Hug

 There is this pit in my stomach.  

I miss my Mom.  Twenty years ago today I spent the day with Gram, left for an hour to pick up my Mom and came home to find her gone.  I still remember running up those 16 stairs because I knew there was something wrong.  Five years later I would move away and shortly after that my Mom received her diagnosis.  She was gone within two years.  4 years after my Mom passed away you received your diagnosis and you were gone within a year.  I really am tired of being strong.  I really just want a hug, like every day. I want someone to want to hug me, I don't want to have to ask for it.  Maybe I'm just unhuggable.  Maybe people just see me as this strong woman, well, I'm fucking tired of being strong.  It's not like I have a choice, it's who I am.  What else am I supposed to do? 

This last week so many thoughts, monkey's wedding, make a wish, Lester.  I think back to the very beginning, when I shared this space.  That was a mistake.  It was used, with the best intentions for sure, but it wasn't you.  That wasn't fair, to either of us.  You made choices, your actions with this information, even the riddle of the ancient language wasn't truly you.  Those were actions for me I'm sure, but not fair, not sustainable.  

I guess you really don't care, not to be friends, too difficult for you, I understand, I always do.  Honestly I haven't felt important to you in these last few years no matter what sign was made.  There was always something else, a game, or it was a chore to drive, it was too difficult, the weather.  I shouldn't say always, just the last few years it felt like.  Last year you couldn't even be bothered to do anything without my prodding.  The game was so important.  I even learned about your game, asked questions, took an interest. There was no reciprocation, again unless I prodded.  I do see you were trying in the end I will give you that.  I suppose too little too late.  I didn't want to share with you anymore.  When you told me the thoughts of another that I was fake.  Did you deny, did you quickly say that's not my opinion?  No, you didn't.  That's not how you treat someone you cherish.  That is not love.  

You don't care to be friends, too painful to talk, ok I will respect that.  I do miss our friendship.  That I think we were good at, we were good for each other as friends.  Yes, I still care and I wonder what's going on, it's hard not to, it's who I am.  I'm not fake, it's legitimately who I am.  I care deeply for other people.  I care for people I've never met and for those important in my life you get 110% every time.  You even made the comment about how protective I was when you were hurt and wait staff expected you to hoble to the other side of the restaurant, I gave my two cents and made sure you were taken care of, the claws came out so to speak.   Maybe that's just something so unfathomable to you it appeared fake.  One of my best traits is my genuineness, my ability to be empathetic.  I don't feel those traits were appreciated or even noticed, just unbelievable I suppose.  I'm tired, so very tired.  

I'm ready to give up, but you fucking made me promise.  Well, I'm not looking. I don't know where the hell you are, or if you even are.  Damn your intellect, evidence based thinking, I miss all those things.  I miss laughing.  I want to respect your evidence based thinking, but I also want to picture my Mom and Gram and you laughing.  I'm having a hard to time with the whole laughing thing right now.  I loved making you laugh and hearing my Mom tell me "you're funny" as she just cackled.  I miss laughing at your silly  jokes.  I miss being cherished, being loved for who I am, a strong, loving, genuine person.  I need a hug, I want 50 hugs. I miss you. 

take care, 

Looking for ying

 It's been a rough few weeks.  Emotions are so overrated and I think at time unnecessary.  I stood my ground and I think it's done, it starts again and I'll be fine I'm sure, I always am.  I've been missing you alot lately.  The utter support, the knowing it would work out because we would figure it out, together.  The ying to my yang.  We were so balanced.  I do everything on my own now.  It really sucks.  The balance is hard, the silly and the serious.  

We lost the intimacy, the closeness, the sharing of everything.  Well, I did at least.  I didn't feel loved, I didn't feel important, a sign doesn't fucking cut it.  It has to be meant, always, not just when it's gone.  To threaten me to leave because fun was not had, I was dumbstruck.  That's not what partners do, not the kind that are 'til death do us part.  The absolute last straw was the deal breaker from the beginning.  No going back, you don't fuck with my kid, my decisions about my kid.  It may seem small, but you don't fuck with my kid.  I know what's best and if you agree or not doesn't come into it at all.  I always gave you that respect even though there were times I didn't agree.  I respected your role every single time.    

I'm in scary territory right now.  ER trip, doubt, coming up with a bag of tricks that are not always successful.  Navigating waters, looking for my ying.  So much on my mind, my plate is full.  My Dad, my daughter, I'm only one person.  Support was not there, help yes, alway helpful, but not what I needed.  You said you didn't know how, well I need someone that knows how.  I need someone during the fun and not fun of life.  Doesn't matter how long or how much time either of those are.  I need to let go,  I need to focus on what is here in front of me.  She needs me the most right now.  One minute I feel like she's on thin ice and others it's solid.  I'm really learning as I go here.  My mind is a jumble.  I am tired. 

take care, 

 

time

 You should be here!  She passed and she's so excited to learn and do well.  You should be here.  My mind swims with thoughts.  Reminiscing the past five years.  A deal breaker from the beginning, and so it is.  

I'm at a point I don't want to share her.  I want all the time to be with her, I don't want to miss a thing.  I do miss the companionship, the chats, the jokes, the comfort of familiarity.  I will not miss the lack of effort, not feeling special, not being fussed over I deserve those things.  I will not miss the forever and constant 180 turn of every emotional conversation.  Little by little topics were no longer comfortable.  There was no substance, that went away to, really that was always forced it seems or initiated by me and then only for so long because though we agreed on topics, emotions got too high and we couldn't even converse on something we agreed, but the other would get too upset.  

I still miss the conversations, the silly, the intellectual, the challenging discussions, the eloquence.  

