Gone
All gone.
Why did you have to leave too? Things were coming together for me and for her.
Why
Why
I just don't understand. The opinion I always sought out, the one I trusted, the one I aspired to. There are times I just can't believe it is real, still in shock I suppose. It's a different kind of hollow.
I don't make friends easy. We connected on such a level, we had such similar ideas from politics, religion, to how to keep our daughters safe, how to raise them. I miss you. You were the constant. During the darkest times of my life you were the encouragement, the smile, the help I needed but could never ask for.
Life is not fair.
I'm scared. In an instant, gone. What if ... I'm scared. So much loss, I'm scared. All this loss, I'm afraid to get close again, I overcame that fear, at that time it wasn't a fear of losing the closeness, it was a fear of being close again. A fear of having someone be important to me again, a fear of living life and having happiness. I overcame that fear, I chose to live a life, not to merely exist, I chose to share life, share in happiness. A new fear has taken over. A fear of getting close to someone, I'm afraid it can go away in an instant. I don't make friends easy, I know I've said that already. Now I'm afraid to make friends because in an instant gone. I don't want any more hollow.
Sitting here as I contemplate, as I reflect, I realize I have been wanting to spend more time with you, part of me does not understand and just now I believe I figured out it's because I'm scared of losing you in an instant. When you traveled a distance to be with family at an event I was worried. When I didn't hear from you, when there was no response my mind gave into the fear and thought of car accidents, you being gone scared me. Over the last five weeks I've been quite needy and wanting to be with you all the time, the fear constricting my throat. I don't feel strong anymore, is that bad? it's like when I was merely existing I was strong and didn't lean on anyone, well I didn't ask for help. Now that I have you I feel like I lean on you too much, I'm afraid I'll drive you away. I'm sure this is not what you signed up for. Too polite to say. I don't know if I'm worth it. I feel selfish at times, especially these last five weeks.
I am so tired.
I love you handsome man.
I'm sorry my dear.
The hollow is too difficult for words.
take care,
Monday, May 27, 2019
Tuesday, May 21, 2019
profound
Philippinas 1:3
I give thanks to my God at every remembrance of you,
I think I'm finally coming back, it's ok if I do. I have you to thank for that my dear.
I found something today, your words, most personal thoughts, your hopes, your words written in your hand, touchingly honest because as you lived it was not writing you shared with the world to see or something you shared with me. I found an old journal you kept spanning a few years. The dates haunt me.
September 9, 2009 you quoted me I've never thought of myself as quote worthy.
"Kate also said something the other day that I found true, touching, and profound:
'I read not just to enjoy, but to engage with the world'
Oh what a woman!"
I even got an exclamation. These pages I've read today reminded me how much you loved me and our daughter. I know it was your private journal, but I do not feel one bit guilty for reading it. Sometimes I'm afraid I will forget, I should say I'm still afraid I'll forget. It was nice to read your thoughts and remember. I had completely forgotten we chose books for each other to read. I still remember suggesting Dawkins, oh boy did I open a can of worms or what.
One more excerpt from an entry I will share
26 April 2010
When we die, I think we truly wish our loved ones to not grieve too much, nor for too long, but to cherish what is best in their memories.
Five years later you died, and fours years after that I have just found these words, your words. Profound indeed.
I miss you handsome man even still.
take care
I give thanks to my God at every remembrance of you,
I think I'm finally coming back, it's ok if I do. I have you to thank for that my dear.
I found something today, your words, most personal thoughts, your hopes, your words written in your hand, touchingly honest because as you lived it was not writing you shared with the world to see or something you shared with me. I found an old journal you kept spanning a few years. The dates haunt me.
September 9, 2009 you quoted me I've never thought of myself as quote worthy.
"Kate also said something the other day that I found true, touching, and profound:
'I read not just to enjoy, but to engage with the world'
Oh what a woman!"
I even got an exclamation. These pages I've read today reminded me how much you loved me and our daughter. I know it was your private journal, but I do not feel one bit guilty for reading it. Sometimes I'm afraid I will forget, I should say I'm still afraid I'll forget. It was nice to read your thoughts and remember. I had completely forgotten we chose books for each other to read. I still remember suggesting Dawkins, oh boy did I open a can of worms or what.
One more excerpt from an entry I will share
26 April 2010
When we die, I think we truly wish our loved ones to not grieve too much, nor for too long, but to cherish what is best in their memories.
Five years later you died, and fours years after that I have just found these words, your words. Profound indeed.
I miss you handsome man even still.
take care
Wednesday, April 3, 2019
4
The piano, the deck, in all fairness these we spoke about and wanted to replace. The piano especially, you so wanted to surprise me as I found out later, we just couldn't swing it, and that being such a large expense hard to do on your own.
Windows
Blue 42
WiFi
coffee maker
Athena & Apollo
Kalypso
area rug
Little by little our home changes and the things that were here when you were here are not. New things have come and you'll never see or experience them. Things to not get input or your opinion.
