I sit here listening through the walls, her little ears not knowing I can hear her so clearly. I hear her rage, her sobs, her absolute anger. I keep telling me self she is in pain, she doesn't mean a word of it. It still hurts to hear.
"Life would be better if she died instead of him. She is so mean, I wish she would suffer and die. Life would be so much better if she died and not Daddy"
What do I do? Do I sit and let her go, do I reach into my bag of tricks and put on the goofy hat be her friend and not her mom. Is there truly a part of her that wishes he was the only parent now. I was the stricter of our team, or at least that is what it felt like to me. I think when we were together I was the strict one, but at times when it was just you and her you laid down the law, or at least that what I was told by Rich. He comments on that look you could give her and she would straighten right up.
I decide to let her go and get everything out of her system, pretend the walls are so thick I can't hear every painful word that bellows from her mouth between sobs and tears. She comes out to check I'm still here, I'm not going any where. As she closes her door assured I'm still here, I gently rap on her door and she opens and just puts her arms around me. She cries and cries and screams and I hold her as tight as I can, to fill the empty space. She tells me she wants to see Daddy again, she wants it to be the three of us again. She just sobs, tears, and shallow breaths come from her. I just hold her and silently let her get everything out of her system. The tears come to my eyes as I see her pain unfold in front of me. She stops and looks at me and confesses.
"I had some bad thoughts in here, I even said them out loud. I wanted you to die and suffer. I'm sorry I had those thoughts and said those things."
It's ok, I just hugged and told her, "I still love you, no matter what you say, what you do, or what you think I will always love you." I could feel the tension, the sadness, the anger just melt away. She unloaded all her pain and I gladly took it from her. Now I sit and try to figure where to put it. It's ok, I'm the adult I can take it. It's amazing, it's like a light switch. She's absolutely fine right now. She's writing and escaping into her world. It's ok, I can take it, I'm the adult.
I am by no means angry with her, I'm just so glad she can get the emotions out of her system, the emotions that hold her back. I've taken today's pain from her and hope tomorrow will be better. In my mind I know she did not mean those words, but in my heart I wonder sometimes.
I do my best to balance the fun and the strict. To teach the importance of work and play. I sit here and see the pictures on the wall, a few I've added since you left this world. She is so much older now, her own little person with her own sense of humor. You'll never laugh at the funny things she says, that booming laugh when something was particularly funny and caught you off guard because it was so unexpected. You'll never see her smile so full of pride as she crosses the finish line. We'll never have moments where there is a joke only we understand, the jokes are gone. No more raccoons in the kitchen, what sad is that I'm starting to forget some of those stories. The little things we would say, I remember we had all kinds of little things like that. I'm forgetting the details, I'm so sorry. I don't want to forget I really don't, I don't know where those memories are, maybe that's where I'm storing her pain. Underneath all of her pain she's released and all of my pain are the little stories and phrases we shared.
I wish there was a switch for me like there is for your princess.
take care
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