Dear Mom

 Dear Mom 

What's it like these last 15 almost 16 years?  Gram was there to greet you, what does she look like now?   What about you?  How are things going with Dad?  Is it weird to see him after all this time.  Is time even a thing there?  I miss the fact that we can't laugh and joke about things, especially now.  There are so many moments I have with my daughter that I know you experienced or at least I think you did.  I remember you telling me I was so funny and I have those same thoughts with my daughter now.  I realize now, like at this very moment that you were a person too.  I know that sounds so dumb, but I had that realization when I wrote the second eulogy for Dad's funeral.  You had dreams, fears, excitement, disappointment, grief.  Thank you for being my Mom.  I know you loved me because now I'm a mother, I'm your daughter and saw how you loved me and learned from both you and Gram.  I wonder what you would think of your granddaughters.  Yes plural, one with your namesake.  I know what it's like to have your daughter go off to school now like you did so long ago.  Mine is so much younger than I was when I left home.  Mine is also so much closer to home than yours nearly 28 years ago now.  I was home longer with you, mine has spread her wings at a younger age.  Circumstances are different, but the launching is the same.  I know you felt alone after both of your kids left the same summer.  In your home there were two others to share meals, share words, and share space.  It was not a silent home, much quieter I'm sure.  

What are your thoughts?  I guess I'm still looking for your approval, wondering if I'm doing ok in your eyes.  How's R?  Did you greet him, you finally met his Mom I guess.  How'd that go?  I can't even imagine you and L in the same room together.  What about AS?  I know you met here, during times of celebration.  I don't know what else to say Mom, you've been gone so long, I still miss you, miss that cackle of yours and getting us both going and Gram would joke about how many eggs we would lay.  I have those type of inside jokes with C, memories I hope she will think back on with fondness some day.  

I know I do things differently than you did, I know you loved me the best you could and I hope you know I love you and still think about you all the time.  

take care,