one more thing

one last thing, again.  had to take your name off an account.  Lots of paper work, not as difficult though, what hit me was the fact I couldn't remember your SSN.  Further and further away.  Your text message stream is so far down it's difficult to find these days.

It makes me think that she does not have too many solid memories.  I have over 10 years and I can think a little and remember, look at a picture, read a word, hear a song and it'll all come back, sometimes with joy others with tears.  She does not have that storage, no fault of her own.  She was so young when you left.  The memories she has have her own flare, remembered a little differently than I remember.  That's ok, those are hers to cherish and cultivate. 

Life would be so different if you were still here, of course it would, what a ridiculous statement.  We would have different likes than we do now.  I don't see us has a camping family and now it is bond she & I share, something we make memories with.  I wonder what we would have made memories with you?   I'll never know. 

Part of me feels guilty for finding joy again in this life, joy in things I don't think you would find as enjoyable.  I'm curious as to what we would find enjoyable as a family of three, yet I don't long for it anymore.  I've learned to find joy with your princess alone, though she is now my best girl.

If it's such a thing, I hope you are pleased with how things are going here.  I'm so torn to honor your beliefs and that you just shut off and were gone when you died.  Part of me wants you to see how we're doing and maybe it'll make you smile.  I'm doing my best.

love you handsome man.

take care

what started as a note . . .

The whole tire thing reminded me of a story with R.  He was not into cars, didn't really fix stuff.  Don't get me wrong he had his own talents, like cooking with out the fire alarm going off.  :) 

Any way,  I was closing one night at work, it was winter and REALLY REALLY cold.  I get out to the car and one of my tires was visibly low.  I called R to let him know what was going on and that I would stop and get some air for the tire on the way home.  I asked him how do I know when I've put enough air in the car.  His advice was to attach the machine, turn on the air and count to ten.  It makes me laugh to think about it now. 

 After he got sick I stepped down as manager and my boss put me in a store as a staff member, the store was located south of where we live and no where near my old location, where I use to manage.  Anyway my first shift at the new location was a 12 hour shift.  I didn't have a GPS with me, all I had were my written directions.  Needless to say I couldn't see them at night, especially after 12 hours, that sounds good  right?   I ended up getting on the freeway going southbound, even further away from the house.  oops.  R was able to track where I was going based on my phone, it's an app you can use in case you loose your phone it shows you where the phone is on a map.  Since we shared everything including the phone account he would check on me as to where I was.  About ten minutes on my way "home" he calls me and asked if I was going to Iowa.  It was so funny.  He even told me he gave me 10 minutes to see if I would realize I was going the wrong way.  I didn't.  Good thing he called.  

When I was running and training for the half marathon I would do  10 mile runs.  He would track me on my phone if it was getting late because he was a worrier.  So one time he sent me a text message to see if I was ok.  I told him I was trying to figure out where I was and I'd be home soon.  I was on the other side of town.  That was one thing I liked about running, I would just go and not have a destination.  Once I reached half the distance I was suppose to run to meet the training goal I would start looking at street signs and figure out where I was and get home from there.  I use to do the same thing with the princess when she fit in the bike trailer.  I would ride my bike and pull the little trailer behind me, we found tons and tons of parks in the area.  We even had these duck quakers we would blow as we rode.  You should see some of the looks, head turns, smiles, and giggles we got from people walking or sitting on benches as we rode by.  Anyway, I digress, back to the running.  R responded to my text of me trying to figure out where I was so I could start the run home by giving me directions to get home.  Then he sends a text asking if I want a ride because I don't want to over do it.  Of course ten minutes later, he found me with the car with a huge water bottle with ice water waiting for me in the car.  

I have to admit I kinda miss being spoiled with little things like that.  Did you know R always put gas in my car?  I would call on my way home and tell him I had to get gas, he would just say, come home I'll put gas in it later, and he did.  I was quite capable, I'd done it many times, I'm not the princess type, he just wanted me to come home.  I've always been a strong & independent person.  Even took me a little bit to get use to someone doing something for me after we got married.  These last four years I've had to get use to doing everything myself again.  From doing half of the house up keep inside and out to doing all of it.  I figured it out and made it work.  That's the new motto you know.  The pendulum swings and I'm learning to adjust once again.  Though I'm still not good at asking for help, like  R use to say my tombstone will say, it's okay I'm fine.  

