Kites on the Ice

 I'm sitting here in the coffee room, great name by the way, drinking a hot white chocolate something and looking out onto a frozen lake in Buffalo Minnesota.  There are lots and lots of cars out there, daring mother nature, well at least in my mind that is not familiar with the practice of driving on frozen lakes.  Pictures of the nasty sister falling through the ice from "Little Women" come to my mind.  The room is quiet and dark, just the natural light coming in from the window overlooking the lake.  Ice houses, families, dogs all having a wonderful time.  There was a kite festival earlier today so cool to see this community enjoying their Saturday February 14th, Valentine's day.  I have found more books of poetry to peruse and use as a spring board to contemplate and reflect.  I need to do this more often. 

I truly wonder what you would be like now my love.  I'm sure you would still be the avid reader, what discussions would we have these days.  I think I would be a different person at this moment, I may not even be at this retreat and learning to be a befriender if you were still on this earth.  I like the way my life is right now, it's not better than before it's just what my life is these days.  I remember you saying home is where ever I was.  I learned from a woman today who's husband passed away, all though I think she may have been divorced when he passed, I'm not sure.  Not all marriages are good and fulfilling.  I know I sound so Pollyanna, but you were all I ever knew.  You asked me to grow old with you every day, and now I am here growing old without you.  I'm not in the same place I was years ago when I made my silent retreat here, I've grown even since then.  I'm proud of who I am and what I'm doing, I don't want to blow my own horn, but I'm being honest, not boastful.  

I love you handsome man so very much, I often think what our lives would be like.  Would our daughter be on the same path as she is now? Would she be at the same school? Would she choose the same course of study? So many questions, questions that really don't matter, the answers are pointless, but fun to think about sometimes.  I do miss your daily humor in my life.  I miss the jovial, the "dad" jokes, the puns.  I guess I really miss my own Dad for the same reasons.  I must sign off for now my love.  

take care, 

 

The Starry Night 1889

What laughter booms across the night sky

from the bellies of heavenly beings? Few hear it,

but sometimes the breath of heaven curls like a bard's beard

and what has only twinkled begins to beat and throb. 

Behind it all a drumbeat calls over the mountains. 

The villagers think it's thunder, those who are not asleep. 

Only a few remain awake to see the starry, starry night

and witness what they can barely imagine how to tell. 

Some nights the roar breaks the silence.  One was there

when it happened, and saw, and tried to tell the secret,

and died young.  How much of life he gave for this

we cannot know.  We know only that something precious

as nard was poured out at the foot of these hills, 

the blue, the yellow bought with solitary tears. 

From The Color of Light Poems on Van Gogh's Late Paintings

Marilyn Chandler McEntyre

Not sure why this poem stuck out to me, but it did.  Maybe something about the laughter from bellies of heavenly beings.  I will leave this here.  

take care

In this place again, sadly the last time.

 Your princess has started college and my life is in a transition.  I'm no longer sandwiched between my Dad and kiddo.  I've come to call her that these days.  Not sure what you would be calling her, what nick names you would have for her now.  You would be 52 years old and my old jokes have just begun really.  I miss you, even still.  So I've chosen to serve people as a befriender.  I'm just learning the ropes.

I've gone to a isolated part of the retreat center, the part that actually has wifi allowing me time to myself and time to blog and reflect.  Here's what I have so far from yesterday: it's a cut and paste job, but you get the gist. 

Well that function will not work.  Something involving paying for something, always seems to be the way.  I got here on Friday February 13, 2026, I'm on retreat with a wonderful group of people, I am the youngest person here by the way.  I'm learning so much and really putting my listening skills to use.  

One session talked about hopelessness and how that can be a gift from God, I'm thinking are you nuts?  But of course after further reflection and sitting with the idea it just might be a gift.  When we feel hopeless that is a time to turn to God.  My answer was I didn't let myself feel hopeless for very long I tried to take action to do something.  There is no time limit, and it could very well be I am a different person, dare I say better person for the pain and suffering I endured.  

