In this place again, sadly the last time.

 Your princess has started college and my life is in a transition.  I'm no longer sandwiched between my Dad and kiddo.  I've come to call her that these days.  Not sure what you would be calling her, what nick names you would have for her now.  You would be 52 years old and my old jokes have just begun really.  I miss you, even still.  So I've chosen to serve people as a befriender.  I'm just learning the ropes.

I've gone to a isolated part of the retreat center, the part that actually has wifi allowing me time to myself and time to blog and reflect.  Here's what I have so far from yesterday: it's a cut and paste job, but you get the gist. 

Well that function will not work.  Something involving paying for something, always seems to be the way.  I got here on Friday February 13, 2026, I'm on retreat with a wonderful group of people, I am the youngest person here by the way.  I'm learning so much and really putting my listening skills to use.  

One session talked about hopelessness and how that can be a gift from God, I'm thinking are you nuts?  But of course after further reflection and sitting with the idea it just might be a gift.  When we feel hopeless that is a time to turn to God.  My answer was I didn't let myself feel hopeless for very long I tried to take action to do something.  There is no time limit, and it could very well be I am a different person, dare I say better person for the pain and suffering I endured.  

Another session that really stayed with me was Questions of Jesus.  

Here they are: 

1. What do you want me to do for you? 

2. Why were you weeping? 

3. What are you looking for? 

4. Do you want to be made well? 

5. Why are you afraid? 

6. Do you love me? 

7. Why are you frightened and why do doubts arise in your hearts? 

8. Did I not choose you? 

9. Where is your faith? 

The assignment was to choose three of these questions that were most pertinent in your life right now.  

There are readings from the New Testament where Jesus actually asks these questions. The three I chose were:

 What do you want me to do for you? 

What are you looking for? 

Where is your faith? 

Of course we had to whittle down those choices to one.  I settled on 

What are you looking for? 

As I alluded at the beginning of this post I am in a transition period in my life.  My daughter has graduated from high school and she is well on her way to defining her own life and exploring paths she can take forward.  It is so exciting to watch and I am so very proud of her.  I've been doing this solo for so long I forgot I was supposed to be an empty nester with you.  I am so use to being alone it's not as painful.  I guess I shouldn't say alone, I have companionship.  Chapter two is done and the book is closed, but I've got a long term subscription to very adventurous circular if you will. My love, I really do not think I will have that eros love again.  The topic of another session on this retreat.  I digress.  

Part of the question exercise was to imagine discussing this question with Jesus or a wise person.  I imagined walking with Anne at the farm along the driveway.  I'm looking for a path, a way to live my life with my role as Mom still there, but defined a bit differently.  I'm not the rule maker or rule enforcer anymore.  My role as cheerleader, supporter is still there and maybe even there more than ever.  I'm not sure exactly what I mean.  I do know that I love my daughter with all of my heart and soul and everything that is inside me.  The really cool thing is I also really like her, like a lot.  She is such a cool person, funny, smart, passionate, balanced.  Again, I digress.  She is the center of my world and now she is not in my world has much and I need to find a path that is for me.  Something fulfilling, I chose the befriender ministry.  Away for me to serve in a different capacity.  It's a quiet way, which I know shocker since I'm such a talker, but I think I'll be good at it.  I want to be a person she is proud of, set a good example while I still can, she's doing great on her own.  

We talked about Needling love vs. Giving love.  God loves me.  We say that all the time, but the leader said, no God loves me.  That is different from God loves everybody.  It's hard to acknowledge that I am loveable and deserve love.  The love of God and other people.  The leader of my group said she went on a retreat for women who lost their mother.  One exercise was to write a letter to your Mom then write what you think her response would be.  That really got me thinking.  I so wish I could share some stories with my Mom, to hear her say, see, I told you.  I can hear my Gram saying someday you'll be a mother and you'll understand.  I wonder what my Mom would thing of my life.  How I chose to raise my daughter, on my own.  Not because of a choice, not because of a bad marriage or bad relationship, but because this is the life I have, the life of a widow.  My parents' relationship was not the best and not something to model. I don't know, it's the agape that was there for me from my Mom, my Gram, and my Dad.  No matter what.  I have that same agape for my daughter and I sure hope she feels it.  

My thoughts are all over the place.  I will take a break for the time being and read some poetry.  Not sure why that's my comfort, relaxing activity, but it is.  

I love you handsome man, always will. 

take care

So tired

 My eyelids are heavy and my heart is tired.  Thoughts swirl and my mind just goes.  I need a rest, I need laughter.  I need something funny to ease my mind.  A needed day off from work, but my mind betrays me.  I'm struggling, but do I share, do I say.  I'm trying to be helpful, but I'm just so tired and absolutely drained.  I expended a lot of energy this afternoon, I did enjoy myself, but there was a price.  I am so tired. I know I keep saying that.  I don't know what else to say.  

One day at a time

 I can't sleep, my mind swirls with so many thoughts. An upcoming trip, a phrase uttered at the gathering today, and the year ten.  Funny it's not the thoughts you would think that are keeping me up.  The new information I learned today was indeed new information, but not shocking or unexpected.  The new information doesn't scare me or make me want to change course.  If anything it's just the opposite, the new information is drawing me in, pulling me closer.  I care so very much I want to help through thick and thin. I know I can because I've done it before, kinda like Harry Potter when he casts the all encompassing patronus.   The possibility or dare I say likelihood of a repeat for me doesn't scare me or make me gun shy.  I still want to learn and keep going even with this knowledge.  I still want to take things one day at a time, no matter where the origin of the phrase I'm sticking with it and sticking with you. One day at a time. 

