calendar

A turn of the calendar, a new month begins.  A new reality of fear, anxiety, isolation.  Trying to be the light, the finder of silver.  The turn of the calendar, all of a sudden there's no energy, struggling to find the light.  I can hear the waves in the distance, the sound of peace, tranquility until it comes violently to the shore, all with the turn of the calendar. 


take care

the horse

done is done
what a time to be living right now
find a balance, choose a path
on the horse

Little things remind me all the time.  The time, make a wish, for what ever reason I seem to catch the clock at the mark more often.  Saying something at the same time, no more I owe you's. 
No more negativity, there was always something.  I know I'm the silver lining finder, I hope to someday talk again.   No idea what I can handle, what I have handled.  No more second guessing.  The spring is here.  New life, uncertainty in so many aspects. 

Me finding the silver lining, finding good in today's society, bringing good to today's society.  Writing notes, reassuring, listening.  Hoping. I want to share that with you, but I don't want to bring pain, I still care so very much.   Today's world allows for a slow down in some aspects of life.  Distance. Tomorrow, I do not know, no one does.  It's one day at a time, we'll figure it out.  Today's pandemic is full of one day at a time, we'll get through it  and those can be scary in an uncertain time.  It's not foreign to me, I've lived the one day at a time, we'll figure it out, the dreaded we'll play it by ear and the sympathetic you'll get through it.  I can handle it, don't tell me what I can't handle.  I like the sentiment expressed by so many today, we're in it together, we'll get through it.  I can handle that too, I prefer the optimism. 

As far as the horse, I think I'm at the brushing stage, offering a sugar cube, maybe even a peppermint. 

miss you my dear,  love you handsome man.

take care

don't dare

it's that time of year, the beginning of the end.  It should be a time of renew, it's still too much.  Are the differences too much?  Have I built up enough credit? I'm afraid to ask.  The hollow is here and it's consuming, it seems more than before, alone, empty. I don't dare, I'm afraid of karma.  I'm drowning, alone, deservedly alone.  I'm not ok though I may say, the walls are returning, my fortress is needed.  When will spring be a good time again? You seem so far away, the words you'd say I can't remember anymore, my throat is closing, I'll never be understood again.  There is too much negativity, so many complaints if things are not working as expected, even gravity.  I'm losing the balance, it's so difficult to smile, to find laughter.  I need to keep it together for her, she does not need to take care of me, I need to be there for her.  I don't think she remembers like I do, which I am grateful in a way.  I still have the notebook with all my notes and questions to ask.  The last pages with notes of your funeral.  I remember you being transported to the next building via ambulance and the moments you had outside with the sunshine on your face was just bliss, just those few moments.  All the choices I made in March, choices and decisions I made, those choices and decisions led to you never coming home.  I was so absolutely torn, wanting to stay with you every moment, but I had to be there for our daughter, it was so much for her to handle.  All the last minute changes, the playing it by ear, that's why I do what I can to not play it by ear, it's a harsh memory of what life had to be, a life where I had to watch the man I loved suffer and there was nothing I could do to ease the pain.  I read to you, I found your favorites as best I could.  I did the best I could, yet I couldn't bring you home, I talked you into staying and you never left, for that I will for ever be sorry.

take care

Ulysses & Main

Ulysses and Main

Joseph Marone

Knowledge is power,  I hate that phrase now. 

I'll never forget that red light as long as I live. 

"How do you make a marriage last 50 years?"
don't get fucking cancer, that's an excellent start

Ulysses and Main, the phone call that changed our lives, life is so fucking unfair. We'd never see 50 years, fuck we never even saw twenty or fifteen for that matter.

I don't want to be learned about. 

Why am I so angry?  Why now? 

Why did You have to take away my friend? 

You both gave something to her.  You planned a special token which holds a very special place in her heart and she sleeps with it every night.  Why didn't you think about something for me?  I don't want to hear the "always in your heart" bull shit, because that's what it is. 

Even the sudden exit didn't prevent a special object to be found.  She keeps it in her pocket.  It was meant as a thank you gift for Christmas for the volunteers.  Again I've got the "always in your heart" bull shit.  I don't know why I am so angry. 

The operating room is coming, she did not come home and I fear he will not either.  I can't believe I'm putting these thoughts into words, something to blame myself for later.  I do not have that kind of power, my thoughts even into words do not have that power.  Does God? Is that a real thing, power of God?  It sounds so blustery.  Power and God don't go together.  I think of comfort, I try to anyway.  I think things just happen in life and we can seek comfort, one of those "always in your heart" kind of comforts and you know how I feel about that.  But, power, no.  Power has such a negative connotation any more.  It goes along with greed. 

I can't answer the question, not honestly, not with words you want to hear. 

You had a way to help me let go of things, I miss that most of all, well there are lots of things I miss most of all.  It's hard for me to wait & see, to not think about the things I can't control.  I miss your yin to my yang. Maybe I'm only remembering the good, like so many people have said happens.

I'm tired, I'm lost, I'm scared.  I don't want to be at the red light on Ulysses and Main.  I'm fearful I'll say too much, go too far, and you'll just be done.  I'm fearful I'll always be the one to give in and later resent myself.

