Escaping April

 Why are days off from work so difficult?  It's the empty space, the loneliness creeps in, and my thoughts betray me.  Another part of our history will no longer exist come Saturday.  It is so odd to choose the day a living creature will no longer have life.  Reminds me of choices of the past.  Choices you asked my opinion and advice. Choices I had to make because I was the person you trusted most in the world and you could no longer speak for yourself.  

Why do I still struggle 2,208 days later? I think the legal document and saying goodbye to a life has its effects.  I was distracted most of the day, now that the distraction is done I seek another.  An escape.  I feel the month is poisoned.  

I miss you, and long for day 1353, 1354, 1355.  Long for days the hollow doesn't slowly sneak in and take me by surprise, bring me to the empty, the void in my chest that hurts.  I just want to close my eyes. 

Alas a distraction has arisen, a chance for me to help someone, take my focus off the hollow and make use of myself.  

take care, 

a jumbled mess

 Easter Monday, not really significant to me in the liturgical sense, but it is in my heart because that is the day she passed away.  The day after Easter. I really hate the month of April.  Yesterday I read a comment, meant to be funny.  She joked about some physical attribute in photos and her husband replied with a "you'll never find a man with that attitude" and she joked a response, thank goodness you're not dead.  That really hit me, I know it was meant in jest, but it was really hard to see that as a joke.  Then today the same couple shares they're anniversary, 14 years.  Yet another couple in our circle of friends that has outlasted our marriage albeit we fulfilled the whole 'til death do us part. This weekend I am working, it is my usual weekend to work and I did not try to change shifts.  It will be the first in 6 years I'm working on the 11th.  The sun will rise and it will set.  I thought I was ready, but I don't know if I am.  I guess it really doesn't matter, ready or not it the day will come and I will be at work.  

Saturday will be 11 years.  I still remember driving cross country, my brother warning me not to "take over".  That was hurtful, I just drove 36 hours straight from my house to the hospital and that was the first thing I remember him saying to me.  I watched her die, the woman who lived and breathed for her kids, at least that's how I remember.  I know after someone you love dies you tend to remember and maybe even embellish only the good things. 

I just realized that this year would have been our 20 year wedding anniversary.  Kind of a milestone I'd say.  

I also feel guilty for being sad about that.  It makes no sense at all I know.  I'm trying to keep things together for chapter 2.  So many things have been said, I'm confused and maybe even still a little nervous about letting you in.