The piano, the deck, in all fairness these we spoke about and wanted to replace. The piano especially, you so wanted to surprise me as I found out later, we just couldn't swing it, and that being such a large expense hard to do on your own.
Windows
Blue 42
WiFi
coffee maker
Athena & Apollo
Kalypso
area rug
Little by little our home changes and the things that were here when you were here are not. New things have come and you'll never see or experience them. Things to not get input or your opinion.
Four years, I can't believe it's been nearly four years. It seems too far away, a lifetime; it still hurts like yesterday. Really it was bad today. There are good days, more and more the good days are out numbering the bad. I'm not sure how I feel about that, it's almost like a guilt feeling. How dare I find happiness and love when there is still a hole in my heart and soul that will never go away. The hole is not consuming as it was, it's not swallowing me alive anymore.
There was a memory that sparked last night. It made my legs collapse and not hold me up, I crumpled to the floor. I just finished a shower and I remembered the decisions, the look on Dr. L's face when he came back from vacation and learned you were on hospice. I didn't have the results, I didn't have the results, why the fuck didn't I have the results. I should have waited, I should have fucking waited. Then there was Dr. N who spoiled our Thanksgiving, our last Thanksgiving. We had to celebrate on Wednesday because of my work, that's when she decided it was time to discuss and think about what if things didn't go the way we wanted. DNR
I wanted to to keep going with the full dose, not to back off. It was working, it was fucking working. The body can only take so much she said. He was young. But no, she advised to back down and go to a maintenance plan. I wanted to keep going and keep hitting the cancer hard keep it shrinking. No, that was the last of everything. Last Thanksgiving, our last anniversary, last Christmas, your last birthday, her last birthday, last Spring together as a family. No mother's day. No father's day. Not there for our picture in the directory. I improvised and it was beautiful.
K: "Will this be his last Christmas?"
M: "I hope not."
Diagnosis on Mother's Day one year and gone before the next Mother's Day.
You spoiled me so. I'm forgetting the little things. The "come home safe" every time I left the house. The magnificent meals you created. You made me feel so beautiful, I started to believe you when you said I was the most beautiful woman in the room; you said it so often. "I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you go." The way we danced in such harmony, in sync with each other on every level.
Am I doing things right?
She is so different now, growing up. She so reminds me of you. Sense of direction, quick wit, humor. Her love of reading and writing.
Four years, how can it be four fucking years?! The amount of time it takes to start and graduate from high school. That was a goal you had, to see her graduate from high school. You said you'd be happy if you could at least have that, you pleaded. Then when we went to your last chemo, your last treatment that fucking spring, you asked me "Am I going to come home?" and what did I say "I hope so." What a terrible thing to say. Oh yeah, now I'm remembering that visit. It wasn't for chemo, it was for a checkup, you were in so much pain. They kept upping and upping your pain meds. There was a fill in doctor because Dr. N was gone on vacation and Dr. L hadn't seen you yet. This other doctor said it was up to you, go home on more pain meds or be admitted to get pain under control. You wanted to come home, you were in so much pain. I talked you into going to the hospital to get the pain under control. Using IV medication would help the pain better, get it under control then go home on oral medication. You wanted to come home. I talked you out of it, you never came home again until I held you in my arms in a fucking plastic box. That's how you came home. AS drove us home before we went to the luncheon. I couldn't leave you there. That was an option to come back later and pick up the ashes. I couldn't do that, I couldn't leave YOU there. I had to bring you home. I couldn't drive though, that's why AS drove and took us home.
Why am I doing this? I am so tired. I feeling like giving up. My heart is pounding, my nose is stuffed, my head hurts, my soul aches.
take care
