I'm here again, tired, exhausted, I don't allow myself to sleep. I think it's because I don't want tomorrow to come, I don't know how many tomorrows there will be left. You have no more tomorrows, neither does my Mom, and the uncertainty that lies ahead keeps me from sleep.
The fucking demon is back, the demon that's plagued my life these last 10 years. I thought it was gone in 2010 when it took my Mom, five years later it took you, and now it's fucking back. I feel like it knows when happiness is born and that's when it lays it roots to destroy.
Our daughter was just a year old, the demon laid it's claws and latched into my Mom, two years later she was gone. No one to turn to for "Mom" advice, for home remedies, to share the latest funny story of her grandchild. A grandchild that has absolutely no memory of her Nona, even though that little three year old danced at her wake. Our life was just starting here in our new home, no phone calls, no visits, no cards in the mailbox with her distinguished handwriting.
The darkness wasn't as dark as time moved forward and the tomorrows continued to dawn. Eventually the sun overcame the shadows and happiness was trying to push through, like Spring tries to push through the snow and cold even in April. I made some changes with my career and tried to make a difference, to see people in their environment, not just a face in front of me, I made an effort to learn their story. That didn't last long because the demon reared it's ugly head and this time took you away from me, away from our little girl. The darkness was back and consumed me, took my life, left me with a hollowness and emptiness words can not describe. There were days I did not want to live another tomorrow I wanted to be consumed by the empty, to just disappear. I found strength for our daughter, strength to face tomorrow with her always in my mind. The demon claimed you, then took you 11 months later.
It's been 3 years and two days, (since I don't allow myself to sleep tonight it's technically 3 years and three days). Guess what, happiness and joy were creeping back into my life, I've kept my promise & didn't give up. The bastard is back.
I don't want to do this again, haven't I passed the test, proven I'm strong, proven I can handle a great deal of pain, grief, emptiness. I'm still here, still strong, still keeping it together. Joy, happiness, excitement, were all pages returning to my story, even my faith was starting to return to my life. Right on cue the fucking demon is back.
I am so tired. My head aches. Tomorrow is on the way.
I love you handsome man.
take care