I've had enough.  Where is He now? Where were You five years ago?  Where were You nine months ago?  I don't want to be strong anymore, I've been told by so many people that I am so strong, well fuck you.  I didn't choose to be strong, it's what I fucking am.  I make my choices in life, I do my best to be helpful, to not give the bullshit answer, to actually do something.  I put actions behind my words.  If I tell you I'm there for you, I'm fucking there for you.  You don't even have to ask, I call you, I check on you.  I ask about how you met, I ask about what you did on his birthdays as a young couple, I enjoy your stories, share how I can picture her doing that as a toddler.

She's had so much loss in her young life.  People taken away, she'll not have one Grandma story she can tell, not one.  She barely has any Daddy stories.  She never even transitioned to Dad.  Please don't let there be a red light on Ulysses and Main. 

hurts

I miss you my friend.  It hurts tonight.  I've been working on the yearly project for the group you introduced me to.  I found a passion, a way to help people in our world.  It hurts. You'd be so proud, we have so many projects submitted.  We chose three really great ones to help.  You'd be so proud.  I miss you, my friend, my confidant.  I so miss you.  You understood the role I have of helping with care of my Dad, you shared the same ideas and goals of parenting. I miss you so much, I don't know why tonight, it's so hard.  I went to a funeral the other day, brought back memories of my Mom.  I was 34 when she died, older than your girls.  Life is definitely not fair.  Tomorrow we get more info, a decision to be made.  I remember you calling after the first radiation just to see how things went, to give support. 

I feel friendless. 


take care, 

time

41 or 45
For a moment I couldn't remember how old you would have been on your birthday coming up.  You are not 45 and you will never be 46.  You are no more.  4 years 8 months.  Four years, the amount of time a student starts and graduates from high school.  Taking steps on a path toward the next phase.  Four years, at the most that's the amount of time she has with memories of you.  Soon the amount of time you've been gone will exceed the years of memories she has.  That knowledge, that calculation makes it difficult to breath.  I fear the numbers will be even more cruel when the years with out you will be greater than the years she had you.  I can't bear to do the math a figure out what year that will be.  That day will come.  Dates still haunt me.  Dates of birth, dates of death.  I should close my eyes and go to bed.
5 five
five
five
I'm choking on the empty tonight. 

take care,

At this moment

This is my life at this moment.  How can it be?  The speaker with so many more years under his belt than I was right, it's happening, the songs, the videos, the pictures, the memories are starting to bring a smile to my face instead of tears to my eyes.  Those memories of you my handsome man, my dear friend, not so much.  I watched tonight, I remembered, me with more years under my belt than him.  I recognized that blank stare, going through the motions, keeping things together, I caught the moment he almost lost it but pulled it through in the end.  It didn't hurt to smile, I didn't have to fake it, I didn't have to look away.  I don't know if it's numbers, this being the fifth Christmas without you or the third with my dear.

Your words

"Breathing in second-hand sadness"

"It's not a secret they are gone.  It's not a secret you're sad about it.  It's not even a secret that you will always be sad about it, it's human nature, it's life. Some cultures build rituals & ceremonies around those that they were thankful for that are no longer with us.  Maybe those cultures are just really strong in your blood, your DNA, your evolution of life. " 

"Two years & just now I am learning we are supposed to grieve; it must clean out our soul." 


"... really laugh, the infectious laughter...  I have heard that laugh in her often, I guess people that hurt deeply also love deeply, it's a balance in life."  

"Each time that we breath in a memory of sadness, like oxygen our bodies can't keep it all in & we breathe a little bit of it out again.  Someone near us breathes it in & breathes a little of it out.  Like water, like oxygen it keeps us alive & understanding each other, tying us to each other, linking."

"When life changed, our lives changed with it.  Broken hearts, broken minds led us down dark paths, looking for hope, looking for light, looking for comfort." 

"We chose to continue, to grow & be more together than we were alone.  This is why  I think we were meant to be when we were both ready to begin life again."  

"Walking hand in hand and smile in smile ... I will always know my way home because my home is with you; for whatever time we have in this fleeting world." 

You know me so well and it's only been two years & four months, how can that be?  Is it because we are starting later in our lives?  We don't have our youth to learn each others ways, we were not part of each other in youth.  You've learned so much from that second-hand sadness and you accept it, take it in stride, and learn to love me more.  I'm glad I let down my shields, (yes my dear a slight nod to your SW love) it was scary to do so, you have no idea.  You've read the raw, the anger, the confusion all right here.  You learned to love me broken as I was, you helped mend me.  I'll never be the same as I was, but that's not who you fell in love with, that individual is gone. We didn't have our youth to make history, we only have our experiences in this life.  Such different stories we've lived and now we move forward creating a new tale.  I've spoken of the hollow so many times, tonight I feel like I could burst.  It's the oddest thing, there is sadness and so much joy all at once.  You made me a beautiful video this Christmas & the fact you did, the fact you are ok with hearing stories, even so much as prodding the details of the memory in my mind as it comes across as a laugh or smile and yes even as a tear.  You've learned when I need a bad joke, you've learned when there's nothing to be said, all with not much help from me.  I've never been good at asking for help, yes I'm good at hiding it & you've stuck by my side. 

I realize I've not mentioned his princess in this entry, though she is always on my mind.
Again your words

"Her well being falls partly under my care too now.. so I have been trying to do what little I can"

Merry Christmas to my handsome man, my dear friend, and at this moment to you my dear!

take care