Tuesday, October 25, 2016

del mar

I picked out new glasses today,  simple task right? Not really, not for me.  We did everything together, we helped each other, fashion is not my thing, I don't have an eye for that.  You would say ojos del mar, eyes of the sea.  You commented on my eyes so very often, you said they were beautiful, you always made me feel beautiful, again not my thing, I don't wear make up or do much with my hair you said that was because I didn't need to I was naturally beautiful.  You said it so often and with such sincerity I believed you and felt so comfortable in my own skin.

Anyway, I chose new frames today, something I don't take lightly because this will be part of my face for the next few years.  I know it sounds so silly, but this is the first time I've done this without you.  Fortunately the person at the optical department was very kind and truly helped me find a pair of frames that would look nice.  He started by saying "let me see your eyes that's where I usually like to start," he described them as a blueish green and we found a pair of frames.  That reminded me of ojos del mar. 

Most of the firsts have come and gone, agonizing and painful yes, I'm learning that the seconds are no better, almost seems worse.  This second time around is just brutal and I don't know what to do.  The summer was so good, maybe it's because everything was a distraction and we did so much.  We did things we'd never done before and even did some things that were for the three of us and now are just for two.  Even though the summer was such a whirl wind I missed you every single day.  Hiking at the parks, adventures camping, and our promise I kept to introduce other exciting & foreign places to our daughter.  A  promise we made as parents, talking about giving our daughter experiences we never had, an experience you'll never have though you would appreciate it most of all.  It's now that is so difficult, fall, winter, holidays, anniversary, birthdays.

I miss caressing your face and feeling that slight stubble right at your jaw line, holding hands with our fingers inter locking and your thumb above mine.  I miss your touch, putting my freezing feet on your warm legs as we lay in bed on a cold winter night.  Watching you read with your non-dominant eye, laying on your side with your nightstand lamp lighting the path for your eye to travel.

I'm drowning and falling, I sit here so cold and shivering.  There are people that have met me now and only know the hollow me, the one that can't seem to find a purpose on this planet, the one who lives between distractions & routines for our little one.  I use to care about things, to try and make this world a better place, now I'm just here.  I am so tired and cold and done.

I love you handsome man.

take care


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