Surpassed

Surpassed.  I saw a message about a friend's wedding anniversary.  Our years are being surpassed by couples that got married after we did.  No more remembering how many years we were married  by looking at the current year and just subtracting one.  It would have been 17 years this year; it stopped at 13 years for us.  No more.  Friends that looked to us as marriage role models are celebrating anniversaries beyond ours,  I don't know why that hurts so much?  Seeing that post, seventeen years.  We didn't even hit a big milestone, no 15 year or 20 year celebrations for us. 

I have another anniversary coming up, Saturday, it'll be 24 years at my job.  Something I started before you were part of my life and now you're gone.

I looked at your obituary today, don't know why, but I felt the need to read it again.  I'm a decent writer when I need to be and I'm very proud of the words I came up with that day in April.  One of the hardest things I had to write. 

I'm tired love, I'm run down, I'm drowning, I'm trying. It really hurts there will be no more years to count. 

All this from a simple expression of joy.  I remember working with this friend a little over three years ago, she was so kind.  She mentioned something in the news about a young woman choosing to give up her fight with cancer and her explanation to her husband, it was very sad and it was a topic on the radio.  This friend who celebrates 17 years tonight said something about the story, I politely asked if we could talk about something else.  She didn't realize how it affected me and she felt bad.  I did not say anything in particular, I just asked to change the subject, I'm sure once she realized it reminded me of what was happening at home she felt bad for bringing it up.  I didn't know until much later, but this friend secretly called you and asked you to call me at work.  You did of course and you made me laugh as usual and made everything better. 

There were so many times even before you were sick, I could just call you from work and hear your voice.  I knew everything would be ok from just hearing your voice.  You would tell me you're proud of me.  I'm starting to forget all the little things you use to say.  I don't like that.

Grow old with me
Come home safe
I'm proud of you
Olive Juice
Cakes


I wonder what sayings you would have had for your princess.  You exclaimed Carpe Diem every day to our Norwegian son, every day before you dropped him off his junior year in high school.  I do remember you asked your princess if she had fun, be it at school or a gathering of friends, or after any time really. 

Another year for her as well, another candle on the cake, you'll always be "Daddy" never transitioning to Dad.  I went from Mommy to Mom, and your title will never change though she has in so many ways in nearly three years now. 

My mind is everywhere tonight and it's stuck on one place.  My head hurts, my heart breaks again. When will this end, never I'm afraid.  Every happy occasion will be sprinkled with sadness because you are not there to share in the joy.  In a few months your princess will move on to the next phase in her education.  No one to ask, did you have fun?

I am so tired, my body aches, my head hurts, and my insides hollow.  The day is done.  Tomorrow will come. 

I love you handsome man.

take care,

half

Yesterday we celebrated your birthday.  I say yesterday, only because I do not allow myself to sleep tonight.   It was a lovely day.  Today it hits.  The start of another year without you. You're getting farther and farther away from me, I can't remember your voice any more.

I looked at your phone today, I read your text messages to your princess and realized you started a message to her and didn't finish or send.  I just left it in the box awaiting to be sent. All it read was Hey. You loved her so much.  Now all she has is me, I am doing my best, love, I promise.  It just came to me, we decided to only have one child so we can give her everything, wouldn't have to divide anything in half.  There would be no questions of favorites, she would have all the love from two, that was our thinking.  Now she only has me, the love of one parent, half.

God I miss you.  I also looked at our text messages.  You loved me so much and I loved you with everything that I am.  Those messages reminded me of all the little jokes we had between us, the kind that only you and I would understand at the mention of a word or a picture.  Like Beethoven's favorite fruit and what that alluded to.  Gman was a nickname for our cat, these days Gman is a nick name our daughter came up with for Grandpa.  Life has changed and your not here to see it.  One of your favorite authors was awarded the Nobel prize in literature last year, Kazuo Ishiguro.  I know you would still be pulling for Javier Marias, but you've enjoyed and recommended quite a few Ishiguro novels.  There are songs being composed your ears will never hear, newly arranged pieces of classical music you'll never enjoy, you won't hear pomp and circumstance played at our daughter's graduation.  Only half of us will be there to hear those notes played, only me.

Tonight I feel like half of me died two years, three months, and 11 days ago.  The half of my soul that carried the happiness, the hope, the passion, that half is gone and a painful hollow has taken it's place.  My mind tells me the sun will rise tomorrow and time will pass.  It will get better in the tomorrows to come, it is not tomorrow right now, it is life.





I love you handsome man.

take care