Instant

Gone
All gone.
Why did you have to leave too?  Things were coming together for me and for her.
Why
Why
I just don't understand.  The opinion I always sought out, the one I trusted, the one I aspired to.  There are times I just can't believe it is real, still in shock I suppose.  It's a different kind of hollow. 

I don't make friends easy.  We connected on such a level, we had such similar ideas from politics, religion, to how to keep our daughters safe, how to raise them.  I miss you. You were the constant. During the darkest times of my life you were the encouragement, the smile, the help I needed but could never ask for. 

Life is not fair. 

I'm scared.  In an instant, gone.  What if ... I'm scared.  So much loss, I'm scared.  All this loss, I'm afraid to get close again, I overcame that fear, at that time it wasn't a fear of losing the closeness, it was a fear of being close again.  A fear of having someone be important to me again, a fear of living life and having happiness.  I overcame that fear, I chose to live a life, not to merely exist, I chose to share life, share in happiness.  A new fear has taken over.  A fear of getting close to someone, I'm afraid it can go away in an instant.  I don't make friends easy, I know I've said that already.  Now I'm afraid to make friends because in an instant gone.  I don't want any more hollow. 

Sitting here as I contemplate, as I reflect, I realize I have been wanting to spend more time with you, part of me does not understand and just now I believe I figured out it's because I'm scared of losing you in an instant.  When you traveled a distance to be with family at an event I was worried.  When I didn't hear from you, when there was no response my  mind gave into the fear and thought of car accidents, you being gone scared me.  Over the last five weeks I've been quite needy and wanting to be with you all the time, the fear constricting my throat.  I don't feel strong anymore, is that bad?  it's like when I was merely existing I was strong and didn't lean on anyone, well I didn't ask for help.  Now that I have you I feel like I lean on you too much, I'm afraid I'll drive you away.   I'm sure this is not what you signed up for.  Too polite to say.  I don't know if I'm worth it.  I feel selfish at times, especially these last five weeks. 

I am so tired. 

I love you handsome man.

I'm sorry my dear.

The hollow is too difficult for words.

take care, 

profound

Philippinas 1:3
I give thanks to my God at every remembrance of you,

I think I'm finally coming back, it's ok if I do. I have you to thank for that my dear.

I found something today, your words, most personal thoughts, your hopes, your words written in your hand, touchingly honest because as you lived it was not writing you shared with the world to see or something you shared with me.  I found an old journal you kept spanning a few years.  The dates haunt me.

September 9, 2009 you quoted me I've never thought of myself as quote worthy.

"Kate also said something the other day that I found true, touching, and profound:
                   'I read not just to enjoy, but to engage with the world'
Oh what a woman!"

I even got an exclamation.  These pages I've read today reminded me how much you loved me and our daughter.  I know it was your private journal, but I do not feel one bit guilty for reading it.  Sometimes I'm afraid I will forget, I should say I'm still afraid I'll forget.  It was nice to read your thoughts and remember.  I had completely forgotten we chose books for each other to read.  I still remember suggesting Dawkins, oh boy did I open a can of worms or what.

One more  excerpt from an entry I will share

26 April 2010
 When we die, I think we truly wish our loved ones to not grieve too much, nor for too long, but to cherish what is best in their memories. 

Five years later you died, and fours years after that I have just found these words, your words.  Profound indeed.

I miss you handsome man even still.

take care