What do I do when it’s time to turn the distraction off? I need to sleep, but the non-fiction of my life fills my mind & I can not sleep. Why are the waves so violent right now? My life has become a distraction. I am so tired. I need a hug.
take care
I saw a play yesterday, it was really very well done. It had cued up so many memories for me. One of the main characters was dealing with stage IV cancer. It showed his progression from diagnosis to death. That was not the main point of the play, but it was a major role in the story. So many memories, visions I can't get out of my head. It absolutely wrecked me yesterday. Sleeping on the living couch as you slept in the chair, helping you in the middle of the night go to the bathroom. An entire routine we came up with to get you in and out of the car when you no longer had strength to move your legs. Watching you shiver in your bath chair as I bathed you in the tub. Alcohol did not help, I know better than that. I started talking down to myself, insulted my appearance. I don't know why this his happening. No more alcohol, I don't know why Dad turned to the numbing agent, but I must accept I am susceptible and take steps not to go down the path he traveled so many years ago.
A theory I have. I've been a care giver for as long as I can remember. I would do it again in a heart beat I am by no means complaining. Maybe just maybe I have the time to grieve myself, there is no focus on anyone else be it C or my Dad. It's like I have this attention that has no place to be directed. C is well on her way, she has launched beautifully. Yes there are times she still needs me, but not like before. I'm not a constant solo source for care for her. It does not all lay on my shoulders as it did before, which is a good thing. I feel like I helped provide the tools for her to handle her stuff. My Dad is no longer here, three years ago today as a matter of fact. My focus is on me. I feel so fragile. I feel like I can't find joy. It hurts to smile. I don't want to be around people I just want to hide in my house sitting in my chair as I look over to where you sat at one time. Looking to my right and wishing you were still here, you feel so far away. I wonder what you would look like now. What influences you would have on your princess and what she would be like now if you were still alive. I don't know why I do this to myself. I think I'm done for the day, no more people. I'm gonna hide out in my house, just me and the dogs. I'm struggling, yesterday I was drowning gasping for air as I bobbed up and down in the water. Today the waves are not thrashing me around, but I can't touch the bottom and I'm getting tired of paddling water.
I am tired, I will escape to fictional oblivion, tune all the thoughts out and distracted myself with fiction.
take care,
I haven't felt this in many years. I feel hollow, empty. I just want a hug, a real tight hug. I feel like people think I'm not a hugger, but I really am. I'm drowning, a shower didn't help. Usually water, I know with the waves and drowning analogy it seems counter intuitive, but alas the shower did not help. I've had a few realizations, my Dad died two weeks to the day after my birthday. I discovered that at work, calling patients to remind them to pick up their meds. My Gram died the day before my birthday and my Dad died the day after her birthday. So fuckin weird how dates have such a hold on my brain. This year would have been our 25th. That has been weighing on me as well. I can't seem to get out of this funk. Distraction of work does the trick for some of the time, but now I'm just burnt out. I've worked the last 10 consecutive days, not easy stuff either, extremely stressful. I've worked over 50 hours a week the last four weeks.
One relationship ended and another came back. The timing was so weird, I wasn't ready. I didn't have time to process the end of the first. I think it was less than a week. I said I just wanted friendship, but I'm too much of a people pleaser and gave in. I didn't have time. That ending was not as difficult as ours. I still needed time to process and get over it. Probably a couple of months, not a few days. With you it took me years, then all of a sudden boom.
I want to share what's in my brain right now with you, but I feel like it'll be too much. I don't give you enough support or maybe I do and I just don't know it, that sounds conceited. It makes me think back to all those years when J asked me why I feel guilty asking for help, I needed more help than you did. Maybe the situation is the same now, I'm struggling so bad because I've had so much loss. I really want this emptiness to go away. I want to feel comforted in someone's embrace. I want to be able to cry without worrying about hurting feelings of the person that's there.
It's not fair, I know that. I really want you to help me, but I can't ask. When people say let me know what I can do to help, that puts the burden of the person needing help. They have to ask for it, I don't know what I need for help, I don't want to be a bother. If people want to help they just do it with no expectation of being paid back or expectation of praise, just do it for the sake of helping the other person. I don't know my mind is just going.
Maybe the action of my fingers hitting the keys and me releasing some of this has helped. I still need a hug and feel like I'm being swallowed by the hollow in my chest, but I can breathe a little better now.
take care,