Four years, I can't believe it's been nearly four years. It seems too far away, a lifetime; it still hurts like yesterday. Really it was bad today. There are good days, more and more the good days are out numbering the bad. I'm not sure how I feel about that, it's almost like a guilt feeling. How dare I find happiness and love when there is still a hole in my heart and soul that will never go away. The hole is not consuming as it was, it's not swallowing me alive anymore.
There was a memory that sparked last night. It made my legs collapse and not hold me up, I crumpled to the floor. I just finished a shower and I remembered the decisions, the look on Dr. L's face when he came back from vacation and learned you were on hospice. I didn't have the results, I didn't have the results, why the fuck didn't I have the results. I should have waited, I should have fucking waited. Then there was Dr. N who spoiled our Thanksgiving, our last Thanksgiving. We had to celebrate on Wednesday because of my work, that's when she decided it was time to discuss and think about what if things didn't go the way we wanted. DNR
I wanted to to keep going with the full dose, not to back off. It was working, it was fucking working. The body can only take so much she said. He was young. But no, she advised to back down and go to a maintenance plan. I wanted to keep going and keep hitting the cancer hard keep it shrinking. No, that was the last of everything. Last Thanksgiving, our last anniversary, last Christmas, your last birthday, her last birthday, last Spring together as a family. No mother's day. No father's day. Not there for our picture in the directory. I improvised and it was beautiful.
K: "Will this be his last Christmas?"
M: "I hope not."
Diagnosis on Mother's Day one year and gone before the next Mother's Day.
You spoiled me so. I'm forgetting the little things. The "come home safe" every time I left the house. The magnificent meals you created. You made me feel so beautiful, I started to believe you when you said I was the most beautiful woman in the room; you said it so often. "I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you go." The way we danced in such harmony, in sync with each other on every level.
Am I doing things right?
She is so different now, growing up. She so reminds me of you. Sense of direction, quick wit, humor. Her love of reading and writing.
Four years, how can it be four fucking years?! The amount of time it takes to start and graduate from high school. That was a goal you had, to see her graduate from high school. You said you'd be happy if you could at least have that, you pleaded. Then when we went to your last chemo, your last treatment that fucking spring, you asked me "Am I going to come home?" and what did I say "I hope so." What a terrible thing to say. Oh yeah, now I'm remembering that visit. It wasn't for chemo, it was for a checkup, you were in so much pain. They kept upping and upping your pain meds. There was a fill in doctor because Dr. N was gone on vacation and Dr. L hadn't seen you yet. This other doctor said it was up to you, go home on more pain meds or be admitted to get pain under control. You wanted to come home, you were in so much pain. I talked you into going to the hospital to get the pain under control. Using IV medication would help the pain better, get it under control then go home on oral medication. You wanted to come home. I talked you out of it, you never came home again until I held you in my arms in a fucking plastic box. That's how you came home. AS drove us home before we went to the luncheon. I couldn't leave you there. That was an option to come back later and pick up the ashes. I couldn't do that, I couldn't leave YOU there. I had to bring you home. I couldn't drive though, that's why AS drove and took us home.
Why am I doing this? I am so tired. I feeling like giving up. My heart is pounding, my nose is stuffed, my head hurts, my soul aches.
take care
Windows
Blue 42
WiFi
coffee maker
Athena & Apollo
Kalypso
area rug
Little by little our home changes and the things that were here when you were here are not. New things have come and you'll never see or experience them. Things to not get input or your opinion.
Four years, I can't believe it's been nearly four years. It seems too far away, a lifetime; it still hurts like yesterday. Really it was bad today. There are good days, more and more the good days are out numbering the bad. I'm not sure how I feel about that, it's almost like a guilt feeling. How dare I find happiness and love when there is still a hole in my heart and soul that will never go away. The hole is not consuming as it was, it's not swallowing me alive anymore.
There was a memory that sparked last night. It made my legs collapse and not hold me up, I crumpled to the floor. I just finished a shower and I remembered the decisions, the look on Dr. L's face when he came back from vacation and learned you were on hospice. I didn't have the results, I didn't have the results, why the fuck didn't I have the results. I should have waited, I should have fucking waited. Then there was Dr. N who spoiled our Thanksgiving, our last Thanksgiving. We had to celebrate on Wednesday because of my work, that's when she decided it was time to discuss and think about what if things didn't go the way we wanted. DNR
I wanted to to keep going with the full dose, not to back off. It was working, it was fucking working. The body can only take so much she said. He was young. But no, she advised to back down and go to a maintenance plan. I wanted to keep going and keep hitting the cancer hard keep it shrinking. No, that was the last of everything. Last Thanksgiving, our last anniversary, last Christmas, your last birthday, her last birthday, last Spring together as a family. No mother's day. No father's day. Not there for our picture in the directory. I improvised and it was beautiful.
K: "Will this be his last Christmas?"
M: "I hope not."
Diagnosis on Mother's Day one year and gone before the next Mother's Day.
You spoiled me so. I'm forgetting the little things. The "come home safe" every time I left the house. The magnificent meals you created. You made me feel so beautiful, I started to believe you when you said I was the most beautiful woman in the room; you said it so often. "I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you go." The way we danced in such harmony, in sync with each other on every level.
Am I doing things right?
