41 or 45
For a moment I couldn't remember how old you would have been on your birthday coming up. You are not 45 and you will never be 46. You are no more. 4 years 8 months. Four years, the amount of time a student starts and graduates from high school. Taking steps on a path toward the next phase. Four years, at the most that's the amount of time she has with memories of you. Soon the amount of time you've been gone will exceed the years of memories she has. That knowledge, that calculation makes it difficult to breath. I fear the numbers will be even more cruel when the years with out you will be greater than the years she had you. I can't bear to do the math a figure out what year that will be. That day will come. Dates still haunt me. Dates of birth, dates of death. I should close my eyes and go to bed.
5 five
five
five
I'm choking on the empty tonight.
take care,
Sunday, December 29, 2019
Wednesday, December 25, 2019
At this moment
This is my life at this moment. How can it be? The speaker with so many more years under his belt than I was right, it's happening, the songs, the videos, the pictures, the memories are starting to bring a smile to my face instead of tears to my eyes. Those memories of you my handsome man, my dear friend, not so much. I watched tonight, I remembered, me with more years under my belt than him. I recognized that blank stare, going through the motions, keeping things together, I caught the moment he almost lost it but pulled it through in the end. It didn't hurt to smile, I didn't have to fake it, I didn't have to look away. I don't know if it's numbers, this being the fifth Christmas without you or the third with my dear.
Your words
"Breathing in second-hand sadness"
"It's not a secret they are gone. It's not a secret you're sad about it. It's not even a secret that you will always be sad about it, it's human nature, it's life. Some cultures build rituals & ceremonies around those that they were thankful for that are no longer with us. Maybe those cultures are just really strong in your blood, your DNA, your evolution of life. "
"Two years & just now I am learning we are supposed to grieve; it must clean out our soul."
"... really laugh, the infectious laughter... I have heard that laugh in her often, I guess people that hurt deeply also love deeply, it's a balance in life."
"Each time that we breath in a memory of sadness, like oxygen our bodies can't keep it all in & we breathe a little bit of it out again. Someone near us breathes it in & breathes a little of it out. Like water, like oxygen it keeps us alive & understanding each other, tying us to each other, linking."
"When life changed, our lives changed with it. Broken hearts, broken minds led us down dark paths, looking for hope, looking for light, looking for comfort."
"We chose to continue, to grow & be more together than we were alone. This is why I think we were meant to be when we were both ready to begin life again."
"Walking hand in hand and smile in smile ... I will always know my way home because my home is with you; for whatever time we have in this fleeting world."
You know me so well and it's only been two years & four months, how can that be? Is it because we are starting later in our lives? We don't have our youth to learn each others ways, we were not part of each other in youth. You've learned so much from that second-hand sadness and you accept it, take it in stride, and learn to love me more. I'm glad I let down my shields, (yes my dear a slight nod to your SW love) it was scary to do so, you have no idea. You've read the raw, the anger, the confusion all right here. You learned to love me broken as I was, you helped mend me. I'll never be the same as I was, but that's not who you fell in love with, that individual is gone. We didn't have our youth to make history, we only have our experiences in this life. Such different stories we've lived and now we move forward creating a new tale. I've spoken of the hollow so many times, tonight I feel like I could burst. It's the oddest thing, there is sadness and so much joy all at once. You made me a beautiful video this Christmas & the fact you did, the fact you are ok with hearing stories, even so much as prodding the details of the memory in my mind as it comes across as a laugh or smile and yes even as a tear. You've learned when I need a bad joke, you've learned when there's nothing to be said, all with not much help from me. I've never been good at asking for help, yes I'm good at hiding it & you've stuck by my side.
I realize I've not mentioned his princess in this entry, though she is always on my mind.
Again your words
"Her well being falls partly under my care too now.. so I have been trying to do what little I can"
Merry Christmas to my handsome man, my dear friend, and at this moment to you my dear!
take care
Your words
"Breathing in second-hand sadness"
"It's not a secret they are gone. It's not a secret you're sad about it. It's not even a secret that you will always be sad about it, it's human nature, it's life. Some cultures build rituals & ceremonies around those that they were thankful for that are no longer with us. Maybe those cultures are just really strong in your blood, your DNA, your evolution of life. "
"Two years & just now I am learning we are supposed to grieve; it must clean out our soul."
"... really laugh, the infectious laughter... I have heard that laugh in her often, I guess people that hurt deeply also love deeply, it's a balance in life."
"Each time that we breath in a memory of sadness, like oxygen our bodies can't keep it all in & we breathe a little bit of it out again. Someone near us breathes it in & breathes a little of it out. Like water, like oxygen it keeps us alive & understanding each other, tying us to each other, linking."
"When life changed, our lives changed with it. Broken hearts, broken minds led us down dark paths, looking for hope, looking for light, looking for comfort."
"We chose to continue, to grow & be more together than we were alone. This is why I think we were meant to be when we were both ready to begin life again."
"Walking hand in hand and smile in smile ... I will always know my way home because my home is with you; for whatever time we have in this fleeting world."
You know me so well and it's only been two years & four months, how can that be? Is it because we are starting later in our lives? We don't have our youth to learn each others ways, we were not part of each other in youth. You've learned so much from that second-hand sadness and you accept it, take it in stride, and learn to love me more. I'm glad I let down my shields, (yes my dear a slight nod to your SW love) it was scary to do so, you have no idea. You've read the raw, the anger, the confusion all right here. You learned to love me broken as I was, you helped mend me. I'll never be the same as I was, but that's not who you fell in love with, that individual is gone. We didn't have our youth to make history, we only have our experiences in this life. Such different stories we've lived and now we move forward creating a new tale. I've spoken of the hollow so many times, tonight I feel like I could burst. It's the oddest thing, there is sadness and so much joy all at once. You made me a beautiful video this Christmas & the fact you did, the fact you are ok with hearing stories, even so much as prodding the details of the memory in my mind as it comes across as a laugh or smile and yes even as a tear. You've learned when I need a bad joke, you've learned when there's nothing to be said, all with not much help from me. I've never been good at asking for help, yes I'm good at hiding it & you've stuck by my side.
I realize I've not mentioned his princess in this entry, though she is always on my mind.
Again your words
"Her well being falls partly under my care too now.. so I have been trying to do what little I can"
Merry Christmas to my handsome man, my dear friend, and at this moment to you my dear!
take care
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