My mind is just going tonight, I'm sorry I must seem so scattered.  

love you handsome man, good night my dear. 

take care

all of a sudden

She's back and I'm in a hole.  I don't understand, utter joy, calm, peace, now it seems to be gone.  Probably didn't help that we chose images for your urn tonight.  I get dragged down so easily. I try to protect and absorb the pain for her, I do my best to allow her to release and I take it in.  The hollow fills with pain, yet the empty is still there.  She'll never have that transition from calling you Daddy to Dad.  You'll always be Daddy because you weren't allowed to be here long enough for her to grow into calling you Dad.  It really hurts tonight.  I'm tired. I really don't want to be alone.  I will go to sleep, close my eyes.

I'm still learning, still figuring things out.  How your mind works, what's ok to joke about, what's not.  I need to remember that you are still learning about me too.  I'm learning to love differently and to be loved differently.  Does that make sense? 


I'm tired and I feel alone, like there is a dry, hollow trail down my throat.  I don't know where it leads, I can't get past the empty feeling.

take care

Instant

Gone
All gone.
Why did you have to leave too?  Things were coming together for me and for her.
Why
Why
I just don't understand.  The opinion I always sought out, the one I trusted, the one I aspired to.  There are times I just can't believe it is real, still in shock I suppose.  It's a different kind of hollow. 

I don't make friends easy.  We connected on such a level, we had such similar ideas from politics, religion, to how to keep our daughters safe, how to raise them.  I miss you. You were the constant. During the darkest times of my life you were the encouragement, the smile, the help I needed but could never ask for. 

Life is not fair. 

I'm scared.  In an instant, gone.  What if ... I'm scared.  So much loss, I'm scared.  All this loss, I'm afraid to get close again, I overcame that fear, at that time it wasn't a fear of losing the closeness, it was a fear of being close again.  A fear of having someone be important to me again, a fear of living life and having happiness.  I overcame that fear, I chose to live a life, not to merely exist, I chose to share life, share in happiness.  A new fear has taken over.  A fear of getting close to someone, I'm afraid it can go away in an instant.  I don't make friends easy, I know I've said that already.  Now I'm afraid to make friends because in an instant gone.  I don't want any more hollow. 

Sitting here as I contemplate, as I reflect, I realize I have been wanting to spend more time with you, part of me does not understand and just now I believe I figured out it's because I'm scared of losing you in an instant.  When you traveled a distance to be with family at an event I was worried.  When I didn't hear from you, when there was no response my  mind gave into the fear and thought of car accidents, you being gone scared me.  Over the last five weeks I've been quite needy and wanting to be with you all the time, the fear constricting my throat.  I don't feel strong anymore, is that bad?  it's like when I was merely existing I was strong and didn't lean on anyone, well I didn't ask for help.  Now that I have you I feel like I lean on you too much, I'm afraid I'll drive you away.   I'm sure this is not what you signed up for.  Too polite to say.  I don't know if I'm worth it.  I feel selfish at times, especially these last five weeks. 

I am so tired. 

I love you handsome man.

I'm sorry my dear.

The hollow is too difficult for words.

take care, 

profound

Philippinas 1:3
I give thanks to my God at every remembrance of you,

I think I'm finally coming back, it's ok if I do. I have you to thank for that my dear.

I found something today, your words, most personal thoughts, your hopes, your words written in your hand, touchingly honest because as you lived it was not writing you shared with the world to see or something you shared with me.  I found an old journal you kept spanning a few years.  The dates haunt me.

September 9, 2009 you quoted me I've never thought of myself as quote worthy.

"Kate also said something the other day that I found true, touching, and profound:
                   'I read not just to enjoy, but to engage with the world'
Oh what a woman!"

I even got an exclamation.  These pages I've read today reminded me how much you loved me and our daughter.  I know it was your private journal, but I do not feel one bit guilty for reading it.  Sometimes I'm afraid I will forget, I should say I'm still afraid I'll forget.  It was nice to read your thoughts and remember.  I had completely forgotten we chose books for each other to read.  I still remember suggesting Dawkins, oh boy did I open a can of worms or what.

One more  excerpt from an entry I will share

26 April 2010
 When we die, I think we truly wish our loved ones to not grieve too much, nor for too long, but to cherish what is best in their memories. 

