art: remnants of my past

 I saw a play yesterday, it was really very well done.  It had cued up so many memories for me.  One of the main characters was dealing with stage IV cancer.  It showed his progression from diagnosis to death.  That was not the main point of the play, but it was a major role in the story.  So many memories, visions I can't get out of my head. It absolutely wrecked me yesterday.  Sleeping on the living couch as you slept in the chair, helping you in the middle of the night go to the bathroom.  An entire routine we came up with to get you in and out of the car when you no longer had strength to move your legs.  Watching you shiver in your bath chair as I bathed you in the tub.  Alcohol did not help, I know better than that.  I started talking down to myself, insulted my appearance.  I don't know why this his happening.  No more alcohol, I don't know why Dad turned to the numbing agent, but I must accept I am susceptible and take steps not to go down the path he traveled so many years ago.  

A theory I have.  I've been a care giver for as long as I can remember.  I would do it again in a heart beat I am by no means complaining.  Maybe just maybe I have the time to grieve myself, there is no focus on anyone else be it C or my Dad.  It's like I have this attention that has no place to be directed.  C is well on her way, she has launched beautifully.  Yes there are times she still needs me, but not like before.  I'm not a constant solo source for care for her.  It does not all lay on my shoulders as it did before, which is a good thing.  I feel like I helped provide the tools for her to handle her stuff.  My Dad is no longer here, three years ago today as a matter of fact.  My focus is on me.  I feel so fragile.  I feel like I can't find joy.  It hurts to smile.  I don't want to be around people I just want to hide in my house sitting in my chair as I look over to where you sat at one time.  Looking to my right and wishing you were still here, you feel so far away.  I wonder what you would look like now.  What influences you would have on your princess and what she would be like now if you were still alive.  I don't know why I do this to myself.  I think I'm done for the day, no more people.  I'm gonna hide out in my house, just me and the dogs.  I'm struggling, yesterday I was drowning gasping for air as I bobbed up and down in the water.  Today the waves are not thrashing me around, but I can't touch the bottom and I'm getting tired of paddling water.  

I am tired,  I will escape to fictional oblivion, tune all the thoughts out and distracted myself with fiction. 

take care,