There is this pit in my stomach.
I miss my Mom. Twenty years ago today I spent the day with Gram, left for an hour to pick up my Mom and came home to find her gone. I still remember running up those 16 stairs because I knew there was something wrong. Five years later I would move away and shortly after that my Mom received her diagnosis. She was gone within two years. 4 years after my Mom passed away you received your diagnosis and you were gone within a year. I really am tired of being strong. I really just want a hug, like every day. I want someone to want to hug me, I don't want to have to ask for it. Maybe I'm just unhuggable. Maybe people just see me as this strong woman, well, I'm fucking tired of being strong. It's not like I have a choice, it's who I am. What else am I supposed to do?
This last week so many thoughts, monkey's wedding, make a wish, Lester. I think back to the very beginning, when I shared this space. That was a mistake. It was used, with the best intentions for sure, but it wasn't you. That wasn't fair, to either of us. You made choices, your actions with this information, even the riddle of the ancient language wasn't truly you. Those were actions for me I'm sure, but not fair, not sustainable.
I guess you really don't care, not to be friends, too difficult for you, I understand, I always do. Honestly I haven't felt important to you in these last few years no matter what sign was made. There was always something else, a game, or it was a chore to drive, it was too difficult, the weather. I shouldn't say always, just the last few years it felt like. Last year you couldn't even be bothered to do anything without my prodding. The game was so important. I even learned about your game, asked questions, took an interest. There was no reciprocation, again unless I prodded. I do see you were trying in the end I will give you that. I suppose too little too late. I didn't want to share with you anymore. When you told me the thoughts of another that I was fake. Did you deny, did you quickly say that's not my opinion? No, you didn't. That's not how you treat someone you cherish. That is not love.
You don't care to be friends, too painful to talk, ok I will respect that. I do miss our friendship. That I think we were good at, we were good for each other as friends. Yes, I still care and I wonder what's going on, it's hard not to, it's who I am. I'm not fake, it's legitimately who I am. I care deeply for other people. I care for people I've never met and for those important in my life you get 110% every time. You even made the comment about how protective I was when you were hurt and wait staff expected you to hoble to the other side of the restaurant, I gave my two cents and made sure you were taken care of, the claws came out so to speak. Maybe that's just something so unfathomable to you it appeared fake. One of my best traits is my genuineness, my ability to be empathetic. I don't feel those traits were appreciated or even noticed, just unbelievable I suppose. I'm tired, so very tired.
I'm ready to give up, but you fucking made me promise. Well, I'm not looking. I don't know where the hell you are, or if you even are. Damn your intellect, evidence based thinking, I miss all those things. I miss laughing. I want to respect your evidence based thinking, but I also want to picture my Mom and Gram and you laughing. I'm having a hard to time with the whole laughing thing right now. I loved making you laugh and hearing my Mom tell me "you're funny" as she just cackled. I miss laughing at your silly jokes. I miss being cherished, being loved for who I am, a strong, loving, genuine person. I need a hug, I want 50 hugs. I miss you.
take care,
