Five years ago everything was coming together. I planned a surprise birthday party for you, I started planning a year ahead of time. People came from Des Moines, Chicago, and all over the twin cities. We had the surprise in the morning so we could spend the day with our friends. It was just perfect! My dear mentioned having a live funeral or something along those lines, why wait to celebrate a life once the individual is dead. Come together in life and create memories when we are all alive to enjoy them. I guess I did that without even knowing. I had no idea your next birthday would be your last. Your 40th was glorious, 41 was a happy birthday, with pain in your body. I'm sure we would have had a party for your 45th, probably not a surprise, but a party none the less. I still find it funny we played chess on your birthday, New Year's Eve.
I can still hear you in the book store, "Where's Kate?" once you knew something was going on. We were all waiting for you in the kid's section, except for the one who couldn't wait any more and "bumped" into you in the store. I pulled it off, it was so joyous, it was perfect. We had coffee after, then went to lunch at Stella's. That evening we came back together, told stories about you, I even shared about our fancy crab dinner without proper crab crackers. It was wonderful to share that night with friends we made during our life together. Friends we made before we got married, from out of state, & friends we made living here.
You made up that pledge every year as well. Again making me say it, I guess you had a thing for that. I miss you.
Sometimes I wonder if you approve of choices I've made, decisions I followed through on. Then I remember you're dead and there is no approval or opinion. Trust me I've never forgotten you're dead, there is always a constant reminder, but what comes to me is that you do not have an opinion because you are no longer. It always bothers me when people ask, what would you say or think in a certain situation, I don't fucking know because you are dead. There are no more thoughts, no more ideas, no more intellect, no more anything. There is her, she reminds me of you a great deal. Her humor, sense of direction, and love of reading.
I watched a few videos of you two, she was so young. She is growing up, coming up with her own ideas, thoughts, opinions, passions, all of this she is doing without you, without your influence, without your guidance, without her dad.
I'm doing the best I can. I'm raising her alone, no input, no second opinions, just me. She and I are extremely close and we know each other better than anyone else. I still silently sob in the shower sometimes, there because she can not see. She knows when I struggle, but I won't let her see me fall apart, I have to be there for her, be the rock she needs, maybe rock is not the best description. I need to be the pillow that absorbs her screams, the bag she can squeeze so hard the emptiness is forced out, the receiver of her angry words, the wearer of the hat so she feels safe to let out all of her rage. I am the person with the ideas how to remember you, how to distract from you, how to live this life without you, how to keep going, keep learning, keep living.
Tomorrow will come, we will honor you, remember you, live. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but the sun will set and the day will be done. I'm glad the holidays are over, I survived them again, my fourth year. I hope there is a year when the holiday season will be celebrated and not merely survived. For now I'll have to celebrate I survived and take that as a win. I miss you handsome man and this still really hurts.
take care
Sunday, December 30, 2018
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
Is there?
I still believe there is a God, I still believe God created the Big Bang thus creating the universe. As far as day to day. I can’t fathom an all loving God allowing so much pain and violence in the universe created. I believe it was created with beauty and love at it’s core. The all loving God is there to help us get through the pain of life and help us celebrate the joy and the little miracles that bring people together. I guess Life is still Pain with beauty, strength, and love to get us through the day to day and guide us to joy.
Sunday, December 16, 2018
Chapter two
I've heard it called a few different things. Second love, chapter 2, and a few others that escape my tired brain tonight. Chapter two does not erase this. Maybe I thought it would, maybe I feel guilty because it didn't and I also feel guilty because there is a chapter 2 for me, and you are no longer. You made me promise, a promise I reluctantly muttered out loud, you made me say it. How can this be? So much happiness and love, yet some much emptiness, especially when we are apart. Especially when I am on my own, not working, not focusing on your princess.