She is so different now, growing up. She so reminds me of you. Sense of direction, quick wit, humor. Her love of reading and writing.
Four years, how can it be four fucking years?! The amount of time it takes to start and graduate from high school. That was a goal you had, to see her graduate from high school. You said you'd be happy if you could at least have that, you pleaded. Then when we went to your last chemo, your last treatment that fucking spring, you asked me "Am I going to come home?" and what did I say "I hope so." What a terrible thing to say. Oh yeah, now I'm remembering that visit. It wasn't for chemo, it was for a checkup, you were in so much pain. They kept upping and upping your pain meds. There was a fill in doctor because Dr. N was gone on vacation and Dr. L hadn't seen you yet. This other doctor said it was up to you, go home on more pain meds or be admitted to get pain under control. You wanted to come home, you were in so much pain. I talked you into going to the hospital to get the pain under control. Using IV medication would help the pain better, get it under control then go home on oral medication. You wanted to come home. I talked you out of it, you never came home again until I held you in my arms in a fucking plastic box. That's how you came home. AS drove us home before we went to the luncheon. I couldn't leave you there. That was an option to come back later and pick up the ashes. I couldn't do that, I couldn't leave YOU there. I had to bring you home. I couldn't drive though, that's why AS drove and took us home.
Why am I doing this? I am so tired. I feeling like giving up. My heart is pounding, my nose is stuffed, my head hurts, my soul aches.
take care
Sunday, March 17, 2019
nothing
I'm flailing, suffocating, drowning. I'm merely existing. No thoughts, just hollow. I will sleep, maybe at least close my eyes.
Empty
Hollow
Alone
non-fulfilling
I need to re-charge, I don't know how, when.
No motivation
Eyes are heavy.
Heart is heavy.
Why has this returned?
No energy.
Sleep.
take care
Empty
Hollow
Alone
non-fulfilling
I need to re-charge, I don't know how, when.
No motivation
Eyes are heavy.
Heart is heavy.
Why has this returned?
No energy.
Sleep.
take care
Tuesday, February 26, 2019
almost
The hollow is growing and I'm being consumed. It's been such a long time since it's been this bad. I'm drowning, I can't breath, I don't have the energy to come up for air.
I was almost there, a smile before a tear.
take care
I was almost there, a smile before a tear.
take care
It's returned
The hollow has slowly crept it's way back. It's been a tough day my dear. Started with the death of my potato soup friend. My heart aches, my heart remembers, I feel the hollow resurfacing.
It was not easy with your princess tonight. In the end it was ok, apologies, tears, and hugs. Though the outcome was good in the end it truly drained me, I have no energy.
I'm being swallowed.
I love you my dear, I'm glad to hear your voice.
take care.
It was not easy with your princess tonight. In the end it was ok, apologies, tears, and hugs. Though the outcome was good in the end it truly drained me, I have no energy.
I'm being swallowed.
I love you my dear, I'm glad to hear your voice.
take care.
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
Potato Soup
Potato soup, the wish of a man who's days are limited on this planet. Tonight he asked for potato soup, it was not possible. Brings back so many memories. Looking for that doughnut shop you craved your last days on this earth, I should say last days you were vibrant enough to crave, to communicate. You didn't know the name of the place, just a vague location, on the way to school, near Little Canada. By golly I found it!! I searched the internet and used google earth and found it. I would have gone to the end of the earth to fulfill any desire you had while you lay in that hospital bed those last weeks of your life.
Even the smallest part I play in this journey for my potato soup friend brings back so many memories. Completely different story, every story is unique really. Remembering how hard it was to watch you suffer and there was absolutely nothing I could do to help, to ease the pain. Another request you made was for me to read to you. I read short stories as we waited for your day long procedure to determine the extent of disease. Then when it got so bad I read Catullus and other ancient poets with the help of Super K 2000 miles away, for that I will be eternally grateful.
I sent nightly good night videos and good morning videos of your princess wishing you a good day. It was so painful that I couldn't be with you all the time, I couldn't sleep in the same room. The one night I did spend in the chair next to your bed was just too difficult for your princess. I had to choose her well being over my own. This is hard to watch all over again, not the same intensity, but the memories do flood back along with the tears.
I miss you handsome man. I really need my dear and can't wait until tomorrow.
take care
Even the smallest part I play in this journey for my potato soup friend brings back so many memories. Completely different story, every story is unique really. Remembering how hard it was to watch you suffer and there was absolutely nothing I could do to help, to ease the pain. Another request you made was for me to read to you. I read short stories as we waited for your day long procedure to determine the extent of disease. Then when it got so bad I read Catullus and other ancient poets with the help of Super K 2000 miles away, for that I will be eternally grateful.
I sent nightly good night videos and good morning videos of your princess wishing you a good day. It was so painful that I couldn't be with you all the time, I couldn't sleep in the same room. The one night I did spend in the chair next to your bed was just too difficult for your princess. I had to choose her well being over my own. This is hard to watch all over again, not the same intensity, but the memories do flood back along with the tears.
I miss you handsome man. I really need my dear and can't wait until tomorrow.
take care
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)