My ocean

 What I've learned about my grief and maybe I use this analogy because I grew up on the west coast and the beach was a place I found joy and peace and excitement.  The ocean is magnificent and powerful and not predictable, at least not predictable to me.  I describe my grief as the ocean.  I always start on the shore.  There can be horrible storms and the storms pull me out to the sea.  In the early days I wanted to be pulled out never to be returned to the shore.  I'm trapped in the waves just barely surviving and just barely able to do a dog paddle to keep my head above the crashing waves.  There can be storms not so horrible, I'm still pulled out to sea and I can catch my breath a little easier in between waves.  At the end of the storm I'm always brought back to the shore.  There are times the waves just come in and reach my knees or just my ankles and sometimes the waves are so small they tickle my fee and I laugh and giggle.  There are other days I ride the waves and enjoy them like surfers, the waves bring me on a fun trip and it's thrilling.  

Early in my journey before I met you I was pulled out to sea for days, weeks at a time, it was the horrible storms where I was drowning.  I did not want to  come back to shore I wanted to perish and never return.  What kept me dog paddling and gasping for air was C.  She was on the shore and she was also caught in the horrid waves at times.  I needed to be her buoy.  When she was drowning I would do my best to bring her up to the surface and as a drowning person will do with an untrained swimmer I got pushed down into the wave trying to keep both our heads above water. 

 When I met you I was still caught in storms, sometimes it was the horrid ugly storms other times it wasn't so bad I was just drifting out there waiting to get back to shore.  Eventually I got use to the tides and learned to navigate them better.  There are more days now that my toes are tickled and I'm giggling or I'm out riding the waves like the best surfer ever.  There are still storms out there that pull me out to sea, but they don't last as long and they are very rare.  Sometimes I'll be standing on the shore, my feet in the sand and this huge wave crashes over me, but I'm not dragged out to sea, I'm not struggling.  I'm just drenched and the wave is gone as quick as it came.  This ocean will always be in my life.  I would like it if you were on the shore giggling when the waves tickle, waiting for me on the sand when I get pulled out to sea or having a towel ready for me when I'm drenched with an unexpected wave on the sand and being my biggest cheerleader as I ride the wave in style back to shore.  I hope that makes sense. 

Library book

Fate, really I don't know about that, I'm not a subscriber.  Though I didn't toss it, I was real close to tossing it, but I didn't.  Am I crazy for even entertaining the idea.   It's been a little over 3 years.  Timing is so weird.  

I wasn't heart broken, just wasn't a good fit for me, I don't know I'm pretty tired, drained.  Lots of energy expended today.  It's so easy.  I'm all over the place and so non-coherent.  There wasn't even time, though not sure what that would look like.  I still remember the parking lot promise, I think you  may have forgotten.  Different phase of my  life.  No longer daughter.  I'll always and forever be Mom, but a different capacity.  I have more confidence, I think.  Life is good, I think I'll just go with that for now.  

take care, 

Dear Mom

 Dear Mom 

What's it like these last 15 almost 16 years?  Gram was there to greet you, what does she look like now?   What about you?  How are things going with Dad?  Is it weird to see him after all this time.  Is time even a thing there?  I miss the fact that we can't laugh and joke about things, especially now.  There are so many moments I have with my daughter that I know you experienced or at least I think you did.  I remember you telling me I was so funny and I have those same thoughts with my daughter now.  I realize now, like at this very moment that you were a person too.  I know that sounds so dumb, but I had that realization when I wrote the second eulogy for Dad's funeral.  You had dreams, fears, excitement, disappointment, grief.  Thank you for being my Mom.  I know you loved me because now I'm a mother, I'm your daughter and saw how you loved me and learned from both you and Gram.  I wonder what you would think of your granddaughters.  Yes plural, one with your namesake.  I know what it's like to have your daughter go off to school now like you did so long ago.  Mine is so much younger than I was when I left home.  Mine is also so much closer to home than yours nearly 28 years ago now.  I was home longer with you, mine has spread her wings at a younger age.  Circumstances are different, but the launching is the same.  I know you felt alone after both of your kids left the same summer.  In your home there were two others to share meals, share words, and share space.  It was not a silent home, much quieter I'm sure.  