You know that nickname would no longer fly. Well, it doesn't fly in her life now without her father, without her dad. Who knows, maybe if you were still alive and in her life she would still be princess. It's hard for me to imagine a world with you here, it's too painful, I'm too practical. It's kinda like when you would want to look at houses and we were no where near ready to move. We would look at homes on the market and we vaguely talked about moving. I would find the perfect house, imagine our furniture in the house, even picture where all the book shelves would go, then be crest fallen realizing it wouldn't happen because realistically we would move MAYBE the next year. Also when power ball got huge, like on the news huge, we would day dream what we would if it happened to us. When the numbers came out and our streak continued of getting not one single number, I was actually disappointed. I guess for that reason I can't think of 2016, 2017, 2018 and beyond with you alive. My brain just can't do it because it is absolutely impossible. I was there sitting in a chair when you took that last audible breath. When we all waited, holding our own breath to see if air would enter your lungs for just another moment of life on this planet. It didn't. I relive that moment, from time to time. There are so many moments that dance in my head, words said. Of late it's all moments of your last months & weeks in this life. The hospital, having to leave work because the news was so bad I just couldn't be there and I couldn't come home. Asking M if this was your last Christmas, her response burned into my brain, "I hope not"
It was.
My Mom's last Christmas she was suppose to be here. She was too sick to travel and never spent a Christmas with her granddaughter. There is not even a memory for her, nothing. Stories, words, maybe a few pictures. Like you three months after Christmas she was gone. Watching her fretful sleep, not really sleep, a state of being, existence. We watched for signs of pain, her grimacing face, a cue that she needed more pain medication. That first night I spent in the hospital, it was just my Mom and me. Her organs shutting down. She was so warm, perspiring. I applied cold compresses to her forehead, feeding my need to help her in some way, to give her comfort.
Five years later I would have that need again, this time I had more roles as care giver, to you and to your princess. From medication, to bathing, to getting you in and out of the car, the chair, to helping you relieve yourself. We came up with a system for everything. We were such a good team, in sync, predicted the other moves so well. Boy could we dance, always in the same rhythm.
It was when we danced that night in 1998 I knew you were the one. I knew I couldn't let you go, I had to choose the path that included you. No matter how difficult, I had to take the risk and I did.
And here I am, on a new path. It's difficult and complicated. This new path, this chapter 2 is good, worth the risk, worth the work, yet I still feel alone, empty at times. It seems to be when I'm by myself, no distractions, no work filing my mind so as to not allow other thoughts to enter. The void returns when my second love is not here. What happened to my strength? My ability to exist in this life and at least fake it, yes it hurt to smile, but I was able to do it. Theses last few days I couldn't even do that. I was consumed, my confidence, my ability to make simple decisions, just gone. I even had a slight anxiety episode where I needed to focus on breathing and find a visual point to focus on while at church. I couldn't breath because the void in my chest was spreading to my throat, I felt so alone sitting in that pew. I thought this horrid void was gone, chapter two doesn't take it away. I hope others realize that, I don't know how I expect others to understand when it doesn't make sense to me.
I must remind myself again, the sun has set and it will rise again tomorrow.
I miss you handsome man.
I long to hold your hand my dear
take care.
You know that nickname would no longer fly. Well, it doesn't fly in her life now without her father, without her dad. Who knows, maybe if you were still alive and in her life she would still be princess. It's hard for me to imagine a world with you here, it's too painful, I'm too practical. It's kinda like when you would want to look at houses and we were no where near ready to move. We would look at homes on the market and we vaguely talked about moving. I would find the perfect house, imagine our furniture in the house, even picture where all the book shelves would go, then be crest fallen realizing it wouldn't happen because realistically we would move MAYBE the next year. Also when power ball got huge, like on the news huge, we would day dream what we would if it happened to us. When the numbers came out and our streak continued of getting not one single number, I was actually disappointed. I guess for that reason I can't think of 2016, 2017, 2018 and beyond with you alive. My brain just can't do it because it is absolutely impossible. I was there sitting in a chair when you took that last audible breath. When we all waited, holding our own breath to see if air would enter your lungs for just another moment of life on this planet. It didn't. I relive that moment, from time to time. There are so many moments that dance in my head, words said. Of late it's all moments of your last months & weeks in this life. The hospital, having to leave work because the news was so bad I just couldn't be there and I couldn't come home. Asking M if this was your last Christmas, her response burned into my brain, "I hope not"
It was.
My Mom's last Christmas she was suppose to be here. She was too sick to travel and never spent a Christmas with her granddaughter. There is not even a memory for her, nothing. Stories, words, maybe a few pictures. Like you three months after Christmas she was gone. Watching her fretful sleep, not really sleep, a state of being, existence. We watched for signs of pain, her grimacing face, a cue that she needed more pain medication. That first night I spent in the hospital, it was just my Mom and me. Her organs shutting down. She was so warm, perspiring. I applied cold compresses to her forehead, feeding my need to help her in some way, to give her comfort.
