Hospice time of year.

Autumn use to be my favorite season.  The weather changed, it was comfortable, not scorching hot or so humid it's hard to breath and not unbearably cold.  It's the season my birthday occurs.  It is full of colors and beauty.  Last year I barely even noticed the season, it was the first fall without you.

This year I equate this season as the hospice time of year.  It's the period before death, a service to try and make things beautiful and comfortable before death, yet death still comes and it is still ugly.  This season is the usher to times of happiness for many, a time that was excitedly welcomed by me in the past.  It all began with my birthday, a day you made so very special, even if we were home you fussed about me and you and your princess would sing to me.  No one has sung happy birthday to me for two years now, it's silly but I miss that.  You knew I didn't necessarily like a big deal made about my birthday, but I so miss the little things.

Of course fall is the precursor to the 'Holiday Season' and all the family joy that is to bring to life.  I'm trying my best to keep things upbeat and positive for our little girl, but I'm struggling something fierce.  We're going to the apple orchard this weekend, a tradition we did each year around this time, we're going with two other couples, a reminder we are no longer a couple, no longer Team S, just the S Ladies here on out.

November brings Thanksgiving, your favorite holiday and just a week later would be our 15th wedding anniversary, it would of been your turn to choose how we celebrated.  Christmas and all the little traditions we did as a family, all gone.  Your birthday, that time of joy and huge celebration, everyone knew it was your birthday.  Our birthday trip to your favorite book store, no matter the temperature outside we made that trip every year, of course coffee was also involved on that day.  I miss you so much.  I miss your embrace, when you put your arms around me I felt so safe, now it feels like people don't want to hug me, I don't know why.  I want to be hugged so tight the emptiness is just squeezed out of me.  I want someone to sing Happy Birthday to me on my actual birthday.

I miss you so much handsome man.

take care

When will this stop? 

I'm tired.  

I don't know why I'm here, I exist for her, every aspect of my life is for her, that's the best I can do.

I'm alone and empty.  

Hollow.

I'm struggling and I don't know what to do. 

There is no meaning. 

Echoes of nothingness. 

I must sleep. 

Surpassed.

The day is done.  Another candle to light, a candle you never saw on your own cake.  There were no candles, no cake, the light is gone for me on this day.  Maybe next year.  I miss you handsome man.

take care,

tired

Tried to do something for myself this weekend, epic fail.  It was not what I was expecting.  I will surpass your age on Tuesday, no more teasing ever.  Truly, that stopped 17 months ago.  I'm tired and I'm drowning.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I'm tired of this life without you.  I'm tired of being strong.  I don't want to do this anymore.  My head hurts and I can't breathe.  I'm living for her, I am so tired.  Goodnight my love.

numb

I have to scroll farther and farther to find pictures of you.  You are getting further and further away.  I sit here with tears rolling down my face, silence, not to wake our little girl.  It's passed and now I'm just numb.  I don't care anymore.  I should just close my eyes and sleep.  I am exhausted.  I miss you handsome man.

take care,

Another wave crashes down

I'm sitting in the parking lot before my shift & I'm just struggling.  I don't know why I'm telling you, I don't know what else to do.  I can't escape, nothing is working, not my book, not music, I'm drowning.  I don't know why.  This is dumb, I'll drown myself in work. Writing helps, it'll be enough I wrote it down. No one needs to know.

you are not in them

I am so lonely.  I cherish my time with our little girl.  I've learned to be funny and goofy with her.  I was before, but I seemed to always play the straight man to your comedic ways.  I think I've found a balance in that regard.  I miss being your partner in everything.  I miss how you always made me feel beautiful.  I updated our pictures in the living room, you are not in them.  We put our old family pictures on the wall in the dining room, a new place.  You won't be in any future pictures, when she graduates, after a school play, and not in the photos from our twentieth wedding anniversary.  In less than a month I will have surpassed your age, never be able to tease you with old age jokes, even if it was only a 10 month difference. I am so lonely and empty it hurts.
I miss you handsome man and love you still.

take care,