What are your thoughts?  I guess I'm still looking for your approval, wondering if I'm doing ok in your eyes.  How's R?  Did you greet him, you finally met his Mom I guess.  How'd that go?  I can't even imagine you and L in the same room together.  What about AS?  I know you met here, during times of celebration.  I don't know what else to say Mom, you've been gone so long, I still miss you, miss that cackle of yours and getting us both going and Gram would joke about how many eggs we would lay.  I have those type of inside jokes with C, memories I hope she will think back on with fondness some day.  

I know I do things differently than you did, I know you loved me the best you could and I hope you know I love you and still think about you all the time.  

take care, 

Kites on the Ice

 I'm sitting here in the coffee room, great name by the way, drinking a hot white chocolate something and looking out onto a frozen lake in Buffalo Minnesota.  There are lots and lots of cars out there, daring mother nature, well at least in my mind that is not familiar with the practice of driving on frozen lakes.  Pictures of the nasty sister falling through the ice from "Little Women" come to my mind.  The room is quiet and dark, just the natural light coming in from the window overlooking the lake.  Ice houses, families, dogs all having a wonderful time.  There was a kite festival earlier today so cool to see this community enjoying their Saturday February 14th, Valentine's day.  I have found more books of poetry to peruse and use as a spring board to contemplate and reflect.  I need to do this more often. 

I truly wonder what you would be like now my love.  I'm sure you would still be the avid reader, what discussions would we have these days.  I think I would be a different person at this moment, I may not even be at this retreat and learning to be a befriender if you were still on this earth.  I like the way my life is right now, it's not better than before it's just what my life is these days.  I remember you saying home is where ever I was.  I learned from a woman today who's husband passed away, all though I think she may have been divorced when he passed, I'm not sure.  Not all marriages are good and fulfilling.  I know I sound so Pollyanna, but you were all I ever knew.  You asked me to grow old with you every day, and now I am here growing old without you.  I'm not in the same place I was years ago when I made my silent retreat here, I've grown even since then.  I'm proud of who I am and what I'm doing, I don't want to blow my own horn, but I'm being honest, not boastful.  

I love you handsome man so very much, I often think what our lives would be like.  Would our daughter be on the same path as she is now? Would she be at the same school? Would she choose the same course of study? So many questions, questions that really don't matter, the answers are pointless, but fun to think about sometimes.  I do miss your daily humor in my life.  I miss the jovial, the "dad" jokes, the puns.  I guess I really miss my own Dad for the same reasons.  I must sign off for now my love.  

take care, 

 

The Starry Night 1889

What laughter booms across the night sky

from the bellies of heavenly beings? Few hear it,

but sometimes the breath of heaven curls like a bard's beard

and what has only twinkled begins to beat and throb. 

Behind it all a drumbeat calls over the mountains. 

The villagers think it's thunder, those who are not asleep. 

Only a few remain awake to see the starry, starry night

and witness what they can barely imagine how to tell. 

Some nights the roar breaks the silence.  One was there

when it happened, and saw, and tried to tell the secret,

and died young.  How much of life he gave for this

we cannot know.  We know only that something precious

as nard was poured out at the foot of these hills, 

the blue, the yellow bought with solitary tears. 

From The Color of Light Poems on Van Gogh's Late Paintings

Marilyn Chandler McEntyre

Not sure why this poem stuck out to me, but it did.  Maybe something about the laughter from bellies of heavenly beings.  I will leave this here.  

take care

In this place again, sadly the last time.

 Your princess has started college and my life is in a transition.  I'm no longer sandwiched between my Dad and kiddo.  I've come to call her that these days.  Not sure what you would be calling her, what nick names you would have for her now.  You would be 52 years old and my old jokes have just begun really.  I miss you, even still.  So I've chosen to serve people as a befriender.  I'm just learning the ropes.

I've gone to a isolated part of the retreat center, the part that actually has wifi allowing me time to myself and time to blog and reflect.  Here's what I have so far from yesterday: it's a cut and paste job, but you get the gist. 

Well that function will not work.  Something involving paying for something, always seems to be the way.  I got here on Friday February 13, 2026, I'm on retreat with a wonderful group of people, I am the youngest person here by the way.  I'm learning so much and really putting my listening skills to use.  