Five years later I would have that need again, this time I had more roles as care giver, to you and to your princess. From medication, to bathing, to getting you in and out of the car, the chair, to helping you relieve yourself. We came up with a system for everything. We were such a good team, in sync, predicted the other moves so well. Boy could we dance, always in the same rhythm.
It was when we danced that night in 1998 I knew you were the one. I knew I couldn't let you go, I had to choose the path that included you. No matter how difficult, I had to take the risk and I did.
And here I am, on a new path. It's difficult and complicated. This new path, this chapter 2 is good, worth the risk, worth the work, yet I still feel alone, empty at times. It seems to be when I'm by myself, no distractions, no work filing my mind so as to not allow other thoughts to enter. The void returns when my second love is not here. What happened to my strength? My ability to exist in this life and at least fake it, yes it hurt to smile, but I was able to do it. Theses last few days I couldn't even do that. I was consumed, my confidence, my ability to make simple decisions, just gone. I even had a slight anxiety episode where I needed to focus on breathing and find a visual point to focus on while at church. I couldn't breath because the void in my chest was spreading to my throat, I felt so alone sitting in that pew. I thought this horrid void was gone, chapter two doesn't take it away. I hope others realize that, I don't know how I expect others to understand when it doesn't make sense to me.
I must remind myself again, the sun has set and it will rise again tomorrow.
I miss you handsome man.
I long to hold your hand my dear
take care.
Wednesday, December 12, 2018
in between
I feel broken, drained, tired, no energy. It hurts to smile, I have no energy to even fake it. Empty. I am so torn. The new in my life, I try to focus on that, the good. Today was so difficult. I was swallowed by the void, there was nothing I could do. Escape. I am so exhausted, tired of an existence yet yearn for the new to grow and blossom. This is my life.
Solitude
Days off in solitude are still difficult, this time of year does not help. Usually I have many errands to complete, places to visit, tasks to accomplish. Today I do not, today I'm on my own, well I guess I'm never truly on my own, you're always with me one way or another, my thoughts, my smiles, my tears.
This morning I went to mass, I got there a bit early and the chapel was full of senior citizens, they were praying the rosary. Something I learned and long forgotten, sorry Sister Mary Potter. It me thinking, some day I will be one of those senior citizens, well at least I hope I will I've learned in this life the future is not a given. I digress, some day if I have the fortune to be on this earth in my eighties and those around me going to a daily mass, we may not know the prayers of the rosary, well at least with out the aid of a prayer book. What is our world shaping into? This is a true question, not meant to be pessimistic by any means, just an honest curiosity of the unknown future I may or may not share in.
I will retire to my day of solitude and complete my chores of laundry and continue to contemplate the future.
take care
love you my handsome man and my dear
This morning I went to mass, I got there a bit early and the chapel was full of senior citizens, they were praying the rosary. Something I learned and long forgotten, sorry Sister Mary Potter. It me thinking, some day I will be one of those senior citizens, well at least I hope I will I've learned in this life the future is not a given. I digress, some day if I have the fortune to be on this earth in my eighties and those around me going to a daily mass, we may not know the prayers of the rosary, well at least with out the aid of a prayer book. What is our world shaping into? This is a true question, not meant to be pessimistic by any means, just an honest curiosity of the unknown future I may or may not share in.
I will retire to my day of solitude and complete my chores of laundry and continue to contemplate the future.
take care
love you my handsome man and my dear
Sunday, September 30, 2018
"The Orchestra Plays On"
2 more pictures on the wall & 1 put away. Maybe that’s 2 steps forward.
Found an old journal I tried to start with only 1 entry, 12/9/14. A promise to write everyday, a promise I couldn’t keep.
A poem of sorts I wrote in my youth, a journal from that time. I’ve let it all go.
January 12, 1999
The Orchestra Plays On
He is the beginning, he is the end
And all the beauty in between
With the curl of each hair on his head
begins the wonderful being I pledge my love.
His eyebrows gently introduce his eyes,
the portal to his soul.
His star so intense with love & compassion,
I can't help but feel the calming whisper of his embrace.
It's almost as if his eyes peek right through me, to the innermost core of my soul.
A soul he absolutely illuminates with those portals of shining brown.
