I'm on the brink, it's fucking April. I vowed this year I would not let it consume me. I started the month off by anonymously paying for a breakfast I didn't eat. I vowed to do something along those lines each day this month, to take back April. I was on my way to not letting the hollow take over. Then the damn medical stuff again. I'm being asked those questions again. I'm being forced to choose between my best girl and my dad. I can't be everywhere. I did the best I could. I'm the official decider if he can't decide, if he can't communicate. My shoulders are so tense, for fucking real. I'm barely keeping shit together in front of her. Trying to keep the balance. Assure the dignity, yet I'm the decider. They asked the question, same question from three weeks ago. This time you turned and looked at me with a "what do you think?"
Am I ready to to have that stamp on the record? DNR. It still haunts me from six years ago and he was 35 years younger than the recipient of the question today.
My mind is going to dark places, I'm so tired, it never helps when I'm tired, and my head hurts. Instead I will tell you that my best girl told a very funny joke today. She captured our attention and got a jovial laugh. The kind of laugh in that picture on our table in the living room. There we were sitting in the hospital room visiting and trying to bring cheer and she told a joke. I think it was her first joke that was funny all on its own. It wasn't funny because a little kid was telling a joke that only made sense to the kid, it was funny because her delivery and timing were just spot on. I'd say that was her first successful joke punchline and all.
I miss my Mom.
take care,
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