I haven't felt this in many years. I feel hollow, empty. I just want a hug, a real tight hug. I feel like people think I'm not a hugger, but I really am. I'm drowning, a shower didn't help. Usually water, I know with the waves and drowning analogy it seems counter intuitive, but alas the shower did not help. I've had a few realizations, my Dad died two weeks to the day after my birthday. I discovered that at work, calling patients to remind them to pick up their meds. My Gram died the day before my birthday and my Dad died the day after her birthday. So fuckin weird how dates have such a hold on my brain. This year would have been our 25th. That has been weighing on me as well. I can't seem to get out of this funk. Distraction of work does the trick for some of the time, but now I'm just burnt out. I've worked the last 10 consecutive days, not easy stuff either, extremely stressful. I've worked over 50 hours a week the last four weeks.
One relationship ended and another came back. The timing was so weird, I wasn't ready. I didn't have time to process the end of the first. I think it was less than a week. I said I just wanted friendship, but I'm too much of a people pleaser and gave in. I didn't have time. That ending was not as difficult as ours. I still needed time to process and get over it. Probably a couple of months, not a few days. With you it took me years, then all of a sudden boom.
I want to share what's in my brain right now with you, but I feel like it'll be too much. I don't give you enough support or maybe I do and I just don't know it, that sounds conceited. It makes me think back to all those years when J asked me why I feel guilty asking for help, I needed more help than you did. Maybe the situation is the same now, I'm struggling so bad because I've had so much loss. I really want this emptiness to go away. I want to feel comforted in someone's embrace. I want to be able to cry without worrying about hurting feelings of the person that's there.
It's not fair, I know that. I really want you to help me, but I can't ask. When people say let me know what I can do to help, that puts the burden of the person needing help. They have to ask for it, I don't know what I need for help, I don't want to be a bother. If people want to help they just do it with no expectation of being paid back or expectation of praise, just do it for the sake of helping the other person. I don't know my mind is just going.
Maybe the action of my fingers hitting the keys and me releasing some of this has helped. I still need a hug and feel like I'm being swallowed by the hollow in my chest, but I can breathe a little better now.
take care,
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