of colors and beauty.  Last year I barely even noticed the season, it was the first fall without you.

This year I equate this season as the hospice time of year.  It's the period before death, a service to try and make things beautiful and comfortable before death, yet death still comes and it is still ugly.  This season is the usher to times of happiness for many, a time that was excitedly welcomed by me in the past.  It all began with my birthday, a day you made so very special, even if we were home you fussed about me and you and your princess would sing to me.  No one has sung happy birthday to me for two years now, it's silly but I miss that.  You knew I didn't necessarily like a big deal made about my birthday, but I so miss the little things.

Of course fall is the precursor to the 'Holiday Season' and all the family joy that is to bring to life.  I'm trying my best to keep things upbeat and positive for our little girl, but I'm struggling something fierce.  We're going to the apple orchard this weekend, a tradition we did each year around this time, we're going with two other couples, a reminder we are no longer a couple, no longer Team S, just the S Ladies here on out.

November brings Thanksgiving, your favorite holiday and just a week later would be our 15th wedding anniversary, it would of been your turn to choose how we celebrated.  Christmas and all the little traditions we did as a family, all gone.  Your birthday, that time of joy and huge celebration, everyone knew it was your birthday.  Our birthday trip to your favorite book store, no matter the temperature outside we made that trip every year, of course coffee was also involved on that day.  I miss you so much.  I miss your embrace, when you put your arms around me I felt so safe, now it feels like people don't want to hug me, I don't know why.  I want to be hugged so tight the emptiness is just squeezed out of me.  I want someone to sing Happy Birthday to me on my actual birthday.

I miss you so much handsome man.

take care