I think what is keeping me up is a conversation we had tonight at the gathering.  We talked about the place where your princess works.  The people, well really family said that place had been there "forever" and I just can't fathom that.  That building was not there when you were here.  I know that in my bones.  For them to say it has been here forever, at least ten years.  It just hit me now 2:30 in the morning, it just clicked in my mind.  The people I call family, the people who are from here, roots are here, all their memories are of here, just like your princess all they know is this area.  They said it had been here forever, at least ten years.  I even spoke up and said, no it hasn't been that long, I remember that building being built.  It was built after you left this planet, you never step foot in that place.  For the words it's been there forever makes it seem like you've been gone forever.  Please understand the family was not trying to be malicious, they had no idea my brain still thinks in terms of before you, after you.  On the way home C said it was built 7 or 8 years ago. That's not forever damn it.  That's not even ten years ago, not yet damn it.  The time as become a rounding up. I guess we're up to the nearest ten.  

Math.  I still remember you taking that statistics class to get your AA to transfer to SDSU.  Sitting in that coffee shop in Coronado, Cafe 1134.  We both did the homework.  You on your paper for the actual grade and me on my paper so we could compare answers.  If they weren't the same you'd look at my work and learn how I got to my answer.  That's how we did so much of life.  Learning how the other thought and we came to solutions together and understood where the other was coming from.  

3,373 days. It's been 9 years and 88 days. It's kinda like I'm still 49, I'm not rounding up.  Though this would be prime teasing time.  From January until October I would get to tease you about how old you were.  Gray hair jokes, which I don't believe I am donning just yet, that really use to make you smile in a shake your head kind of way.  Remember your 88th birthday, the cake, the candles.  You said you would wait for me even if it was until you were 88. I didn't even realize you had a thing for me.  You even wanted to get married before I graduated.  You watched me work so hard, studying in the library until 2am sneaking in coffee for us.  Or maybe you just wanted me to know you were marrying me and not my degree.  Whatever the reason that day in 2001 was the absolute best. 

I'm rambling and now it's 3:20 AM.  

I'm keeping the promise, but I'm not pushing it.  I'm not giving up, but I'm not seeking. You know what I mean, you always did.  Being open to it, just taking it one day at a time. 

take care

Inevitable

The only thing in life that is inevitable is death.  Death is a part of life. Everything that lives will die, from the dandelion in the front yard, the animal that becomes part of the family, to the most important person in your life.  The circumstances of death are not known, the aftermath of death is a mystery.  The focus should be on life and the time we have on this planet however finite it may be.  The finality of life is a reason to strive to do good.  To do good for others and do good for ourselves.  Sharing kindness, caring, and giving love are all part of this finite world. It is important to also be open to kindness, caring and the love freely given and not be afraid of  the dates on a tombstone.  Unfortunately pain, sorrow, evil, loneliness are also components of this world, but those are finite too.  For the fixed time we have on this planet let us live, feel joy, let us love and help one another with the pain, sorrow, evil, and loneliness.  

Whatever the number of decades, years, months, days or mere moments; giving love and being open to love is all that matters. 

take care

301

 Living again.  Not just existing, completing tasks, checking boxes, crossing off the to do list.  Actually living. laughing, having discussions, being open. 

My cheeks hurt I'm smiling so much

I'm a little nervous, the wall of protection is not there, I'm kinda trusting, I'm kinda nervous, lots of excitement too.  I think the key is not to overthink it.  

Smarter now.  Chapter 3, maybe. 

take care, 

Nine

 Nine years ago today was the last day you were alive on this planet. I still miss you.  So much has changed in these last nine years.  I think about you all the time.  I went to the grocery store today, I bought cracklin’ oat bran. It’s not as hard as it use to be & I feel guilty about that.  I know that does not make sense, but maybe there is so much on my mind right now, so many tasks I need to complete.  

I miss you. 

take care

It's been a while now.

 hello there, not sure who is on the other end of this anymore.  Maybe it's just for me now, I don't know.  So much has  happened since the last time I was here.  Is my confidence coming back? It's been a little over five months now.  So many tasks to complete, an entire life and existence to pack away and put in places to allow us all to move on.  

So many other memories flood my mind.  9 years ago today we took a virtual flight, before "virtual" was even a thing, to Paris.  As a family we had a spring break trip right in our living room.  We even had inflight snacks, yes I'm talking little packages of trail mix from delta.  I did the best I could, I still am.  My bag of tricks for your princess has expanded and grown with her as her needs grow and mature.  I really miss you.  

Sometimes I can't believe he's gone, but I can.  I know that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.  If you were still here I don't think I would be doing all of the legal and necessary work because of the thousands of miles, well I probably would because that's who I am.  It would be such a different predicament if you were still on this planet.  I don't think he would have moved here, if that happened your princess would not have been as close to him; and this wouldn't hurt so much for her, AGAIN.  Sometimes I wonder what we would be like if our lives hadn't changed 3,268 days ago.  Would she have the same interests, would she be on the same path.  I'm doing my best my love, God I miss you.  

Laundry calls.  

take care,