Today was a really great day. Had a load of fun with your princess, though she would not want to be called that these days. We delivered presents to doorsteps and ran off so we wouldn't "get caught". We even had a bit of a conversation about you. She was curious about you, almost like she doesn't remember, how can she really. You were gone and she was only 8 years and 2 months old. When you stop and think about it, we only start to barely remember things at age 4, it gets better at age five, I'd say by six and a half to seven more solid memories are in place. She doesn't have too many of you, just the stories we've told, What are memories really, little snippets of time. I signed up for the Christmas desert week at work. At first I thought about buying cookies, then I decided to get the tube of dough and just heat and serve. For what ever reason I decided to actually bake from scratch cookies. I made oatmeal raisin and chocolate chip. I think our daughter and her baking past time inspired me. I ended up baking solo tonight, we'd had a long day and she is one that needs her down time. I understand that and do my best to respect and give her that time.
As I was baking tonight I realized, this is the first time I've volunteered at work to bring a homemade food item. In the past I would volunteer and you know it was me volunteering and you doing the work. It became such a funny joke at work I started writing your name down next to the item you would prepare. It truly became an ongoing joke at work. I was also reminded of the rum balls you made for coworkers so long ago. This time I volunteered, wrote my name, filled in cookies, and I did all the work. After five years, five years of filling up the car with gas, driving to every occasion, doing all the grocery shopping, making or should I say getting dinner, you'd think it would be sunk in by now. It felt like it was an instance where I know it's really true and you're really gone.
Went to a funeral this week, well kinda went to a funeral. This world we are living in these days is so out of the ordinary and can be difficult and overwhelming. I was in supportive mode, looking out for the other. I understand what it is like to loose a parent. I was the first member of the club, at least from our generation. Membership I shared with you, our daughter, and now the newest member, my chapter two. We all have a different path within this club, deal with things differently, different experiences have brought us to where we are and how we grieve. I still remember you sat in that room just staring at a screen listening to the same song over and over. I know your mind was thinking, or maybe I don't know that. For me I write and put my thoughts to words, if that make sense or not. I still remember when my Mom died you reminded me we had a little girl to take care of, that kept me from drowning and kept me in the present. Who knew five years later those words would still be in the back of my mind, keeping me grounded, giving me a reason to get out of bed.
Add another five years and here I am sitting at the same dining room table we sat so many times. I'm sitting in your spot, now our daughter's spot or my Dad's spot depending on who is here. I can see your chair from here. The old man sitting there with his young daughter, the old man who really wasn't old, but became frail, so thin, so weak, even your hair was coming back white. The strong man gone, but your mind never left always always intelligent, quick witted. Those last few weeks you were here in this house sleeping in the living room, the only place you could find comfort, me on the couch. We had a system, a routine, a way to make things work even those last days. We even devised a way to get you in and out of the car, leaning on me as I would pick up one leg to put in the car then the other. I'm thinking of a puzzle where the pieces fit perfectly to create this beautiful image. I was asked what I think about when I love, I answered as honestly as I could. I give and I give, it's just what I know, it's not something I think about. I'm sure that sounds absolutely conceited. I don't know why I love you, it took me a while to figure out I did, I still remember the night I knew. Like what my Mom told me as a young woman, you'll just know when you've met the right person. I had honestly given up, but then I moved away, spread my wings so to speak. The shelters removed. That night at the dance party, when we danced it was that moment "I just knew" that's when in good times, in bad, in sickness and in health began for me. By God 17 years later death did us part.
How do I know now? I don't know the answer to that. It feels right. We're trying to create a beautiful image, the puzzle pieces are coming together, little by little. My focus seems to be in the detail, the here and now. You see the big picture, the beautiful image that will happen. I still struggle, even after five years I still struggle. It is another night, another day is done, it's now 5 years, 9 months, and 12 days later. I think I'll focus on the last 76 days and how much better they are compared to the six months before that, even better yet, focus what is here right now. Alas I am tired and should sleep. What a day from the highest high to the bottom. Tomorrow will come.
take care
