At this moment

This is my life at this moment.  How can it be?  The speaker with so many more years under his belt than I was right, it's happening, the songs, the videos, the pictures, the memories are starting to bring a smile to my face instead of tears to my eyes.  Those memories of you my handsome man, my dear friend, not so much.  I watched tonight, I remembered, me with more years under my belt than him.  I recognized that blank stare, going through the motions, keeping things together, I caught the moment he almost lost it but pulled it through in the end.  It didn't hurt to smile, I didn't have to fake it, I didn't have to look away.  I don't know if it's numbers, this being the fifth Christmas without you or the third with my dear.

Your words

"Breathing in second-hand sadness"

"It's not a secret they are gone.  It's not a secret you're sad about it.  It's not even a secret that you will always be sad about it, it's human nature, it's life. Some cultures build rituals & ceremonies around those that they were thankful for that are no longer with us.  Maybe those cultures are just really strong in your blood, your DNA, your evolution of life. " 

"Two years & just now I am learning we are supposed to grieve; it must clean out our soul." 


"... really laugh, the infectious laughter...  I have heard that laugh in her often, I guess people that hurt deeply also love deeply, it's a balance in life."  

"Each time that we breath in a memory of sadness, like oxygen our bodies can't keep it all in & we breathe a little bit of it out again.  Someone near us breathes it in & breathes a little of it out.  Like water, like oxygen it keeps us alive & understanding each other, tying us to each other, linking."

"When life changed, our lives changed with it.  Broken hearts, broken minds led us down dark paths, looking for hope, looking for light, looking for comfort." 

"We chose to continue, to grow & be more together than we were alone.  This is why  I think we were meant to be when we were both ready to begin life again."  

"Walking hand in hand and smile in smile ... I will always know my way home because my home is with you; for whatever time we have in this fleeting world." 

You know me so well and it's only been two years & four months, how can that be?  Is it because we are starting later in our lives?  We don't have our youth to learn each others ways, we were not part of each other in youth.  You've learned so much from that second-hand sadness and you accept it, take it in stride, and learn to love me more.  I'm glad I let down my shields, (yes my dear a slight nod to your SW love) it was scary to do so, you have no idea.  You've read the raw, the anger, the confusion all right here.  You learned to love me broken as I was, you helped mend me.  I'll never be the same as I was, but that's not who you fell in love with, that individual is gone. We didn't have our youth to make history, we only have our experiences in this life.  Such different stories we've lived and now we move forward creating a new tale.  I've spoken of the hollow so many times, tonight I feel like I could burst.  It's the oddest thing, there is sadness and so much joy all at once.  You made me a beautiful video this Christmas & the fact you did, the fact you are ok with hearing stories, even so much as prodding the details of the memory in my mind as it comes across as a laugh or smile and yes even as a tear.  You've learned when I need a bad joke, you've learned when there's nothing to be said, all with not much help from me.  I've never been good at asking for help, yes I'm good at hiding it & you've stuck by my side. 

I realize I've not mentioned his princess in this entry, though she is always on my mind.
Again your words

"Her well being falls partly under my care too now.. so I have been trying to do what little I can"

Merry Christmas to my handsome man, my dear friend, and at this moment to you my dear!

take care

That place

That place.  I was at that place again.  Not the first time since you passed, the first time was for the Mom of my dear friend, my dear friend that is gone now.  That place you died.  I can't remember what floor you were on, for what ever reason I feel really guilty about not being able to remember the floor you were on, the floor you took your last audible breaths, why can't I remember what floor you were on?? I remember where everyone was sitting in the room, what we talked about,  how we even laughed telling stories about you.  Fishing poles and basketballs. 

I was at that place today, I walked by the table near the gift shop where your princess & I did homework because we would go to the hospital right after school to be with you.  It was a time when you were having therapy and needed some privacy and frankly she needed a break, we went down and sat at that table and did homework. 

I was at that place today, the court yard where she ran outside to play to get fresh air and get energy out.  The same court yard I sat in, making phone calls after you went away, after your last breath.  The court yard I just sat and stared into space as what just happened sunk in. 

It all came back, waiting for my name to be called.  I couldn't say anything, I didn't want to upset my dear.  He got upset when I posted pictures out of the blue, nothing significant to trigger it, no date, no event.  I thought he understood that's not how it works, but I try to be sensitive to his feelings so I didn't say anything today, though he is perceptive & maybe just figured it out without saying.  I don't know.  I'm afraid to talk about you lately, ever since that comment about pictures I shared.  I was very reluctant to mention you during a conversation, I feel bad about that, but then I feel bad about mentioning you.  It's a no win situation. 

