4

The piano, the deck, in all fairness these we spoke about and wanted to replace.  The piano especially, you so wanted to surprise me as I found out later, we just couldn't swing it, and that being such a large expense hard to do on your own. 
Windows
Blue 42
WiFi
coffee maker
Athena & Apollo
Kalypso
area rug

Little by little our home changes and the things that were here when you were here are not.  New things have come and you'll never see or experience them.  Things to not get input or your opinion. 
Four years, I can't believe it's been nearly four years.  It seems too far away, a lifetime; it still hurts like yesterday.  Really it was bad today.  There are good days, more and more the good days are out numbering the bad.  I'm not sure how I feel about that, it's almost like a guilt feeling.  How dare I find happiness and love when there is still a hole in my heart and soul that will never go away.  The hole is not consuming as it was, it's not swallowing me alive anymore. 

There was a memory that sparked last night.  It made my legs collapse and not hold me up, I crumpled to the floor.  I just finished a shower and I remembered the decisions, the look on Dr. L's face when he came back from vacation and learned you were on hospice.  I didn't have the results, I didn't have the results, why the fuck didn't I have the results.  I should have waited, I should have fucking waited.  Then there was Dr. N who spoiled our Thanksgiving, our last Thanksgiving.  We had to celebrate on Wednesday because of my work, that's when she decided it was time to discuss and think about what if things didn't go the way we wanted.  DNR
I wanted to to keep going with the full dose, not to back off.  It was working, it was fucking working.  The body can only take so much she said.  He was young.  But no, she advised to back down and go to a maintenance plan.  I wanted to keep going and keep hitting the cancer hard keep it shrinking.  No, that was the last of everything.  Last Thanksgiving, our last anniversary, last Christmas, your last birthday, her last birthday, last Spring together as a family.  No mother's day.  No father's day.  Not there for our picture in the directory.  I improvised and it was beautiful. 

K: "Will this be his last Christmas?"
M: "I hope not."

Diagnosis on Mother's Day one year and gone before the next Mother's Day.

You spoiled me so.  I'm forgetting the little things.  The "come home safe" every time I left the house. The magnificent meals you created. You made me feel so beautiful, I started to believe you when you said I was the most beautiful woman in the room; you said it so often.  "I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you go."  The way we danced in such harmony, in sync with each other on every level. 

Am I doing things right?

She is so different now, growing up.  She so reminds me of you.  Sense of direction, quick wit, humor.  Her love of reading and writing. 

Four years, how can it be four fucking years?!  The amount of time it takes to start and graduate from high school.  That was a goal you had, to see her graduate from high school.  You said you'd be happy if you could at least have that, you pleaded.  Then when we went to your last chemo, your last treatment that fucking spring, you asked me "Am I going to come home?" and what did I say "I hope so."  What a terrible thing to say.  Oh yeah, now I'm remembering that visit.  It wasn't for chemo, it was for a checkup, you were in so much pain.  They kept upping and upping your pain meds.  There was a fill in doctor because Dr. N was gone on vacation and Dr. L hadn't seen you yet.  This other doctor said it was up to you, go home on more pain meds or be admitted to get pain under control.  You wanted to come home, you were in so much pain.  I talked you into going to the hospital to get the pain under control.  Using IV medication would help the pain better, get it under control then go home on oral medication.  You wanted to come home.  I talked you out of it, you never came home again until I held you in my arms in a fucking plastic box.  That's how you came home.  AS drove us home before we went to the luncheon.  I couldn't leave you there.  That was an option to come back later and pick up the ashes.  I couldn't do that, I couldn't leave YOU there.  I had to bring you home.  I couldn't drive though, that's why AS drove and took us home. 

Why am I doing this?  I am so tired.  I feeling like giving up.  My heart is pounding, my nose is stuffed, my head hurts, my soul aches. 

take care

nothing

I'm flailing, suffocating, drowning.  I'm merely existing.  No thoughts, just hollow.  I will sleep, maybe at least close my eyes. 
Empty
Hollow
Alone
non-fulfilling
I need to re-charge, I don't know how, when.
No motivation
Eyes are heavy.
Heart is heavy.
Why has this returned?
No energy.

Sleep.


take care

almost

The hollow is growing and I'm being consumed.  It's been such a long time since it's been this bad.  I'm drowning, I can't breath, I don't have the energy to come up for air. 

I was almost there, a smile before a tear. 


take care

It's returned

The hollow has slowly crept it's way back.  It's been a tough day my dear.  Started with the death of my potato soup friend.  My heart aches, my heart remembers, I feel the hollow resurfacing.

It was not easy with your princess tonight.  In the end it was ok, apologies, tears, and hugs.  Though the outcome was good in the end it truly drained me, I have no energy.

I'm being swallowed.