One session talked about hopelessness and how that can be a gift from God, I'm thinking are you nuts?  But of course after further reflection and sitting with the idea it just might be a gift.  When we feel hopeless that is a time to turn to God.  My answer was I didn't let myself feel hopeless for very long I tried to take action to do something.  There is no time limit, and it could very well be I am a different person, dare I say better person for the pain and suffering I endured.  

Another session that really stayed with me was Questions of Jesus.  

Here they are: 

1. What do you want me to do for you? 

2. Why were you weeping? 

3. What are you looking for? 

4. Do you want to be made well? 

5. Why are you afraid? 

6. Do you love me? 

7. Why are you frightened and why do doubts arise in your hearts? 

8. Did I not choose you? 

9. Where is your faith? 

The assignment was to choose three of these questions that were most pertinent in your life right now.  

There are readings from the New Testament where Jesus actually asks these questions. The three I chose were:

 What do you want me to do for you? 

What are you looking for? 

Where is your faith? 

Of course we had to whittle down those choices to one.  I settled on 

What are you looking for? 

As I alluded at the beginning of this post I am in a transition period in my life.  My daughter has graduated from high school and she is well on her way to defining her own life and exploring paths she can take forward.  It is so exciting to watch and I am so very proud of her.  I've been doing this solo for so long I forgot I was supposed to be an empty nester with you.  I am so use to being alone it's not as painful.  I guess I shouldn't say alone, I have companionship.  Chapter two is done and the book is closed, but I've got a long term subscription to very adventurous circular if you will. My love, I really do not think I will have that eros love again.  The topic of another session on this retreat.  I digress.  

Part of the question exercise was to imagine discussing this question with Jesus or a wise person.  I imagined walking with Anne at the farm along the driveway.  I'm looking for a path, a way to live my life with my role as Mom still there, but defined a bit differently.  I'm not the rule maker or rule enforcer anymore.  My role as cheerleader, supporter is still there and maybe even there more than ever.  I'm not sure exactly what I mean.  I do know that I love my daughter with all of my heart and soul and everything that is inside me.  The really cool thing is I also really like her, like a lot.  She is such a cool person, funny, smart, passionate, balanced.  Again, I digress.  She is the center of my world and now she is not in my world has much and I need to find a path that is for me.  Something fulfilling, I chose the befriender ministry.  Away for me to serve in a different capacity.  It's a quiet way, which I know shocker since I'm such a talker, but I think I'll be good at it.  I want to be a person she is proud of, set a good example while I still can, she's doing great on her own.  

We talked about Needling love vs. Giving love.  God loves me.  We say that all the time, but the leader said, no God loves me.  That is different from God loves everybody.  It's hard to acknowledge that I am loveable and deserve love.  The love of God and other people.  The leader of my group said she went on a retreat for women who lost their mother.  One exercise was to write a letter to your Mom then write what you think her response would be.  That really got me thinking.  I so wish I could share some stories with my Mom, to hear her say, see, I told you.  I can hear my Gram saying someday you'll be a mother and you'll understand.  I wonder what my Mom would thing of my life.  How I chose to raise my daughter, on my own.  Not because of a choice, not because of a bad marriage or bad relationship, but because this is the life I have, the life of a widow.  My parents' relationship was not the best and not something to model. I don't know, it's the agape that was there for me from my Mom, my Gram, and my Dad.  No matter what.  I have that same agape for my daughter and I sure hope she feels it.  

My thoughts are all over the place.  I will take a break for the time being and read some poetry.  Not sure why that's my comfort, relaxing activity, but it is.  

I love you handsome man, always will. 

take care

So tired

 My eyelids are heavy and my heart is tired.  Thoughts swirl and my mind just goes.  I need a rest, I need laughter.  I need something funny to ease my mind.  A needed day off from work, but my mind betrays me.  I'm struggling, but do I share, do I say.  I'm trying to be helpful, but I'm just so tired and absolutely drained.  I expended a lot of energy this afternoon, I did enjoy myself, but there was a price.  I am so tired. I know I keep saying that.  I don't know what else to say.