I can't sleep, my mind swirls with so many thoughts. An upcoming trip, a phrase uttered at the gathering today, and the year ten. Funny it's not the thoughts you would think that are keeping me up. The new information I learned today was indeed new information, but not shocking or unexpected. The new information doesn't scare me or make me want to change course. If anything it's just the opposite, the new information is drawing me in, pulling me closer. I care so very much I want to help through thick and thin. I know I can because I've done it before, kinda like Harry Potter when he casts the all encompassing patronus. The possibility or dare I say likelihood of a repeat for me doesn't scare me or make me gun shy. I still want to learn and keep going even with this knowledge. I still want to take things one day at a time, no matter where the origin of the phrase I'm sticking with it and sticking with you. One day at a time.
I think what is keeping me up is a conversation we had tonight at the gathering. We talked about the place where your princess works. The people, well really family said that place had been there "forever" and I just can't fathom that. That building was not there when you were here. I know that in my bones. For them to say it has been here forever, at least ten years. It just hit me now 2:30 in the morning, it just clicked in my mind. The people I call family, the people who are from here, roots are here, all their memories are of here, just like your princess all they know is this area. They said it had been here forever, at least ten years. I even spoke up and said, no it hasn't been that long, I remember that building being built. It was built after you left this planet, you never step foot in that place. For the words it's been there forever makes it seem like you've been gone forever. Please understand the family was not trying to be malicious, they had no idea my brain still thinks in terms of before you, after you. On the way home C said it was built 7 or 8 years ago. That's not forever damn it. That's not even ten years ago, not yet damn it. The time as become a rounding up. I guess we're up to the nearest ten.
Math. I still remember you taking that statistics class to get your AA to transfer to SDSU. Sitting in that coffee shop in Coronado, Cafe 1134. We both did the homework. You on your paper for the actual grade and me on my paper so we could compare answers. If they weren't the same you'd look at my work and learn how I got to my answer. That's how we did so much of life. Learning how the other thought and we came to solutions together and understood where the other was coming from.
3,373 days. It's been 9 years and 88 days. It's kinda like I'm still 49, I'm not rounding up. Though this would be prime teasing time. From January until October I would get to tease you about how old you were. Gray hair jokes, which I don't believe I am donning just yet, that really use to make you smile in a shake your head kind of way. Remember your 88th birthday, the cake, the candles. You said you would wait for me even if it was until you were 88. I didn't even realize you had a thing for me. You even wanted to get married before I graduated. You watched me work so hard, studying in the library until 2am sneaking in coffee for us. Or maybe you just wanted me to know you were marrying me and not my degree. Whatever the reason that day in 2001 was the absolute best.
I'm rambling and now it's 3:20 AM.
I'm keeping the promise, but I'm not pushing it. I'm not giving up, but I'm not seeking. You know what I mean, you always did. Being open to it, just taking it one day at a time.
take care
