"The Orchestra Plays On"

2 more pictures on the wall & 1 put away.  Maybe that’s 2 steps forward. 

Found an old journal I tried to start with only 1 entry, 12/9/14.  A promise to write everyday, a promise I couldn’t keep. 

 A poem of sorts I wrote in my youth, a journal from that time.  I’ve let it all go. 

January 12, 1999

The Orchestra Plays On

He is the beginning, he is the end

And all the beauty in between

With the curl of each hair on his head

    begins the wonderful being I pledge my love. 

His eyebrows gently introduce his eyes, 

    the portal to his soul. 

His star so intense with love & compassion, 

    I can't help but feel the calming whisper of his embrace. 

It's almost as if his eyes peek right through me, to the innermost core of my soul. 

A soul he absolutely illuminates with those portals of shining brown. 

I can can picture his lips highlighted with tin prickles, the gentlest prickles I've ever caressed. 

These lips are the source of a myriad marvels. 

His thoughts become materialized with chose words animated with those prickled lined lips

    and his brown portals expressing his beautiful soul. 

A soul so magnificent, its source is within his strong, giving heart. 

A heart that rhythmically beats and joins my own to create the greatest orchestra, 

    conducted by our enjoined soul. 

An orchestra that I am privileged to hear the rest of my life. 

A lifetime where we shall walk, side by side, hand in hand, 

    laced with each others fingers, grasping the other. 

His hands are so strong, strong enough to carry & gentle enough to provide. 

The lines of his palm tell our story of which we have not yet lived. 

The characters and narrator will be revealed each day as we take each breath & share our lives. 

We will live these lined stories of his hands & pass them on to our children as we sit at the kitchen table

    laughing

I'll still watch those prickled lined lips. 

We'll talk, walk

We'll run

We'll stand in each other's presence and just stare, completely at peace, completely happy. 

As I sit here tonight peering out the plastic window & only darkness surrounds

I see in the distance a great illumination expressed with the gleam of brown portals

I hear a beautiful melody

and feel the prickled lined lips

I can almost taste him

his strong hands on my back 

his arms embracing me

our soul being nourished

And the orchestra plays on. 

-KJB

The title of this poem from my youth is striking because I've shared the beauty of the orchestra 

with you a few times now. Through all the pain the beauty of the orchestra continues to make such wonderful music,

to evoke a wild array of emotions. Seeing these items of my past bring up memories and some pain, 

however the memories we've made are starting to help the old memories not be so painful; 

if that makes any sense at all.  

take care, 

I shouldn't have

I shouldn't have done it, but I did.  It's like looking at an automobile accident, there is no good to come out of it, in my case it brings me backwards.  Being tired does not help.  I took a shower, didn't do much for me tonight, so much for self care.

I have so much to be happy about, so much to look forward, hell just living in the now is wonderful.  I look forward to texts, to conversations, to touch.  It's more than not being alone, it's being with you.  Why then, why am I in this void, why is the hollow starting to grow and consume me.  I shouldn't have done it.  It's a reminder, how dare I come so far, to find happiness, to find love twice in a lifetime, how can that be even possible, how dare I.  It's really not fair, some people never find love in a single lifetime, what makes me so special.  I truly feel guilty.  I know it sounds silly and dumb, being tired does not help.  I should really go to sleep.  I sit here with new and old pictures mingling, I've even taken some down because I was ready, I sit here as the salted tears roll down my face escaping my eyes, ojos del mar.

I've forgotten how good you were with words, how those words made me feel so good, gave me confidence.  I've forgotten how good it feels to hear those words and actually believe you.  I miss that, if that's vain, then I admit it, I really miss that.

Why did I step into the waves?  You pulled me out and brought me to shore, to safety.  It's one thing when the waves come to you and hit you and drown you, it's completely something else to walk into the waves.  I don't know why I did it.  I'm sorry.  The empty is swallowing me tonight, the void is consuming me, I don't even know why.  I'm tired, I will lay and close my eyes and hope tomorrow will be be better.



take care,

Being with the trees, not observing the forrest.