It was my Mom's birthday the other day, I worked.  It's not as difficult as it is on your birthday.  Does that make me callous? I still miss her, it's just not a painful miss.  Does that even make sense?   Motherless at 35, widow at 40, did the hollow that consumed me at 40 overshadow the darkness at 35?  I watched you both die, literally you both died right in front of my eyes, hearing the last audible breath you each took.  At 35 I had you to hold me, sit with me in silence, be there when I couldn't keep it together. At 40 I had the shower, to be alone when I couldn't hold it together.  You wrote the eulogy I delivered at my Mom's funeral, you wrote the words no one else could say.  I still remember driving all over town to make arrangements and my brother asked who would speak at her funeral.  My brother said he couldn't do it and neither could my Dad.  Honestly I also said I couldn't do it, but when I heard both my brother and Dad couldn't I decided I could find the strength.  I didn't know what to say, I left that to you and  you wrote the most amazing eulogy.  You were so good with words. 

Four years later I would do the same for you, except I wrote it and delivered it.  14 months after I wrote your Mother's eulogy I wrote your obituary.  All these words. 

On the afternoon of April **, R passed away at M Hospital in C Rapids. He was surrounded by family during the last moments of his life. He was 41 years old. R was born CA, on December *. He was preceded in death by his mother, L. R is survived by his dad, M  his loving wife of 13 years and his best friend in life, K; and his beautiful daughter, his princess, C, 8 years old. As a young child, R moved to IA. He spent countless summers in  MO, with his Aunt S and A B. R met K in  IA, in 1998 and they were married on December 1. R was a scholar who cultivated a deep passion for reading, the arts, and culture. He graduated from University with highest honors as a classicist. He attended the University of M graduate program where he loved to teach. However, his most cherished and highest honor was the job title of Daddy. During his final days, many people across the country and from around the world shared their tributes to R, letting him know how much he'd influenced them and enriched their lives.

April will come again and it will be 10   5   1    the years those closest to me have been taken

60 years old  35 of those shared with me. 

41 years old  17 of those shared with me. 

58 years old   7 of those shared with me. 

And now there are numbers.  The dates have come back to hurt me, I'm constantly working with dates of birth.  I was finally letting go of those, no longer thinking in my head, when your child was born my dearest friend was dead, when you celebrate your birthday I am mourning the anniversary of his death. Those thoughts were almost gone, but now they are back with every patient encounter.  

The day has turned and is now tomorrow.  I must stop and try to sleep.  

take care, 

WE'LL figure it out, once again

Looking at the calendar.  Would have been 18 years.  Just a glance at the date. Planning for a meeting that same week to help others and a quick glance at the date.  And puff it's gone.  I'm grateful for my life as it is now.  Yes ups and downs, the waves will always come.  Just now it was quick and sharp, but it's gone.  I still love you and that will always be a part of who I am, you taught me after all.  I'm still learning to love anew and be loved anew. 

There are changes coming to the practicality of my life, but I embrace them and look for the good and make adjustments for the short comings.  Our motto that started in 2013, we'll figure it out, with having two kids out of the blue all the way to dealing with major medical schedules, school schedules and the like just to happen the very next year and a half.  Used "play it by ear" quite a bit too, that has some negative memories for your princess so I try to avoid that one at all costs.  We'll figure it out started as a fun phrase to get one kid to one place and the other kid to the opposite part of town.  We didn't ease in to two kids like so many do, it was one of the best years, so formidable and added to our family in a way I thought never possible.  Shortly after that year I became a solo parent to one kid and the phrase sentiment remained, although it was then "I'll figure it out".  No more we for quite some time.  From time to time it's we, between your princess and me and starting to become we again with my dear.  This is life, four years and seven months without you and life two years and three months with you. 

Maybe the guilt is subsiding, allowing the happiness to remain.  There are still waves and with holidays approaching I'm hoping not to struggle and simply tread water to survive like the holidays of the recent past.  I want to sail, swim, splash, play.  The water just crossed my mind, I wonder if your princess still has that anger or guilt with water.  I use the water as a metaphor for the grief that will always be there, like waves in the ocean.  Growing up with the beach as a place I visited, it has so many memories for me.  It's been a place of fun memories with family and friends and a place of tranquility allowing me to reflect on my own.  For her the water was a place she was when you left this earth, she was in the water having fun and not with you during your last moments.  I think it was better that way, it's hard for me to think of that last audible breath as we all sat waiting for the next, that never came.  It's not the last memory of you  I wanted our little girl of only 8 to have.  I remember saying your name, "Rick", the name you used when I met you and fell in love with you, the name of your youth.  I did not know you as Ricky, though the rest in the room did.  They'd seen you change and grow to the man you became, proud I'm sure. 

I digress as my mind races.  It's nice to be back to the we'll.  Plural and future tense.  I like that.

take care

what a difference a day makes.