I can can picture his lips highlighted with tin prickles, the gentlest prickles I've ever caressed.
These lips are the source of a myriad marvels.
His thoughts become materialized with chose words animated with those prickled lined lips
and his brown portals expressing his beautiful soul.
A soul so magnificent, its source is within his strong, giving heart.
A heart that rhythmically beats and joins my own to create the greatest orchestra,
conducted by our enjoined soul.
An orchestra that I am privileged to hear the rest of my life.
A lifetime where we shall walk, side by side, hand in hand,
laced with each others fingers, grasping the other.
His hands are so strong, strong enough to carry & gentle enough to provide.
The lines of his palm tell our story of which we have not yet lived.
The characters and narrator will be revealed each day as we take each breath & share our lives.
We will live these lined stories of his hands & pass them on to our children as we sit at the kitchen table
laughing
I'll still watch those prickled lined lips.
We'll talk, walk
We'll run
We'll stand in each other's presence and just stare, completely at peace, completely happy.
As I sit here tonight peering out the plastic window & only darkness surrounds
I see in the distance a great illumination expressed with the gleam of brown portals
I hear a beautiful melody
and feel the prickled lined lips
I can almost taste him
his strong hands on my back
his arms embracing me
our soul being nourished
And the orchestra plays on.
-KJB
The title of this poem from my youth is striking because I've shared the beauty of the orchestra
with you a few times now. Through all the pain the beauty of the orchestra continues to make such wonderful music,
to evoke a wild array of emotions. Seeing these items of my past bring up memories and some pain,
however the memories we've made are starting to help the old memories not be so painful;
if that makes any sense at all.
take care,
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
I shouldn't have
I shouldn't have done it, but I did. It's like looking at an automobile accident, there is no good to come out of it, in my case it brings me backwards. Being tired does not help. I took a shower, didn't do much for me tonight, so much for self care.
I have so much to be happy about, so much to look forward, hell just living in the now is wonderful. I look forward to texts, to conversations, to touch. It's more than not being alone, it's being with you. Why then, why am I in this void, why is the hollow starting to grow and consume me. I shouldn't have done it. It's a reminder, how dare I come so far, to find happiness, to find love twice in a lifetime, how can that be even possible, how dare I. It's really not fair, some people never find love in a single lifetime, what makes me so special. I truly feel guilty. I know it sounds silly and dumb, being tired does not help. I should really go to sleep. I sit here with new and old pictures mingling, I've even taken some down because I was ready, I sit here as the salted tears roll down my face escaping my eyes, ojos del mar.
I've forgotten how good you were with words, how those words made me feel so good, gave me confidence. I've forgotten how good it feels to hear those words and actually believe you. I miss that, if that's vain, then I admit it, I really miss that.
Why did I step into the waves? You pulled me out and brought me to shore, to safety. It's one thing when the waves come to you and hit you and drown you, it's completely something else to walk into the waves. I don't know why I did it. I'm sorry. The empty is swallowing me tonight, the void is consuming me, I don't even know why. I'm tired, I will lay and close my eyes and hope tomorrow will be be better.
take care,
I have so much to be happy about, so much to look forward, hell just living in the now is wonderful. I look forward to texts, to conversations, to touch. It's more than not being alone, it's being with you. Why then, why am I in this void, why is the hollow starting to grow and consume me. I shouldn't have done it. It's a reminder, how dare I come so far, to find happiness, to find love twice in a lifetime, how can that be even possible, how dare I. It's really not fair, some people never find love in a single lifetime, what makes me so special. I truly feel guilty. I know it sounds silly and dumb, being tired does not help. I should really go to sleep. I sit here with new and old pictures mingling, I've even taken some down because I was ready, I sit here as the salted tears roll down my face escaping my eyes, ojos del mar.
I've forgotten how good you were with words, how those words made me feel so good, gave me confidence. I've forgotten how good it feels to hear those words and actually believe you. I miss that, if that's vain, then I admit it, I really miss that.
Why did I step into the waves? You pulled me out and brought me to shore, to safety. It's one thing when the waves come to you and hit you and drown you, it's completely something else to walk into the waves. I don't know why I did it. I'm sorry. The empty is swallowing me tonight, the void is consuming me, I don't even know why. I'm tired, I will lay and close my eyes and hope tomorrow will be be better.
take care,
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