Went to a place again, last time & first time I was there we were a family of three and we brought along AS.  Our princess was seven, and she does not remember.  She only has three maybe even four years of memories with you in them.  Most of her stories and memories take place a mere year before your diagnosis. Soon the years of memories will be shorter than the years without you. It's not fair, neither is life, as I was told so often growing up, a lesson I was warned about, a lesson I live with each day.

Memories

I can remember things good and bad

Memories I want to relive and others I don't

Memories of thing I once had, but do not have any more

Things I wish I had but I do not have any more

I need the memories, no matter what they make me feel

The pain or the joy but they are mine so I must cherish them. 

Memories 

C.C.S.

Now it feels like four. Words, I'm trying, really I am.  I need to learn a new phrase and find the courage to say another.  Why is late an adjective for dead.  I suppose it's a polite word to make people feel comfortable.  I met a new person, making small talk like I do, where are you from?  A commonality I discovered between you and him.  The phrase should have been, my late husband, not to invite sympathy or create attention, but to provide clarity.  

That word may become part of my vocabulary once again.  To actually think this through, it's a bit scary.  When I'm with you everything just feels natural and right, like of course that's where our path will lead. The scary is becoming smaller and smaller, it's barely visible at all now.   Then I think practically, realistically, and it feels so far away, patience.  

That is something I had with you, it didn't necessarily matter when things happened, especially little things.  When it was family time, there was no time crunch or time line.  I was reminded of that today.  Sometimes I get caught up in all that needs to be completed and I lose the moment.  Yesterday was another example of that as well.  We got there when we got there, the time together, in the moment, creating memories, soon there'll be words that outsiders will need explanations for.  

Words, I don't know what to call you, I know what you are, I understand your significance, just don't know how to verbalize it to others.  I think it's like going in the pool, you ease your way into the cold water, getting use to the temperature, eventually you have to decide you're going in and you just do it.  I was so close with an introduction the other day, then I just couldn't do it.  Part of me feels the title is juvenile, immature, but then I don't have any other ideas.  I don't know how to fix it. It's society, it's labels, but I want to give you that label, that title really.  I'm only up to my knees, getting use to the cold temperature, I will just dive in eventually, just a bit longer is all. 

take care my dear, I love you. 

3rd base

And 12 hours more, I'm tired.  It is done and I wait a bit longer for the all clear.  I'm so glad you were there, holding my hand, your fretting was so cute, you must really like me as the nurse said.  I am so glad I kept the promise and kept it honestly.  I've learned being honest is so much better, I think I'm doing so more than I ever did in the past.  I use to keep quiet about little things, eventually they became big things, I'd blow up and we work it out and move on.  That's how our dynamic worked, eventually I just didn't let little things become big things.  Now I know that little things are important, I remember learning, someone once told me before I ever got married, before I ever dreamt it was even possible, she said, before you get upset with someone you love, ask yourself if this "issue" will be important five years from now, does leaving dirty socks on the floor really going to make a difference five year from now or whatever the issue.  Obviously if they're not picked up for five year, then yeah, I think my humor is being influenced by the drugs in my system from earlier.  It's all about how you handle and how you share what's bothering you.  Being honest, yes is so important, being calm and honest is even more important.  I do love you, I know it's tough to follow to whom I am addressing, I will again blame the drugs and let you figure that out. 

Thank you for making me say it, thank you for being patient, I'm enjoying life again even on third base.


I love you my dear.


take care.

13 hours

I wrote some letters tonight.  Some I hope are not read, well at least for years to come.  I think my experience has changed how I process the future and it's uncertainty.  Tomorrow, well really in about 12 hours I'll be having a procedure, the term I'm using for our little girl to keep the anxiety and fear at bay.  It's nothing major, really shouldn't be concerned, youth is on my side, statistics are on my side.  It's those last two facts that change my out look, you too had youth and statistics and now you don't.  I'm also nervous about what will come in a few weeks, the information, the knowledge.  If something goes wrong, I'm not afraid for me, I ache for our little girl, not so little anymore.  I don't want her to go through it all again, now with more knowledge, more experience.  Why can't life just be the sun coming up and the sun coming down day after day, why can't my life be like that?  Days filled with hearing made up jokes, reading a few more pages just to see what happens, hiking through paths seeing all the little things and imagining what lives in the forrest as we walk through.  Why so much complication, is it too much to ask for mere happiness, love without complications, without the threat of it all coming to an end.  I feel like I've had enough, more than my share.

