the switch

I sit here listening through the walls, her little ears not knowing I can hear her so clearly.  I hear her rage, her sobs, her absolute anger.  I keep telling me self she is in pain, she doesn't mean a word of it.  It still hurts to hear.

"Life would be better if she died instead of him.  She is so mean, I wish she would suffer and die.  Life would be so much better if she died and not Daddy" 

What do I do?  Do I sit and let her go, do I reach into my bag of tricks and put on the goofy hat be her friend and not her mom.  Is there truly a part of her that wishes he was the only parent now.  I was the stricter of our team, or at least that is what it felt like to me.  I think when we were together I was the strict one, but at times when it was just you and her you laid down the law, or at least that what I was told by Rich.  He comments on that look you could give her and she would straighten right up. 

I decide to let her go and get everything out of her system, pretend the walls are so thick I can't hear every painful word that bellows from her mouth between sobs and tears.  She comes out to check I'm still here, I'm not going any where.  As she closes her door assured I'm still here, I gently rap on her door and she opens and just puts her arms around me.  She cries and cries and screams and I hold her as tight as I can, to fill the empty space.  She tells me she wants to see Daddy again, she wants it to be the three of us again.  She just sobs, tears, and shallow breaths come from her.  I just hold her and silently let her get everything out of her system.  The tears come to my eyes as I see her pain unfold in front of me.  She stops and looks at me and confesses.

"I had some bad thoughts in here, I even said them out loud.  I wanted you to die and suffer.  I'm sorry I had those thoughts and said those things."

It's ok, I just hugged and told her, "I still love you, no matter what you say, what you do, or what you think I will always love you."  I could feel the tension, the sadness, the anger just melt away.  She unloaded all her pain and I gladly took it from her.  Now I sit and try to figure where to put it.  It's ok, I'm the adult I can take it.  It's amazing, it's like a light switch.  She's absolutely fine right now.  She's writing and escaping into her world.  It's ok, I can take it, I'm the adult. 

I am by no means angry with her, I'm just so glad she can get the emotions out of her system, the emotions that hold her back.  I've taken today's pain from her and hope tomorrow will be better.  In my mind I know she did not mean those words, but in my heart I wonder sometimes. 

I do my best to balance the fun and the strict.  To teach the importance of work and play.  I sit here and see the pictures on the wall, a few I've added since you left this world.  She is so much older now, her own little person with her own sense of humor.  You'll never laugh at the funny things she says, that booming laugh when something was particularly funny and caught you off guard because it was so unexpected.  You'll never see her smile so full of pride as she crosses the finish line. We'll never have moments where there is a joke only we understand, the jokes are gone.  No more raccoons in the kitchen, what sad is that I'm starting to forget some of those stories.  The little things we would say, I remember we had all kinds of little things like that.  I'm forgetting the details, I'm so sorry.  I don't want to forget I really don't, I don't know where those memories are, maybe that's where I'm storing her pain.  Underneath all of  her pain she's released and all of my pain are the little stories and phrases we shared. 

I wish there was a switch for me like there is for your princess.


take care

Review.

I've been reviewing and thinking back a bit tonight.  I've skimmed these passages for the last hour or so, time seems to escape me right now, though I've got my best girl to think about.  I just reviewed "hospice time of year" and don't feel that way this year.  I'm not sure what the holidays will bring, but I'm looking forward to fall and maybe even my birthday.  It's not the beginning of the end, or the beginning of unbearable memories, it's the beginning of a promise.  I've come quite a long way in nearly two and a half years.  I want to keep going, want to explore, want to live in love & laughter again. 

take care

don't give up on love

DON'T GIVE UP ON LOVE

 You made me promise, you made me say it.  You were laying in that hospital bed and you made me promise.  You loved me so much, so selflessly, so completely.  I'm keeping my promise, I think I might be ready.  Now to only feel comfortable enough to share this with our closest friends and family.  Will they hate me, will they disrespect me, will they think I'm dishonoring you.  As for our little girl I must proceed with caution, this is one thing I do not want to get wrong. 

I still love you handsome man, I'm just not giving up.


take care

trying

It's been quite a busy summer my love.  I've noticed that I'm either super confident and I can conquer the world or I'm lost and not sure.  I where my heart on my sleeve yet I'm not trusting of everyone.  I'm living cautiously, just with a little more fervor these days.

Our daughter is growing up, she reminds me so much of you.  Quick witted, a great sense of direction, kind hearted, and enjoys and really needs time to herself, downtime.  I'm doing my best to do right by her and instill the values we would have done together as a team.

I miss you something fierce.  I also miss having conversations.  I miss talking about my day and hearing how the day went for you.  I'm trying to meet new people, to make friends, to make connections.  I'm not the social butterfly.  I'm trying.  I love you handsome man.

take care.

"Damn it feels good to be a gangsta"

Wanna hear something funny?  I've started to run again.  Starting over from scratch. That wasn't the funny part.  I listen to my running app as she coaches me when to run and when to "slow down and walk" I survived the first two sessions.  I still have my running play list of music that plays in my ears as I desperately wait for the "slow down and walk" command.  Here comes the funny part... Friday it's just a gorgeous day outside.  I'm out for a run and my music is playing.  My running music has some songs that you won't hear on the radio because they can't play the lyrics on the radio, I know super unexpected coming from little old me.  Any who, I've finished the run and I'm completing the "5 min cool down walk" to get back home.  There are tons of people outside, neighbors visiting with each other, the doors of winter have been unlocked the spring has beckoned us to come outside and greet each other again.  There are families outside playing, a couple sits on the front step of their house and watch as their toddler child plays in the yard.  I'm watching all this new life and reintroduction to the outdoors after our long cold winter and in my ears the next song plays.  "Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta" bass thumping and all.  I can't help but laugh as I watch my surroundings in my suburb neighborhood with families playing outside, a senior citizen couple riding bikes,  And everything's cool in the mind of a gangsta.

I had to share with someone, didn't know who.  I miss sharing my stories with you.  I thought of three different people I could relate that story to, but then I thought better of it, might be awkward.  Sometimes I think I need to take more risks and let down my wall, but with that comes fear and anxiety.

love you handsome man.

take care

slipping away

I guess I'm back already.  I don't know why I'm sinking deeper and deeper tonight.  It's been one of those grieve in the shower nights.  You know, when you're in the shower alone and you just silently let the tears come, you want to sob and just let everything out, but can't because those not so little ears will hear you.  She'll be very concerned and anxious that you are falling apart.  Yup, one of those nights.  I don't even know why.  I'm exhausted, but at least I can still fake it in front of her.

I'm forgetting you.  Things you would say are no longer flooding my memory.  I'm forgetting what you smelled like, I know if I open that bottle of your cologne I wouldn't be able to hold it together.  I'm barely making it right now.  I can still imagine how the softness of your cheek met the stubble of your beard.  You are slipping away from me, I'm grasping but there is nothing there.

I've had these moments of "this is my life and it's OK" now I feel I'm back to day one, consumed by the hollow.  It hurts to smile.

Good night,

take care,

I love you handsome man.

It will come

A remarkable speech.  I'm still waiting, but it will come.

So many points he makes that hit home and just absolutely right on.

Today was mostly in the good category, don't know why but changed so quickly.

That is all for tonight.

take care,