Another session that really stayed with me was Questions of Jesus.  

Here they are: 

1. What do you want me to do for you? 

2. Why were you weeping? 

3. What are you looking for? 

4. Do you want to be made well? 

5. Why are you afraid? 

6. Do you love me? 

7. Why are you frightened and why do doubts arise in your hearts? 

8. Did I not choose you? 

9. Where is your faith? 

The assignment was to choose three of these questions that were most pertinent in your life right now.  

There are readings from the New Testament where Jesus actually asks these questions. The three I chose were:

 What do you want me to do for you? 

What are you looking for? 

Where is your faith? 

Of course we had to whittle down those choices to one.  I settled on 

What are you looking for? 

As I alluded at the beginning of this post I am in a transition period in my life.  My daughter has graduated from high school and she is well on her way to defining her own life and exploring paths she can take forward.  It is so exciting to watch and I am so very proud of her.  I've been doing this solo for so long I forgot I was supposed to be an empty nester with you.  I am so use to being alone it's not as painful.  I guess I shouldn't say alone, I have companionship.  Chapter two is done and the book is closed, but I've got a long term subscription to very adventurous circular if you will. My love, I really do not think I will have that eros love again.  The topic of another session on this retreat.  I digress.  

Part of the question exercise was to imagine discussing this question with Jesus or a wise person.  I imagined walking with Anne at the farm along the driveway.  I'm looking for a path, a way to live my life with my role as Mom still there, but defined a bit differently.  I'm not the rule maker or rule enforcer anymore.  My role as cheerleader, supporter is still there and maybe even there more than ever.  I'm not sure exactly what I mean.  I do know that I love my daughter with all of my heart and soul and everything that is inside me.  The really cool thing is I also really like her, like a lot.  She is such a cool person, funny, smart, passionate, balanced.  Again, I digress.  She is the center of my world and now she is not in my world has much and I need to find a path that is for me.  Something fulfilling, I chose the befriender ministry.  Away for me to serve in a different capacity.  It's a quiet way, which I know shocker since I'm such a talker, but I think I'll be good at it.  I want to be a person she is proud of, set a good example while I still can, she's doing great on her own.  

We talked about Needling love vs. Giving love.  God loves me.  We say that all the time, but the leader said, no God loves me.  That is different from God loves everybody.  It's hard to acknowledge that I am loveable and deserve love.  The love of God and other people.  The leader of my group said she went on a retreat for women who lost their mother.  One exercise was to write a letter to your Mom then write what you think her response would be.  That really got me thinking.  I so wish I could share some stories with my Mom, to hear her say, see, I told you.  I can hear my Gram saying someday you'll be a mother and you'll understand.  I wonder what my Mom would thing of my life.  How I chose to raise my daughter, on my own.  Not because of a choice, not because of a bad marriage or bad relationship, but because this is the life I have, the life of a widow.  My parents' relationship was not the best and not something to model. I don't know, it's the agape that was there for me from my Mom, my Gram, and my Dad.  No matter what.  I have that same agape for my daughter and I sure hope she feels it.  

My thoughts are all over the place.  I will take a break for the time being and read some poetry.  Not sure why that's my comfort, relaxing activity, but it is.  

I love you handsome man, always will. 

take care

So tired

 My eyelids are heavy and my heart is tired.  Thoughts swirl and my mind just goes.  I need a rest, I need laughter.  I need something funny to ease my mind.  A needed day off from work, but my mind betrays me.  I'm struggling, but do I share, do I say.  I'm trying to be helpful, but I'm just so tired and absolutely drained.  I expended a lot of energy this afternoon, I did enjoy myself, but there was a price.  I am so tired. I know I keep saying that.  I don't know what else to say.  