I've asked her to always look for the good in every person, in every situation, it may not always be easy to find, but it is there.  I must take my own advice and search or simply just let the good reveal itself. 

I am not making much sense, I know.  I am tired.  I should sleep. 

13 hours from now, we shall see.

love you handsome man, though I feel you are farther and farther away, even here there seems to be so much distance.


take care,

Tomorrows and the demon.

I'm here again, tired, exhausted, I don't allow myself to sleep.  I think it's because I don't want tomorrow to come, I don't know how many tomorrows there will be left.  You have no more tomorrows, neither does my Mom, and the uncertainty that lies ahead keeps me from sleep.

The fucking demon is back, the demon that's plagued my life these last 10 years.  I thought it was gone in 2010 when it took my Mom, five years later it took you, and now it's fucking back.  I feel like it knows when happiness is born and that's when it lays it roots to destroy.

Our daughter was just a year old, the demon laid it's claws and latched into my Mom, two years later she was gone.  No one to turn to for "Mom" advice, for home remedies, to share the latest funny story of her grandchild.  A grandchild that has absolutely no memory of her Nona, even though that little three year old danced at her wake.  Our life was just starting here in our new home, no phone calls, no visits, no cards in the mailbox with her distinguished handwriting.

The darkness wasn't as dark as time moved forward and the tomorrows continued to dawn.  Eventually the sun overcame the shadows and happiness was trying to push through, like Spring tries to push through the snow and cold even in April.  I made some changes with my career and tried to make a difference, to see people in their environment, not just a face in front of me, I made an effort to learn their story.  That didn't last long because the demon reared it's ugly head and this time took you away from me, away from our little girl.  The darkness was back and consumed me, took my life, left me with a hollowness and emptiness words can not describe.  There were days I did not want to live another tomorrow I wanted to be consumed by the empty, to just disappear.  I found strength for our daughter, strength to face tomorrow with her always in my mind.  The demon claimed you, then took you 11 months later.

It's been 3 years and two days, (since I don't allow myself to sleep tonight it's technically 3 years and three days).  Guess what, happiness and joy were creeping back into my life, I've kept my promise & didn't give up.  The bastard is back.

I don't want to do this again, haven't I passed the test, proven I'm strong, proven I can handle a great deal of pain, grief, emptiness.  I'm still here, still strong, still keeping it together.  Joy, happiness, excitement, were all pages returning to my story, even my faith was starting to return to my life.  Right on cue the fucking demon is back.

I am so tired. My head aches. Tomorrow is on the way.


I love you handsome man.

take care

It's coming

I'm tired my love.  I don't feel any better even after a shower.  It's coming, I can feel it.  Spring.  A time when the snow melts, new life begins, flowers bloom.  It's not here now, it's cold and dry out, harsh, but it's coming.  I can remember you enjoying being outside, letting the sun hit your face that day in March.  You were coming back from your radiation treatment, before I did what I had to do.  The sun hit your face and it was a glorious moment for you.  Spring is coming, the season of life, just not for me and our daughter.  Spring reminds me of your death, the end of your life.  We had one last week together at home, Spring Break 2015.  We had our trip to Paris that week, passports and all.  We even had airplane snacks, an inflight movie, and upon arrival we visited the louvre.  All things you'll never do, never a stamp in your now expired passport, your eyes will never see the Mona Lisa in person, not even a plane ride across the ocean.  Those somedays never came for you, when they arrive for your princess & me it will be amazing and painful all at the same time. 

Your princess has grown up so much since last you and she spoke.  She's not a princess anymore, parish the thought really.  She is quick witted like you, enjoys browsing the bookstores, she's excellent with direction, and she is quite a young lady now. 

The hole is back, I feel like it's swallowing me whole.  I'm drowning, I'm overwhelmed, it hurts all over again, I don't know why.  There is no why, there is no timeline, there is no reason. I am hollow once again. 

I love you handsome man.

take care.