A member of my club asked if he was coming to see me, because it was expected, no matter what you want to spend time.  That was not in the cards.  If there was any kind of inconvenience it just didn't happen.  We had different situations and I couldn't keep it balanced.  Helpful, not supportive.  

connection

 time to myself, so rare.   I'm not sure who is on the other end of this, use to be R, I feel the connection is gone.  I'm forgetting so many things.  I'll hear a phrase and that will bring back a memory.  I feel so guilty for not being just crushed on Monday.  You said something today that brought back a memory.  We also talked in the car about Easter at the hospital, actually coloring eggs at the hospital, she didn't remember.  She remembers being angry because of the walker and cane.  She didn't understand. She only saw "old" people at church with walkers and canes.  She understands now.  She doesn't remember much.  I know I've thought about this before being a blessing and a curse.  Not having the memories to mourn, and yet missing you on all kinds of special occasions.  I originally typed 'missing her ...' to refer to you as her Dad. That's what I mean, it's been seven years and you feel so far away.  I can't even remember how we use to do things together anymore, it's all just how I do things and slowly adding J.  

The special occasion of last week reminding her that you are not here.  I was pretty proud of myself.  I asked her if she wanted to wear something of yours, she said yes.  Quick on my feet, (if only my wit was that quick) I thought of your tractor pin we got from the "Moods of Norway" store so many years ago.  You had it on a hat I kept and that is what she wore on her special occasion dress.

  It really did help and she felt better about it, like you were there in a small way. Not to toot my own horn, but I've gotten really good at helping her through the hard moments.  The worst when I didn't know how best to help her where the early days when she just wailed, I just let her. 

It's such an enigma, I don't want to be paralyzed, consumed by the hollow, yet when I'm not I feel incredibly guilty.  Like the pain of you being gone is what is keeping me connected to you.  How sad that it's the pain that seems to keep the connection real.  I do smile more often then cry when a memory comes to my mind.  This morning was a bit of an exception, we were talking about plants and how you can bring them back to life, one of your many talents, jack of all trades.  I said something along the lines of ... 'I don't know how you do it, but you're so good at it' your response was something like you didn't know either but you brought them back with hope. That took me back to a conversation in the back of an ambulance, the only transport from your room to the radiation therapy across the street.  There was an attendant with us and heard your diagnosis and talked about his wife having cancer, but she came back from a stage four diagnosis and survived.  He was a little younger than we were.  That gave me hope, something to hang on to.  You on the other hand did not buy it.  I was being a "Pollyanna" in your view, always hoping the good will prevail, hoping our team would win, even in the last minutes of the game I was hopeful for the miracle throw.  There was no miracle, at one point I felt I took a knee and prevented the last chance of a hail mary.  Damn decisions. 

I've moved forward, sometimes it was three steps forward and two steps back, there were days it felt like five steps back.  Our inside jokes are now just my inside jokes and I'm happy to report there are more inside jokes brewing and coming to the surface.  I hope that doesn't bother you, well nothing can really bother you because you're dead.  The olive juice is gone, the come home safe no more, and the jokes of the racoon are only mentioned by your princess, which she would no longer appreciate being called by the way.  Now there is omak, text me when you're home, Lester, and the tales of the bat.  We played something similar to taboo the other day and we were quite the team.  Seven years is a long time, that was the age of your princess before the walker.  

take care, 

trying to take it back

 I'm on the brink, it's fucking April.  I vowed this year I would not let it consume me.  I started the month off by anonymously paying for a breakfast I didn't eat.  I vowed to do something along those lines each day this month, to take back April.  I was on my way to not letting the hollow take over.  Then the damn medical stuff again.  I'm being asked those questions again.  I'm being forced to choose between my best girl and my dad.  I can't be everywhere.  I did the best I could.  I'm the official decider if he can't decide, if he can't communicate.  My shoulders are so tense, for fucking real.  I'm barely keeping shit together in front of her.  Trying to keep the balance.  Assure the dignity, yet I'm the decider.  They asked the question, same question from three weeks ago.  This time you turned and looked at me with a "what do you think?" 

Am I ready to to have that stamp on the record? DNR.  It still haunts me from six years ago and he was 35 years younger than the recipient of the question today. 

My mind is going to dark places, I'm so tired, it never helps when I'm tired, and my head hurts.  Instead I will tell you that my best girl told a very funny joke today.  She captured our attention and got a jovial laugh.  The kind of laugh in that picture on our table in the living room.  There we were sitting in the hospital room visiting and trying to bring cheer and she told a joke.  I think it was her first joke that was funny all on its own.  It wasn't funny because a little kid was telling a joke that only made sense to the kid, it was funny because her delivery and timing were just spot on.  I'd say that was her first successful joke punchline and all.  

I miss my Mom. 

take care, 

20

 Twenty years

I have no energy

I am so tired

I miss you so, you feel so far away.  I'm forgetting, I feel so bad for forgetting stuff.  

Surpass

 I was putting up your Princess' freshman year photo and I realized she'll graduate from high school and that same year will mark 10 years of you passing away.  The only wish I heard you make, the only plea I heard shortly after your diagnosis was to be able to see her graduate from high school.  She has begun her high school career and we are approaching the time when the number of years you have been dead will surpass the number of years you were alive during her lifetime. That just tears me up inside.  It's a blessing and a curse because she has memories of you, I think she remembers mostly the stories we tell.  It doesn't seem to be painful for her, which I'm grateful yet it crushes me.  It makes no sense.  I wonder how life would be different if it were you and her. Please know I'm doing my best, your princess is truly amazing.  I love you, even still. 

take care