numb

I have to scroll farther and farther to find pictures of you.  You are getting further and further away.  I sit here with tears rolling down my face, silence, not to wake our little girl.  It's passed and now I'm just numb.  I don't care anymore.  I should just close my eyes and sleep.  I am exhausted.  I miss you handsome man.

take care,

Another wave crashes down

I'm sitting in the parking lot before my shift & I'm just struggling.  I don't know why I'm telling you, I don't know what else to do.  I can't escape, nothing is working, not my book, not music, I'm drowning.  I don't know why.  This is dumb, I'll drown myself in work. Writing helps, it'll be enough I wrote it down. No one needs to know.

you are not in them

I am so lonely.  I cherish my time with our little girl.  I've learned to be funny and goofy with her.  I was before, but I seemed to always play the straight man to your comedic ways.  I think I've found a balance in that regard.  I miss being your partner in everything.  I miss how you always made me feel beautiful.  I updated our pictures in the living room, you are not in them.  We put our old family pictures on the wall in the dining room, a new place.  You won't be in any future pictures, when she graduates, after a school play, and not in the photos from our twentieth wedding anniversary.  In less than a month I will have surpassed your age, never be able to tease you with old age jokes, even if it was only a 10 month difference. I am so lonely and empty it hurts.
I miss you handsome man and love you still.

take care,

waiting
too good to be true
lack of sleep makes things worse
journey
run
pictures
empty
tired
need a hug
tomorrow still comes

even if it's just a little

Tomorrow our little one starts fourth grade, she is growing up to be such a lovely young lady.  We still miss you so much.  Each day comes and goes.  I was told I'm finally learning to accept life without you, it still hurts.  I do think about you every day even if it's just a little, I still wear your ring around my  neck.  I haven't worn my wedding ring for some months now.  I forgot to put it on one morning and I just couldn't bring myself to put it on when I got home.  My wedding ring is a constant reminder of the wife I can no longer be to you, but your ring gives me strength.

I noticed today that I'm still careful not to bump my hand on random objects at work so not to hit my ring, it's not there anymore, just like you're not here anymore.  I know you're in my heart and all that mushy talk, I like to think about it in a different way.  You're in my mind.  When I'm having a tough day I think about choices I should make as if you were watching.  I still want to make you proud, to be the woman you always boasted about.

Are you still proud of me? Am I doing right by our little girl?  All I know is that I'm doing the best I can.  I love you so very very much and I miss you.

take care,

our promise I'll keep

Tomorrow we fly.  We take a trip you never had the chance to take.  We leave the country and take our first adventure abroad.  Something we tried to do as a couple then as a family of three.  I promise to keep our word, to share this world with our daughter, expose her to countries and cultures & allow her to learn first hand what we only understood from books.  We all live on this planet and can learn from each other.

I miss you so much, I still wish someone understood me like you did.  I say things and I just try to imagine what it sounds like to others.  I miss you so.


love you handsome man

take care

craving escape of molecules

There are so many thoughts and ideas I just want to share.  I miss our times sipping coffee and talking about the struggles and triumphs of our world.  I so desperately want to have an in depth discussion about ideas and issues in our society today.  I want to talk about books and how they relate to what is going on in our world.  I crave intellectual discussion, yearn to share ideas and thoughts in a respectful and equal atmosphere.  I've been searching, but to no success.  I don't want to be talked down to, like my opinions are child like, I don't want a discussion with a "know-it-all" or with an individual of closed mind.  Am I asking for too much in this life I now have without you?

I wander around my community, in society with all of these thoughts and ideas buzzing in my brain, just waiting to be released, expressed, shared.   Like molecules in a confined space waiting to escape, possibly to even make a difference in their new atmosphere.  I not only want to express my ideas and thoughts on the topics of the day, I also want to hear ideas and opinions of others, to learn, to understand a different view of the same topic.


I miss you handsome man.

take care,