I'm scared

I just realized next week is October, another fall, another year.  So many memories have flooded my mind, memories I didn't look for, memories I didn't expect, almost feels forced.  Too many things remind me of you and how well you treated me, how you spoiled me so.  You brought me food at work just to make sure I ate, you use to tell me you'd never seen anyone work as hard; not just at my  job, but at everything I take on.  I've worked hard at this life, existence really, worked hard to be completely self-reliant.  Completed every task from start to finish, no longer part of a team effort.

I've come up with ways to make things easier, make things work.  I've finally come to terms with not always being available to help with homework for our daughter, not always being there for every activity.  I do my very best to attend all I can, I'm there for the big stuff I promise.  I know if you were here you would tell me not to worry about it & she's doing just fine, but you are not here anymore.  If I couldn't be there, you always could.  We would do everything together, from the mundane daily tasks of survival to the spectacular events of a lifetime.

I thought I was ready to keep that promise, I'm scared my love.  Part of me wants to let go, but part of me feels way too vulnerable, like I've shared way too much.  I want my wall back, my safe place, that place where I was alone and hollow.  That place were I merely existed, lived day to day for our daughter alone.  That place where I didn't have conversations, didn't have exchange of ideas.  I don't really want to go back to that place, but it felt safe.

Remembering when I first earned that god-awful title, I had to choose to survive.  There were days I didn't want to survive I just wanted to stop, but your princess kept me going.  She is the reason I am still here.  Now I must make another choice, am I ready to come out of survival mode and enter life?  Leave that place of safety, not retreat back to my fortress of solitude.  I want to, but I'm scared.

I don't remember what we did as a young dating couple, that was so long ago.  I'm not a young carefree woman anymore.   I have our daughter depending on me and our history, all those stories, all the ways you spoiled me.  I didn't spoil you like you did me, but I showed my love in my own way and you knew it was there.  When we were courting it was not you spoiling me, that didn't truly happen until later, it was more you trying to impress me.  Remember those awful lima bean burritos?  Me eating it politely, chewing a lot, "it's interesting."  You looking at me saying "you don't have to eat it, I know it's awful." We joked about that even after all of your years of culinary excellence.
What do I do love?  Do I just take a leap and let things happen? Live life & not give up on love?

You know it's always been so difficult for me to ask for help.  You use to joke that my tombstone would say, 'it's ok I'm fine'.

I keep hearing this song and it reminds me of you.  The best path is not always the easy path, we have to take risk in life to achieve anything.  I'm scared love, kinda like when I sat at that McDonalds on University all those years ago.  I miss you handsome man.


take care