eggplant

Merry Christmas Love,
I'm making your favorite.  I did not make it last year, I just couldn't.  I volunteered to to make it this year, but really wasn't feeling it, still not.  I miss you so much.  This year will be the first Christmas I haven't had lasagna for Christmas dinner ever.  My entire childhood and all those Christmas dinners with you, you adopted my family tradition.  As a married couple we did not do squid and linguini on Christmas Eve, but we started our own.  Your fish stew you made and my eggplant parmesan.  You said that was your favorite dish, my eggplant parmesan.

Let me tell you a story about your favorite dish.  So tonight after we get home from festivities at a family gathering I began the task of making this famous dish.  I'm frying the breaded eggplant and layering the finished product with sauce and cheese.  I didn't realize smoke was starting to form even though I'm using the fan over the stove.  The smoke alarm goes off screeching 'FIRE EVACUATE' the dogs start to howl I'm frantically opening windows, opening the sliding glass door, turning on ceiling fans, and climbing the step stool to try & disengage the smoke detector.  One other detail, the alarm serenade began at 12:10am.  All I have to say is this eggplant better be good.

I really miss you.  I love you handsome man.

take care

still

I'm falling, slipping, inside out, the hollow is enveloping me.  I just want seclusion, I don't want to do the daily tasks of life, I don't want to be around people, I don't want to be around.  I'm desperately trying not to be selfish, not to just wallow in my own thoughts.  I'm trying to make you proud.  I am so self conscious, feel like I'm being judged by every word or action I complete.  I feel so overwhelmed.  I'm trying to keep things cheerful and jolly for our little girl.  I'm trying not to stress her out, trying to keep things light, yet ensure she learns responsibility.  I miss you so much, I still feel so empty & lonely.

I love you handsome man and miss you so much

take care

I'm sinking, drowning, don't know what to do.  I don't want to be a debbie downer to others enjoying their holiday.  I'm tired.  I have no motivation, no energy.  I wish I could just sit in my room and just be by myself.  I have obligations, promises to keep.  I have to fake life with a smile. It hurts to smile.  I really don't want to do this any more.

Invisible

Invisible is how I would describe myself in social situations, that's when I get the courage to actually be in social situations.  I just want to give up and stay in my house, stay in my room and stare at this screen.  I think that is something I want to do, just lay low and let the world go by, no one will notice if I'm not there.  I can just withdraw into my invisibility, melt away.

empty

Mahler

I miss you handsome man.  I heard some beautiful music by some exceptional musicians.  You would have loved it.  I miss holding your hand.  

take care

‘farewell, o companion’

One of my favorite tales in Ovid's Metamorphoses is that of Philemon & Baucis. I went looking for the book you bought, the book we got after we watched the play adapted from Metamorphoses. I came across some notes you wrote to me.  Notes I haven't seen in years.  One written in September of 1998, we'd only known each other a month and our friendship meant so much to each other. I  found others, a note you wrote when I was pregnant and I was taking an exam that would determine our financial future and your words gave me comfort & no matter the outcome we would be fine because we are a team.  Other notes with latin and greek phrases.  

I love you handsome man.  I miss you so.  Thank you for showing me so many beautiful things, teaching me love, being my friend, my partner.  

talia tum placido Saturnius edidit ore:
‘dicite, iuste senex et femina coniuge iusto
digna, quid optetis.’ cum Baucide pauca locutus
iudicium superis aperit commune Philemon:
‘esse sacerdotes delubraque vestra tueri
poscimus, et quoniam concordes egimus annos,
auferat hora duos eadem, nec coniugis umquam
busta meae videam, neu sim tumulandus ab illa.’
vota fides sequitur: templi tutela fuere,
donec vita data est; annis aevoque soluti
ante gradūs sacros cum starent forte locique
narrarent casus, frondere Philemona Baucis,
Baucida conspexit senior frondere Philemon.
iamque super geminos crescente cacumine vultus
mutua, dum licuit, reddebant dicta ‘vale’ que
‘o coniunx’ dixere simul, simul abdita texit
ora frutex: ostendit adhuc Thyneius illic
incola de gemino vicinos corpore truncos.

-Ovid's Metamorphoses 

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