Catch up

We're finally doing things we did before.  I know that doesn't make much sense.  We went to the summer festival in our community, we hadn't done that for quite some time, we didn't go for two years in a row.  We went this year.  Our daughter said something that really resonated with me.  She wants it back.  She wants back the places and experiences we did together as a family, she wants to enjoy those again. It's almost like we're catching up with life, our life; a life of 2 no longer 3.  We've made some new memories and stories we'll tell down the road.  She's struggling with being happy and having a wonderful time and then missing you something fierce and feeling guilty about having fun.  I was there myself not too long ago.  It is getting easier to live each day and not just exist.  I still miss you something terrible and just thinking about it makes me cry.  The tears don't linger as they did, they still come easily.

This summer without you, the year I will catch up and surpass your age, the year I'll never be able to tease you because you'll never be older than me.  I miss teasing you and being teased by you.  You helped me not take life so seriously.  I do my best to be silly with our daughter, she needs that.  I really have taken time to enjoy life and moments with our daughter.  To enjoy life in general.  Truly seeing the beauty of nature, taking time with my Dad.  I am so very grateful I am in a position where I can have a reduced work schedule.  Even in death you're taking care of me.  I spent some quality time with her this weekend.  We were together, just the two of us enjoying each other and enjoying nature.  It was fantastic.  I went back to work today like I'd been on vacation for a week, I even forgot my password.  I was only off for two days.

I love you handsome man.

take care,

in just 3 hours

Your princess saved me, brought me out.  I don't know if seeing people was what I needed, or if just a little down time did the trick.  I'm happy to be with her again, I can face the rest of the day and as it feels tomorrow looks good.  I might even feel like cooking again.  I love you handsome.

take care,

tired

I'm in a funk, on the brink.  I thought about sitting in the garage, but she filled my mind.  I'm alone, it's hard when I'm by myself.  It's so rare.  I don't want to be around anyone, I just want to be.  I want my mind to be occupied so I don't do this.  Distraction.  I'm at the edge.  I saw your picture unexpectedly, unprepared and I just wept.  I want to reach out to someone, I just don't know who, or what to expect, there is nothing anyone can do.  I don't want to be a burden on others.  Only two I can think of, one is in a huge time crunch and the other has issues going on already.  I don't know what to do.  I'm tired. I love you handsome man and miss you so.

take care.

Carving

Remember that me I spoke of, the one I'm still working on.  I guess really we are all working on ourselves as we live life on this planet.  I'm working out details and carving out who I am today, the who I have to be without your physical presence.

Before we met I was a decent writer.  When I learned that was your dream I stood back and maybe asked for your assistance in writing a little more than absolutely necessary.  You were by far a much more talented writer than I, and your help was always much appreciated.  I've written some things of great importance over the last few years, things you couldn't help with, your mother's eulogy I wrote & delivered because you were not in a place to do it.  I wrote your obituary, a piece that I am extremely proud of even today.  I  helped our daughter write a brief eulogy she wanted to delivery at your service, a piece of writing from her heart and she delivered it very eloquently in front of dozens of people.

Yesterday I wrote an email to our daughter's school giving my opinion about the closing of the school library and I urged them to reconsider.  Before I sent it off I took some time to truly think about it and let it mull in my thoughts.  I asked for advise & input from those who's opinion I value and from those who have more knowledge in the art of rhetoric and proper grammar.  I am very proud of what I submitted and I think you would be as well.  Time will tell if my efforts prove to be successful.

I found a picture that truly speaks to me in this life I am carving out.

Me and your princess helping each other keep balance. 

Moving forward into the sun and dark clouds ahead. 

Flowers and weeds lining our path. 

I love you handsome man. 

take care,