One day at a time

 I can't sleep, my mind swirls with so many thoughts. An upcoming trip, a phrase uttered at the gathering today, and the year ten.  Funny it's not the thoughts you would think that are keeping me up.  The new information I learned today was indeed new information, but not shocking or unexpected.  The new information doesn't scare me or make me want to change course.  If anything it's just the opposite, the new information is drawing me in, pulling me closer.  I care so very much I want to help through thick and thin. I know I can because I've done it before, kinda like Harry Potter when he casts the all encompassing patronus.   The possibility or dare I say likelihood of a repeat for me doesn't scare me or make me gun shy.  I still want to learn and keep going even with this knowledge.  I still want to take things one day at a time, no matter where the origin of the phrase I'm sticking with it and sticking with you. One day at a time. 

I think what is keeping me up is a conversation we had tonight at the gathering.  We talked about the place where your princess works.  The people, well really family said that place had been there "forever" and I just can't fathom that.  That building was not there when you were here.  I know that in my bones.  For them to say it has been here forever, at least ten years.  It just hit me now 2:30 in the morning, it just clicked in my mind.  The people I call family, the people who are from here, roots are here, all their memories are of here, just like your princess all they know is this area.  They said it had been here forever, at least ten years.  I even spoke up and said, no it hasn't been that long, I remember that building being built.  It was built after you left this planet, you never step foot in that place.  For the words it's been there forever makes it seem like you've been gone forever.  Please understand the family was not trying to be malicious, they had no idea my brain still thinks in terms of before you, after you.  On the way home C said it was built 7 or 8 years ago. That's not forever damn it.  That's not even ten years ago, not yet damn it.  The time as become a rounding up. I guess we're up to the nearest ten.  

Math.  I still remember you taking that statistics class to get your AA to transfer to SDSU.  Sitting in that coffee shop in Coronado, Cafe 1134.  We both did the homework.  You on your paper for the actual grade and me on my paper so we could compare answers.  If they weren't the same you'd look at my work and learn how I got to my answer.  That's how we did so much of life.  Learning how the other thought and we came to solutions together and understood where the other was coming from.  

3,373 days. It's been 9 years and 88 days. It's kinda like I'm still 49, I'm not rounding up.  Though this would be prime teasing time.  From January until October I would get to tease you about how old you were.  Gray hair jokes, which I don't believe I am donning just yet, that really use to make you smile in a shake your head kind of way.  Remember your 88th birthday, the cake, the candles.  You said you would wait for me even if it was until you were 88. I didn't even realize you had a thing for me.  You even wanted to get married before I graduated.  You watched me work so hard, studying in the library until 2am sneaking in coffee for us.  Or maybe you just wanted me to know you were marrying me and not my degree.  Whatever the reason that day in 2001 was the absolute best. 

I'm rambling and now it's 3:20 AM.  

I'm keeping the promise, but I'm not pushing it.  I'm not giving up, but I'm not seeking. You know what I mean, you always did.  Being open to it, just taking it one day at a time. 

take care

Inevitable

The only thing in life that is inevitable is death.  Death is a part of life. Everything that lives will die, from the dandelion in the front yard, the animal that becomes part of the family, to the most important person in your life.  The circumstances of death are not known, the aftermath of death is a mystery.  The focus should be on life and the time we have on this planet however finite it may be.  The finality of life is a reason to strive to do good.  To do good for others and do good for ourselves.  Sharing kindness, caring, and giving love are all part of this finite world. It is important to also be open to kindness, caring and the love freely given and not be afraid of  the dates on a tombstone.  Unfortunately pain, sorrow, evil, loneliness are also components of this world, but those are finite too.  For the fixed time we have on this planet let us live, feel joy, let us love and help one another with the pain, sorrow, evil, and loneliness.  

Whatever the number of decades, years, months, days or mere moments; giving love and being open to love is all that matters. 

take care

301

 Living again.  Not just existing, completing tasks, checking boxes, crossing off the to do list.  Actually living. laughing, having discussions, being open. 

My cheeks hurt I'm smiling so much

I'm a little nervous, the wall of protection is not there, I'm kinda trusting, I'm kinda nervous, lots of excitement too.  I think the key is not to overthink it.  

Smarter now.  Chapter 3, maybe. 

take care,