I don't know why, the book? The words, she describes how it hurts when someone dies, walking down a hallway can hurt, listening to a song can hurt, looking at a picture.  The descriptions, the name of her Aunt and piano teacher, hurt.  Pretty overwhelmed today, not with work, with life.  I was described as "good garbage" tonight, I'm sure it was not intentional, but hurt all the same.  Felt like a failure, beaten.  I don't know why, such good news yesterday, such excitement, today started that way too.  It was after, on the way home listening to the words, bringing back the flashes, the dreaded cart of cookies for those about to loose the most important person in their life.  Fucking cookies.  I'm tired, never good when I'm tired, exhausted really.  I don't even have the energy for this. I'm done. 
Why is it back, why is the hollow returning? It will never go away.  I just want to stay in my room, away from everyone, everything, lay in my bed and just close my eyes. Life does not work that way.  Sometimes I feel life doesn't work out at all.  Wham.  Slap in the face.  Gut punched.  Tomorrow will come, it will be a new day. 

take care

to cause pain through my joy

I feel really bad.  I didn't know he was coming, I was surprised and so absolutely delighted he came and was there, holding my hand.  I so missed that.  It was years before you left this earth that holding hands in church was a thing.  That is for another time. 

Yet, my happiness and joy caused so much pain.  A pain I felt at that exact same place watching the exact same thing.  It was the first Christmas Eve without you.  I saw my dear friend and her husband share a loving moment, holding hands at mass.  I had to look away, I did my best to keep it together for your princess.  Now, four years and four months later the friend I grew so close to is no longer here and I caused that very same deep hurt with my happiness.  I'm so sorry my dear friend.  I would come to you and ask your opinion or just chat with you about it, alas that is no longer possible. 

Seeing others and their happiness with their partners is part of the path, the awful, ugly part.  At least it's a path I understand, a path I myself still travel and will travel for the rest of my life.  This path evolves, yes my dear even science is in my psyche.  My path includes you now, to share this life, to live the days not alone, but as partners.  All the days:  good, bad, ugly.  To share the joy, the pain, the mundane.  When we said good bye today, I said I love you, didn't even think about it.  It just came out like it was suppose to.  Just natural.  I admit I do think about saying it, making sure I say it enough so you know.  I'm still learning how you feel loved.  I hope I'm doing a good job to show you.

I'm sorry my friend.

I love you my dear.


take care,

thinking of you, both of you

This song brought some thoughts and questions to my mind.
I wonder what is was like at the last moments, what was it like for you?   Did you see anyone on the other side? Both of you.  The Dad that passed to the other side two months before, the dad you so lovingly took care of.  The Mom that passed a year & three months before you.  A relationship that was at one point non-existent and then on and off again for years.  At least at the end it was on and in a good way for you and her.  Did you see the woman who always reminded me with that smile and glint in her eye that she loved you first? Did you see my mom, was she happy?  I miss my friend, my confidant, the person I turned to after you left.  What were your last thoughts? that beautiful mind.  I miss you so much, part of the time I don't know what I'm doing, drowning in the day to day.  Work has been absolutely unbearable, you're not there to reassure I'm still good at my job, to tell me it will all be okay.  You're not here to tell me it will all be ok with my dad, I don't need to hear that it will all be ok, I just need support.  I am so tired, caught in the middle. Keeping her balanced and happy, being the silly parent, bringing in the paycheck to keep food in the fridge, roof over our head, clothes on her back, remembering all the details of the house, the bills, the dental appointments, the school offerings, asking the right questions of the doctors for my dad, making sure everyone feels valued and not less important than my job.  I am so tired of the constant worry.  Trying to keep things together, including myself.  No one here to lean on anymore.  To help with the mundane. 
I've been listening to the music of the show we saw, remembering the trip we took.  I am so lost right now. 
One more song made me pause and think, this one more of you.  I feel I failed at making your dream a reality.  It's just too much, or maybe I'm just too lazy.  I did try, only once though, for that I'm sorry. 


A day off from work, but not a day off from life.
Someday I'll see you all on the other side.
The very last scene in the animation of that last song is so telling.

Do not pity the dead. 

Pity the living, and, above all those who live without love. 

-Albus Dumbledore

               



take care

one more thing

one last thing, again.  had to take your name off an account.  Lots of paper work, not as difficult though, what hit me was the fact I couldn't remember your SSN.  Further and further away.  Your text message stream is so far down it's difficult to find these days.

It makes me think that she does not have too many solid memories.  I have over 10 years and I can think a little and remember, look at a picture, read a word, hear a song and it'll all come back, sometimes with joy others with tears.  She does not have that storage, no fault of her own.  She was so young when you left.  The memories she has have her own flare, remembered a little differently than I remember.  That's ok, those are hers to cherish and cultivate. 

Life would be so different if you were still here, of course it would, what a ridiculous statement.  We would have different likes than we do now.  I don't see us has a camping family and now it is bond she & I share, something we make memories with.  I wonder what we would have made memories with you?   I'll never know. 

Part of me feels guilty for finding joy again in this life, joy in things I don't think you would find as enjoyable.  I'm curious as to what we would find enjoyable as a family of three, yet I don't long for it anymore.  I've learned to find joy with your princess alone, though she is now my best girl.

If it's such a thing, I hope you are pleased with how things are going here.  I'm so torn to honor your beliefs and that you just shut off and were gone when you died.  Part of me wants you to see how we're doing and maybe it'll make you smile.  I'm doing my best.

love you handsome man.

take care