Five years later you died, and fours years after that I have just found these words, your words.  Profound indeed.

I miss you handsome man even still.

take care

4

The piano, the deck, in all fairness these we spoke about and wanted to replace.  The piano especially, you so wanted to surprise me as I found out later, we just couldn't swing it, and that being such a large expense hard to do on your own. 
Windows
Blue 42
WiFi
coffee maker
Athena & Apollo
Kalypso
area rug

Little by little our home changes and the things that were here when you were here are not.  New things have come and you'll never see or experience them.  Things to not get input or your opinion. 
Four years, I can't believe it's been nearly four years.  It seems too far away, a lifetime; it still hurts like yesterday.  Really it was bad today.  There are good days, more and more the good days are out numbering the bad.  I'm not sure how I feel about that, it's almost like a guilt feeling.  How dare I find happiness and love when there is still a hole in my heart and soul that will never go away.  The hole is not consuming as it was, it's not swallowing me alive anymore. 

There was a memory that sparked last night.  It made my legs collapse and not hold me up, I crumpled to the floor.  I just finished a shower and I remembered the decisions, the look on Dr. L's face when he came back from vacation and learned you were on hospice.  I didn't have the results, I didn't have the results, why the fuck didn't I have the results.  I should have waited, I should have fucking waited.  Then there was Dr. N who spoiled our Thanksgiving, our last Thanksgiving.  We had to celebrate on Wednesday because of my work, that's when she decided it was time to discuss and think about what if things didn't go the way we wanted.  DNR
I wanted to to keep going with the full dose, not to back off.  It was working, it was fucking working.  The body can only take so much she said.  He was young.  But no, she advised to back down and go to a maintenance plan.  I wanted to keep going and keep hitting the cancer hard keep it shrinking.  No, that was the last of everything.  Last Thanksgiving, our last anniversary, last Christmas, your last birthday, her last birthday, last Spring together as a family.  No mother's day.  No father's day.  Not there for our picture in the directory.  I improvised and it was beautiful. 

K: "Will this be his last Christmas?"
M: "I hope not."

Diagnosis on Mother's Day one year and gone before the next Mother's Day.

You spoiled me so.  I'm forgetting the little things.  The "come home safe" every time I left the house. The magnificent meals you created. You made me feel so beautiful, I started to believe you when you said I was the most beautiful woman in the room; you said it so often.  "I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you go."  The way we danced in such harmony, in sync with each other on every level. 

Am I doing things right?

She is so different now, growing up.  She so reminds me of you.  Sense of direction, quick wit, humor.  Her love of reading and writing. 

Four years, how can it be four fucking years?!  The amount of time it takes to start and graduate from high school.  That was a goal you had, to see her graduate from high school.  You said you'd be happy if you could at least have that, you pleaded.  Then when we went to your last chemo, your last treatment that fucking spring, you asked me "Am I going to come home?" and what did I say "I hope so."  What a terrible thing to say.  Oh yeah, now I'm remembering that visit.  It wasn't for chemo, it was for a checkup, you were in so much pain.  They kept upping and upping your pain meds.  There was a fill in doctor because Dr. N was gone on vacation and Dr. L hadn't seen you yet.  This other doctor said it was up to you, go home on more pain meds or be admitted to get pain under control.  You wanted to come home, you were in so much pain.  I talked you into going to the hospital to get the pain under control.  Using IV medication would help the pain better, get it under control then go home on oral medication.  You wanted to come home.  I talked you out of it, you never came home again until I held you in my arms in a fucking plastic box.  That's how you came home.  AS drove us home before we went to the luncheon.  I couldn't leave you there.  That was an option to come back later and pick up the ashes.  I couldn't do that, I couldn't leave YOU there.  I had to bring you home.  I couldn't drive though, that's why AS drove and took us home. 

Why am I doing this?  I am so tired.  I feeling like giving up.  My heart is pounding, my nose is stuffed, my head hurts, my soul aches. 

take care

nothing

I'm flailing, suffocating, drowning.  I'm merely existing.  No thoughts, just hollow.  I will sleep, maybe at least close my eyes. 
Empty
Hollow
Alone
non-fulfilling
I need to re-charge, I don't know how, when.
No motivation
Eyes are heavy.
Heart is heavy.
Why has this returned?
No energy.

Sleep.


take care