I feel really bad. I didn't know he was coming, I was surprised and so absolutely delighted he came and was there, holding my hand. I so missed that. It was years before you left this earth that holding hands in church was a thing. That is for another time.
Yet, my happiness and joy caused so much pain. A pain I felt at that exact same place watching the exact same thing. It was the first Christmas Eve without you. I saw my dear friend and her husband share a loving moment, holding hands at mass. I had to look away, I did my best to keep it together for your princess. Now, four years and four months later the friend I grew so close to is no longer here and I caused that very same deep hurt with my happiness. I'm so sorry my dear friend. I would come to you and ask your opinion or just chat with you about it, alas that is no longer possible.
Seeing others and their happiness with their partners is part of the path, the awful, ugly part. At least it's a path I understand, a path I myself still travel and will travel for the rest of my life. This path evolves, yes my dear even science is in my psyche. My path includes you now, to share this life, to live the days not alone, but as partners. All the days: good, bad, ugly. To share the joy, the pain, the mundane. When we said good bye today, I said I love you, didn't even think about it. It just came out like it was suppose to. Just natural. I admit I do think about saying it, making sure I say it enough so you know. I'm still learning how you feel loved. I hope I'm doing a good job to show you.
I'm sorry my friend.
I love you my dear.
take care,