I love you my dear, I'm glad to hear your voice.


take care.

Potato Soup

Potato soup, the wish of a man who's days are limited on this planet.  Tonight he asked for potato soup, it was not possible.  Brings back so many memories.  Looking for that doughnut shop you craved your last days on this earth, I should say last days you were vibrant enough to crave, to communicate.  You didn't know the name of the place, just a vague location, on the way to school, near Little Canada.  By golly I found it!!  I searched the internet and used google earth and found it.  I would have gone to the end of the earth to fulfill any desire you had while you lay in that hospital bed those last weeks of your life. 

Even the smallest part I play in this journey for my potato soup friend brings back so many memories.  Completely different story, every story is unique really.  Remembering how hard it was to watch you suffer and there was absolutely nothing I could do to help, to ease the pain.  Another request you made was for me to read to you.  I read short stories as we waited for your day long procedure to determine the extent of disease.  Then when it got so bad I read Catullus and other ancient poets with the help of Super K 2000 miles away, for that I will be eternally grateful. 

I sent nightly good night videos and good morning videos of your princess wishing you a good day.  It was so painful that I couldn't be with you all the time, I couldn't sleep in the same room.  The one night I did spend in the chair next to your bed was just too difficult for your princess.  I had to choose her well being over my own.  This is hard to watch all over again, not the same intensity, but the memories do flood back along with the tears.

I miss you handsome man. I really need my dear and can't wait until tomorrow.

take care

Celebrating the survival.

Five years ago everything was coming together.  I planned a surprise birthday party for you, I started planning a year ahead of time.  People came from Des Moines, Chicago, and all over the twin cities.  We had the surprise in the morning so we could spend the day with our friends.  It was just perfect!  My dear mentioned having a live funeral or something along those lines, why wait to celebrate a life once the individual is dead.  Come together in life and create memories when we are all alive to enjoy them.  I guess I did that without even knowing.  I had no idea your next birthday would be your last.  Your 40th was glorious, 41 was a happy birthday, with pain in your body.  I'm sure we would have had a party for your 45th, probably not a surprise, but a party none the less.  I still find it funny we played chess on your birthday, New Year's Eve. 

I can still hear you in the book store, "Where's Kate?" once you knew something was going on.  We were all waiting for you in the kid's section, except for the one who couldn't wait any more and "bumped" into you in the store.  I pulled it off, it was so joyous, it was perfect.  We had coffee after, then went to lunch at Stella's.  That evening we came back together, told stories about you, I even shared about our fancy crab dinner without proper crab crackers.  It was wonderful to share that night with friends we made during our life together.  Friends we made before we got married, from out of state, & friends we made living here. 

You made up that pledge every year as well.  Again making me say it, I guess you had a thing for that.  I miss you.

Sometimes I wonder if you approve of choices I've made, decisions  I followed through on.  Then I remember you're dead and there is no approval or opinion.  Trust me I've never forgotten you're dead, there is always a constant reminder, but what comes to me is that you do not have an opinion because you are no longer.  It always bothers me when people ask, what would you say or think in a certain situation, I don't fucking know because you are dead.  There are no more thoughts, no more ideas, no more intellect, no more anything.  There is her, she reminds me of you a great deal.  Her humor, sense of direction, and love of reading. 

I watched a few videos of you two, she was so young.  She is growing up, coming up with her own ideas, thoughts, opinions, passions, all of this she is doing without you, without your influence, without your guidance, without her dad. 

I'm doing the best I can.  I'm raising her alone, no input, no second opinions, just me.  She and I are extremely close and we know each other better than anyone else.  I still silently sob in the shower sometimes, there because she can not see.  She knows when I struggle, but I won't let her see me fall apart, I have to be there for her, be the rock she needs, maybe rock is not the best description.  I need to be the pillow that absorbs her screams, the bag she can squeeze so hard the emptiness is forced out, the receiver of her angry words, the wearer of the hat so she feels safe to let out all of her rage.  I am the person with the ideas how to remember you, how to distract from you, how to live this life without you, how to keep going, keep learning, keep living. 

Tomorrow will come, we will honor you, remember you, live.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but the sun will set and the day will be done.  I'm glad the holidays are over, I survived them again, my fourth year.  I hope there is a year when the holiday season will be celebrated and not merely survived.  For now I'll have to celebrate I survived and take that as a win.  I miss you handsome man and this still really hurts.


take care

Is there?

I still believe there is a God, I still believe God created the Big Bang thus creating the universe.  As far as day to day. I can’t fathom an all loving God allowing so much pain and violence in the universe created.  I believe it was created with beauty and love at it’s core.  The all loving God is there to help us get through the pain of life and help us celebrate the joy and the little miracles that bring people together.  I guess Life is still Pain with beauty, strength, and love to get us through the day to day and guide us to joy.